Chapter 48: The Burden

Thomas sat in one of the high-backed chairs next to the fireplace, feeling a little like he had been called to the principal’s office. Or, considering the circumstances, Dumbledore’s office.

Nah. He was no Harry Potter. He was a Neville Longbottom at best.

Akilah fussed around at his apothecary table for a moment, then came over with a simple ceramic cup with no handle. Steam rose from the top, and it smelled like coffee but looked like hot chocolate.

“Drink this,” he advised. “We call it chouk. From what I understand, it is similar to your coffee.”

Your coffee? Thomas thought. He considered politely declining, especially as he was almost certain there was still mental manipulation in the air.

But was he a healer or wasn’t he?

Thomas took a small sip, waiting to see if his tongue tingled with oncoming allergic reaction or he clutched his throat, fell over, and died. The chouk tasted exactly as it looked, like extremely sweet hot chocolate.

The first swallow slipped down his throat and…

He suddenly felt alert, though not with coffee-high jitters. This was like waking up after a refreshing, solid eight hours in bed with his favorite blankets and the pillow just right.

Thomas took a larger sip. More chouk didn’t increase his alertness, but he found he didn’t mind the sweetness as much.

“Try not to have more than a cup every 48 hours,” Akilah advised gravely, though there was a smile in his eyes: one coffee/chouk addict recognizing another. “This simulates rest well enough, but the body still needs the real thing. Now,” he said, changing the subject, “since you are new to the System, I imagine that you have questions.”

With reluctance, Thomas set the chouk down on the side table.

“I do, yeah, but before we go into that, I am going to need you to drop whatever mental magic bullshit you still have running.”

Akilah blinked, and that looked completely normal, which confirmed that something was definitely off.

To Thomas’s surprise, he didn’t deny it. He simply inclined his head. “I assure you,” he said, “the calming aura is for your comfort, not as an attempt to manipulate. Your people tend to become agitated around us. My aura is used as a courtesy only.”

“When you say ‘your people,'” Thomas said carefully, “you mean humans.”

Again Akilah inclined his head.

Oh my god, I’m really sitting in front of a lizard or something wearing a human mask.

“We have been studying your cultures, of course,” Akilah continued, as Thomas manfully tried not to freak out, calming aura or no calming aura. “There has been notable friction between separate human races. It was thought that the holographic disguises would ease the way.”

“I understand racism is a real problem in the world,” Thomas said, “but I’ve seen some real weird stuff in the last few weeks. I can handle what you have to show me.”

Besides, he didn’t have a problem being around lizards or snakes in the past. Sharing a cup of alien coffee with a human-sized lizard shouldn’t be too weird. Right? Right.

So, did he smile like a crocodile, or…?

Akilah nodded once, and he must have dropped the calming aura, because suddenly all the hairs on the back of Thomas’s neck were standing on end. There was something about the man’s face that was profoundly off. Every blink was wrong, and his attempt at a polite, professional smile made Thomas’s skin crawl.

Then the healer dropped his disguise entirely.

Thomas stared for a long moment. Akilah was not a lizard.

“Are you… Na’vi?”

There was a strong resemblance, and yet not enough to get these people sued by the House of the Mouse. For one thing, Akilah was not ten feet tall, just the same size as his disguise earlier. His skin was bluish-gray, with the same neatly trimmed white beard and steel-gray hair. His eyes were larger than a human’s, with piercing yellow sclera and dark irises. He didn’t have the tiger stripes, though his nose was wide and flat.

Also, he had long ears that tapered off into a point.

“No,” Akilah said, with forced patience, as if this was not the first time he’d heard that comparison. “I am a dark elf.” He didn’t say obviously, but it was heavily implied in his tone.

Then he blinked. His eyelids moved sideways across his eyes like a lizard.

Thomas snorted a laugh and quickly covered his mouth. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just that this has been such a weird night.” He took another look at Akilah, checked his own reactions, and nodded. “Okay, the creepiness factor is gone. I think those disguises fall right into the uncanny valley for most people.”

“I beg your pardon?” Akilah asked, sounding as if he wasn’t sure whether to be affronted by creepiness factor or intrigued by uncanny valley.

“I don’t know the science behind it,” Thomas said, “but for human beings, when something approaches visually human-like but is still slightly off, it creates instinctual feelings of distrust and revulsion. Also, the cardigans all the other guys were wearing are weird for the area. So, why are dark elves on Earth?”

Akilah blinked again, thrown off by the change in subject. “That is a conversation best had with the elders. In the meantime, this is valuable information. I will research this… uncanny valley further.” He folded his fingers in his lap. Thomas noted he had five on each hand, though the thumb was on the outside where the pinky finger should be, not the inside. “Now, let us talk, healer to healer.”

Thomas sat up. “Okay?”

“Specifically, I wish to speak to you about the Burden.” The way he said it put capital letters around the word. “If you have successfully absorbed Healing mana, you have certainly felt it. The first thing you should know is that it is different for every single person. Some find it much heavier to bear than others, though all healers have one thing in common: the act of killing a sapient creature creates a soul-damaging backlash.”

“Oh.” Thomas found he couldn’t quite meet Akilah’s intense yellow eyes anymore. He looked off to the side. Yeah, he knew what he meant. “The Burden, huh? Catchy name.”

Akilah continued, “For most, it goes further than that: It’s not uncommon to experience crippling empathy to the point that when a Burdened healer sees suffering, it is as if they are experiencing it themselves. Others find they can no longer stand to eat the flesh of animals, or can only eat the fruit of plants because it presents the least amount of killing. Most healers are dedicated pacifists and cannot defend themselves against attack, not even of a dungeon monster.” He sighed. “Then there are the reactions of people towards you.”

“What do you mean?” Thomas asked, though he had a funny inkling where this was already going.

“There is a general antipathy to hurt a healer. I suspect you’ve already encountered a dark class who feels very much the opposite. Those are thankfully rare. This, too, grows with your level. However, consider a situation where somebody means to attack you but instead redirects it at a teammate, or simply an innocent bystander. You will see that and know that you were responsible in some small way for their injury. That has been enough to break the will of heavily Burdoned healers in the past.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

With a sigh, Akilah fell into full lecture mode. It seemed he had said this part many times. “People have tried for centuries to find workarounds to the Burden or compromises. The modern theories point to healing mana acting like an amplifier of a person’s inner spirit, which is the purest part of themselves. You can meditate on ethics, come to different moral conclusions as you grow and mature and strive to become a whole new person who makes different choices. None of that will change your inner spirit. The theories are it is long fixed by your ancestors, your earliest childhood experiences, and some aspect of your core, itself. There are some instances of healers losing their entire memories and personalities thanks to curses, and yet their Burdens have remained the same.”

“Naturally this means,” Akilah continued, “that it can be difficult, if not impossible, for most healers to become successful dungeon divers. Even if their personal Burdens allow the killing of monsters, it is a career steeped in violence. To grow stronger and keep themselves safe, divers must choose skills which help them to keep a fighting edge. However, this builds up unused healing mana—”

“Which builds up empathy,” Thomas said heavily. “I’ve felt that.”

Akilah was quiet for a moment, letting him think, before he said, “This is why I wished to speak. You should know that there is a path you can take—that most take,” he corrected, “before you go any further.”

Thomas looked up at him.

“It is called rescission of the core,” Akilah said, and smiled slightly. “It is why I believe the System is ultimately a good force. It has shown us mercy. As healers, we are the only ones who have the option to burn our cores past the layers we have built, back down to a base mortal state. From there you have the option to… start anew.” He flicked his fingers. “The amplified empathy is gone, as are any classes or natural treasures you’ve absorbed. Most former healers start again with a water or earth-based core, but there are the occasional outliers.”

“My Gift?” Thomas asked.

“That remains the same, as it is a magical manifestation of your inner spirit. However, if you do happen to have a healing Gift, you do not need to use it.”