Chapter 19 – The Weight of Indecision

Torn by indecision, Yun Jingfei lingered for more than half an hour, rooted in place. She lifted her gaze to the moons, their silver glow painting her face with uncertainty.

 

She glanced back at the building where Qin Yun was sleeping. With a heavy heart and an even heavier mind, she headed toward it.

 

The door slid along soundlessly. She entered, but then stopped.

 

Nothing was out of place. Qin Yun had shifted slightly, now lying on his side with his back to the door. But other than that, everything was the same as it had been at the moment she had left.

 

And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to get back into bed.

 

“You can stop pretending,” she said.

 

She made no effort to whisper. Her words came out in a plain voice, yet every syllable was heavy with exhaustion. It was not just tiredness, but a suffocating weight pressing down on her.

 

“Enough,” she added. “I know you’re awake. You must be. You saw everything from the start, didn’t you?”

 

Still, Qin Yun gave no sign of hearing her. Only the gentle rise and fall of his chest proved he was alive; without it, she might have thought him a corpse.

 

“Answer me!” she ordered, her tone growing desperate. “Why? Why would you go so far? For someone like me?”

 

Tears threatened to fall from her eyes once more, but Qin Yun stayed silent. Had she been able to see him from the other side, she would have known that his eyes were closed. He was fully relaxed, as if deeply asleep.

 

Frustration blazing, Yun Jingfei stomped forward, but halted when she caught sight of her mud-caked boots. With a careless flick, she kicked them off and sent them skidding into a corner.

 

She would deal with them once the sun rose.

 

Yet that brief flash of clarity scattered her anger. From afar, her fury seemed almost laughable. This man had never wronged her; he was undeserving of her wrath.

 

If anything, she was the poison in his life. Had fate not intervened, their paths would never have crossed, and he would not be saddled with a broken woman as his wife.

 

Moving in silence, Yun Jingfei shed her outer garments, the ones meant for the world beyond, and slipped quietly back into bed.

 

With her face turned to Qin Yun’s broad back, she wept herself to sleep. Only a whispered ‘Thank you’ escaped her lips as she clung tightly to the pendant he had given her.

---

When Yun Jingfei woke up next, it was already midday, yet she didn’t feel like getting out of bed. There was no one to greet her. Qin Yun was already hard at work.

 

She was once like him, waking up at the crack of dawn only to go to bed when the sun had already set. She had found purpose in bettering herself, but ever since her mistake, what would be the point? Her future was limited, the doors all closed, her efforts meaningless.

 

She sometimes wondered what reasons she yet had to live, only her pride stopping her.

 

She banished those thoughts and got up regardless. Staying in bed only made her more depressed.

 

While slipping into her blue dress, an unfamiliar voice drifted in from outside. Odd—no one should have been able to breach the ever-present barrier.

 

Her senses sharpened as she listened in silence.

 

“How’s married life treating you?”

 

The voice was female, young, and, judging by her choice of words, they seemed rather close.

 

“Surely, they didn’t let you bypass the formation ahead of time to ask me that?”

 

She recognized Qin Yun’s voice. Though it was muffled by the walls separating them, she had grown quite familiar with the tone of his voice, being together nonstop for over four days now.

 

“Why? Can’t your little cousin choose to pay you a visit?”

 

Were they family? Yun Jingfei remembered Qin Yun mentioning her in passing. Qin Meihui, was it? She was considered in line to inherit leadership of the clan, so it made sense that she held special privileges that allowed her to sidestep tradition.

 

“The elders aren’t so happy-go-lucky,” Qin Yun sighed. “They wouldn’t give you permission for something so insignificant. Something happened in the clan?”

 

“Oh, no. Nothing much. Same, same.”

 

Yun Jingfei rolled her eyes. Her tone was nothing if not frivolous. From her attitude alone, she couldn’t fathom how they could even consider her for leadership.

 

She could picture Qin Yun’s expression perfectly—the gentle, patient look he reserved for fools, as if indulging the ramblings of a child.

 

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

It made her snicker.

 

She promptly covered her own mouth, hoping they hadn’t heard.

 

“If not, then why are you here?” Qin Yun asked.

 

“What? Aren’t you happy to see me?”

 

“Do I have any reason to be? Are you bringing good news?”

 

“Good or bad, does it matter? I have news regardless.”

 

“Then, spit it out.”

 

“What? In a hurry? In this place? I hope you’re making the most of it!”

 

“I am. Jealous?”

 

“Shoo, shoo. Away with all you couples. I hope you die in a fire.”

 

“Still can’t find a decent man? How sad.”

 

“Don’t you dare pity me. I’ll find one, trust me. He’s going to blow you out of the water.”

 

“I hope so; otherwise, your father is never going to approve of him.”

 

“Hmm. You make a good point… Am I doomed to be forever alone?”

 

“With a father like yours, chances are high.”

 

“Maybe I’ll elope. Like in the stories you used to tell.”

 

“If you don’t mind living on the run, sure. Go for it.”

 

“On second thought, maybe not.”

 

“That’s what I thought.”

 

“Who needs men, anyway?”

 

“You do. Someone needs to keep you in check.”

 

“You speak as if I’m a loose cannon.”

 

“Aren’t you?”

 

“Only when others aren’t looking. I know the bounds of proprieties.”