Chapter 27 – Regression and Lessons

Lily glared at Mirian as she entered the room.

“Sorry,” Mirian said.

“I haven’t even told you why I’m mad yet,” Lily said.

“Yeah, but sorry anyways. Hug?”

Lily sighed. “Yeah, that would be nice.” After they embraced, Lily said, “You’re four for six, by the way. Emanuel only interrupted the professor four times, and you said it’d be five, and I didn’t meet Selesia. But the other stuff was uncanny. Nicola really did knock over an entire stack of metal plates in the middle of the exam, and it took like a full minute for them to stop clanging around. How did you do it?”

“Luck, I guess,” Mirian said. “Want to come watch duels?”

“You’re trying to dodge the question,” Lily said. “Besides, I have to study.”

“On a Fifthday?” She frowned at the stack of books on Lily’s desk. “Really?”

Her roommate sighed. “Okay, no, I would rather jump off the top of the Torrian Tower. Yeah, I’ll come. Apparently you’re pretty good. Or something. But you are totally dodging the question.”

“That’s true,” Mirian admitted. “There’s not an answer I can give you that’s satisfying. Humor me until dinner, okay?”

Lily looked at her then rubbed her forehead. “I… alright. But only because you’re my friend.”

Mirian was paired with Valen again on the first bout. Go figure, she thought. This time they were three and six, so it wasn’t even a repeat of the first month. This time, though, Mirian was ready for the fast counter-attack, and when Valen tried to press her, she dashed to the side and got a point on her back before she could turn. She smiled at Valen. Take that, she thought. The next point, Valen tried another lightning offensive when she thought Mirian was off-balance, but Mirian had feigned the overextension because she knew that’s what the other girl was looking for. A quick parry-riposte sent Valen back to the starting line scowling. After that, she was more hesitant to go on the attack, and Mirian got two more points by abusing her reach.

Mirian was pressing Valen hard, looking for the last point, but her footwork kept her away. Then, she came in with a lunge and a disengage. It was, Mirian had to admit in retrospect, a perfect attack. Perfect form, perfect distance—rapid backpedaling didn’t save her—and seriously impressive speed. Anyone blinking would have missed it.

It was also a lethal point, right over her heart, with the blade glowing fully red.

Damnit! was all she could think. If anyone else had done it, Mirian would have had to congratulate them. But since when had Valen of all people gotten this good? And of course, the other girl couldn’t stop from smirking when they bowed.
“Better luck next time,” Valen whispered under her breath, and even though Mirian was used to this kind of trash-talk from her, it still infuriated her.

“Ouch,” said Lily. “Bad luck I guess.”

“That’s the worst part, it wasn’t even luck. I’m never going to tell her that, though.”

“So what’s with you two anyways?”

Mirian found herself slipping back into the same conversation they’d already had. But then she interjected, “You’re taking Alchemistry and Spell Empowerment next quarter. And you have to do a demonstration in front of a panel of professors.”

Lily got silent.

“I’m going to keep doing this crap until you believe me,” she said.

“It’s… really unnerving,” Lily said. “I was just thinking about it, but then… Mirian, I don’t like this.”

“Neither do I,” Mirian said sadly.

During her next bout she heard a brief yelp from Lily’s direction and knew that Selesia had just introduced herself. She hoped that wouldn’t screw things up. She beat her opponent in an easy 5-1 bout. Really, she shouldn’t have lost a single point, but she’d kept glancing over at her roommate.

“Well,” said Lily, her tone sour. “This is Selesia. But you already knew that.”

Selesia was looking nervous. “I’m… look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know she was your roommate. I really have never met her before. I just transferred to Torrviol and… I’ll just go,” she said.

“Please stay,” Mirian said. “Lily’s upset because of something I did, not you.”

“It’s… it’s okay. Have fun!” And Selesia left.

Mirian watched her go, feeling sad. All she could think was, you really fucked that up, didn’t you?, and about all the things that wouldn’t happen now. They wouldn’t laugh and talk at dinner. Mirian wouldn’t show her the basics of form and bladework. They wouldn’t hold hands. But wasn’t that how it always went? Most of the time, you never got a second chance, you never got to experience those moments again.

Mirian said, “I should go too.”

“Wait… Mirian?” she heard Lily calling, but she was already out the door. The dark shadows beneath the columns of the Stygalta Arena matched her mood as she left the building, and outside, she tried to let the cool night air clear her mind. She just felt bitter, though. She was trying to be kind to Lily and save her life. But she had no idea. She had no fucking idea what it had been like to watch her die. Then to die herself, utterly helpless. And to know it was coming again. No matter what she did, it would be painful. No matter who she saved, she would regret the ones she hadn’t.

“Mirian!” she heard Lily calling. She walked faster, but the other girl ran to catch up and grabbed her arm.

She spun, suddenly furious. “I’m trying to save your life,” she said. “You think I’m just pulling a stupid prank on you, but do you have any idea what it was like to watch you die? I watched Akanan soldiers rip apart your body with force blades, and you died in my arms. I wish it was some hallucination, or bad dream. I wish I could forget watching that airship raining fire down on us the second time, or forget Selesia bleeding out in the snow—Gods, if only it were just a nightmare. When I say Akana Praediar attacks the Academy, I mean they bring the five hells to Torrviol.” Mirian knelt on the ground then, suddenly weeping. “I wanted to see her again. Selesia. I wanted to see her smile, so I didn’t have to keep thinking about her corpse. Three days ago, Lily. It was three days ago that she died. I… I don’t know how I can even….” She couldn’t talk anymore, she was too choked up.

Lily didn’t say anything, she just gave Mirian a hug. A few students walking by gave them funny looks, but Mirian ignored them. After a while, her body stopped shaking, and her breathing had calmed. She was a mess, but she wasn’t inconsolable.