v4c3: The Home, and The Great House

There were quite a few times where I really wished I was better at this whole “uplift” thing. Man, in the stories I read it all seemed so simple, churning out guns and modern conveniences within months as the main character explained how exactly everything worked.

That… Well, that wasn’t me. I’d like to think I wasn’t dumb, but I honestly had no idea how a lot of crap from the Before actually worked. It’s one thing to have the bare bones base explanation. It’s quite another to explain it to somebody, in detail, and have them actually make the damn thing.

But luckily for me, I had the wonderful power of having smart, helpful friends who could actually parse my shitty drawings.

That, and toilets were the one thing that I actually did know, in detail, how they worked. That wastewater engineering certificate was coming in more useful than I thought it was. First was teaching Washy about fluid dynamics, and now this.

“We have the prototype done, we think,” the boy who had created a steam engine at sixteen told me as we walked into his workshop. Bowu, Xianghua’s little brother, definitely smiled a lot more now. The Young Master of the Misty Lake Sect had his face covered in grease, and the scarred snake coiled around his arm had his scales dull with clay.

‘Indeed. It is a mosssst engaging project.’ The Noodle agreed, the snake’s eyes intense. ‘One I am quite excited to see the end point of.’

I looked down at the pure white, porcelain bowl. Something I had done without for years. Just seeing it made me nostalgic—which was a bit weird, but you have no idea how nice it is to have a modern crapper until you don’t have a modern crapper.

At first I thought Noodle would have been offended that we were going to use this to… well, relive ourselves in, but instead he had just found the entire thing fascinating and a new test of his abilities. Bowu had just been happy to help, using his skills to make the pipes… pipes that we would need a hell of a lot of.

My contribution was making the place where everything would drain to and the crap water could be treated without polluting anything. A primitive digester pond was my solution. It would work out pretty well, at least for the amount of waste we produced. But I had also made it a bit bigger than it needed to be, because I apparently had a lot more people coming to visit than I thought.

In essence, a toilet was just a simple siphon. An S-bend pipe normally prevented water from constantly draining, but when you added water, the equilibrium within the pipes broke, draining the toilet. Then a tank on the top would fill the bog back up.

We were cheating a little. A water crystal solved the tank problem; and the lever attached to it would “activate” it to start creating water. It was good to be friends with Crystal Carvers, and Biyu especially.

“Alright. Test one!” Bowu declared and pulled down the lever on the side.

Water erupted into the bowl, as it was supposed to, and it soon began to drain out the back pipes and into the river.

I smiled, pleased at everything working right… when all of a sudden the toilet coughed and spluttered, ceasing to function.

“Did the pipe get clogged somehow?” Bowu asked, looking confused. He glared it, tapping at the pipe, but nothing happened.

‘I’ll go see if I can find whatsss wrong.” Noodle said as Bowu brought him over to the loo. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing as the snake descended into the toilet.

A literal snake was going to go to snake a toilet.

I shook my head, hoping whatever problem was easily solved, when I saw a draconic snout grinning wickedly from where it was poking through the door.

The toilet rumbled.

And then Bowu, looking directly into the bowl and waiting for Noodle to return, got a face full of water as the toilet backed up into his face, a long green snake coming with it.

Washy burst out laughing as both boy and snake spluttered, and I laughed with him.

At least until I got into range.

Then I kept laughing and Washy stopped. Because while this was frickken hilarious… Some actions have consequences.

And Washy liked playing with fire a little too much.

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The next test went perfectly. A fat brown carp plopped into the river, ejected the right way from the pipe. He glared and pouted, sulking.

Hey, if he wanted to be a little shit, he could be a little shit. Or our test shit, in this case, to make sure everything went down properly. Peppa had her face buried in Chunky’s side as she chuckled.

“It’s a little weird to go inside the house.” Meimei said after a moment. “But I guess it’s fine. These ‘sinks’ though? Oh yes.”

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“We’ll hook one up in the medicine hut as well. And a hose on the side of the house.” I said.

Gou Ren was already scratching his chin, the implications of indoor plumbing clearly resonating.

I patted the toilet. It wasn’t much, but it was honest work.

With one goal scratched off my list, I looked back at my house. It honestly didn’t look too different. It would still be made out of the same wood and stone.

Not opulent, not too grand. I didn’t care about things like that.

I just wanted a home worth coming back to.

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Shou Zihui of the Shrouded Mountain Sect stared down from where he stood at the top of the grand gate that led into the Shrouded Mountain Sect proper. Before him the Pavilion of Thunderous Awakening was filled with hundreds of people. Today was Initiation Day; when the mighty Shrouded Mountain Sect would open its doors to those chosen few who could complete its trials. Hidden as he was in the mist surrounding the mountain, his lessers below could not see him.

His eyes searched the teeming crowd below him, sharp for any troubling signs. There were none for now, though he could already see rivalries and friendships forming. All below were awed and their passions suppressed by the might and majesty of even this lesser pavilion. The red columns were inlaid with gold; towering taller than the tallest buildings these people had likely ever seen. Weak herbs, unsuitable for the Disciples of the Shrouded Mountain Sect, yet still containing Qi, grew in tasteful displays… but not a single mortal plant was permitted. Even the grass was spirit grass, imported and kept alive at great expense.

And this was a more important Initiation Day than normal. They had to show the might of the Shrouded Mountain Sect to all. There were… rumours going around about their glorious Sect, rumors that they had been humiliated somehow. Whispers that something terrible had happened.

Unacceptable! It was utterly unacceptable! They were the mighty Shrouded Mountain Sect! They did not get humiliated!

But something had happened, that much was undeniable. Zihui himself had heard that some manner of demon influence had been found attempting to worm its way into the sect. It made sense enough to Zihui. The demons and demonic cultivators would surely seek to infiltrate and destroy their mighty sect from within; for there was no other way they could be defeated. The presence of the Inquisitors, once so light, was now heavy, and Zihui was grateful for it. They would root out any demons, and then the true Shrouded Mountain Sect would obliterate their armies in a tide of searing light as they had banished the demon foxes centuries ago.

Zihui was confident it would be so.

He checked the position of the sun; it was nearly time. Already his helpers were making moves to close the entryway; the trickle of people having tapered off some ten minutes ago.

The Great Formation the Inquisitors had erected around the pavilion was silent. No demonic taint had been detected.