Chapter: 491 – Departing and Sorrow

Tala felt as if the afternoon and evening after the revelation passed in a blur, and before she knew it, she was curled up beside Rane, unable to sleep.

The stars shining down from the top of their sanctum seemed too bright to her eyes, even when they were closed. The wind moving over the surroundings seemed too loud, despite none of the sound reaching her ears.

She even knew that Alat was isolating her from her threefold sight, yet still she felt like she could hear it, and it was horrible.

She almost woke Rane to try to talk through what she was thinking, but something about the steady rise and fall of his chest was soothing in its own way, and she didn’t want to disrupt or lose that.

She kept playing the earlier conversation over and over in her head, but the results were the same every time.

She would never have children of her own.

Oh, sure, there had been some hemming and hawing, claims that advances in Magic—or her own magical advancement—might correct the issue, but the underlying message was clear: Don’t expect to ever have children.

-I’m here, Tala.-

I know, Alat. I just… She couldn’t say it, but they both knew. This had been Alat’s lot in life the whole time. She’d never expected to have children of her own—even with the understanding that she and Tala were the same person, it wasn’t quite the same—and so the alternate interface hadn’t received the same blow that Tala had with the news.

More than that, they both knew that Tala had been aware of Alat’s effective infertility, and while she’d been somewhat sympathetic, she hadn’t ever really talked through it with her.

Tala felt like it would be rather hypocritical to bemoan her current state, when her other self had been in the exact same situation for literal years without it ever coming up.

–I don’t mind, you know. We touched on the topic occasionally—on all topics surrounding my lack of ‘my own’ body, really—and you were always incredibly supportive. Moreover, I knew that I could have children through you. They would have been as much mine in spirit as yours.-

I did try to be understanding, and I am glad you saw it that way. As to your body, you don’t really manifest that often. I know you can, but you don’t.

Alat sent the feeling of a shrug. -I don’t really feel the need. To be fair, there are a few things that Enar and I want to run by you and Rane, but that’s for another time.-

Tala arched an eyebrow but didn’t press her alternate interface on the topic.

-I do think Rane would want you to wake him up. He wants to be there for you when you need him.-

I know. I really do, and you should know that I know that, but he spent the entire afternoon running around making sure that we are all set for our trip—our honeymoon. She grimaced. And I’ve gone and made the trip about me escaping this news.

-That may have been what triggered it, but I think how you act going forward is what will set the tone for the trip.- After a moment’s pause, Alat added, -But why don’t you express your actual fear?-

She swallowed, then chastised herself. Alat was her. If she couldn’t express her fear to herself then she had no hope at all of doing anything about it. I… What if he doesn’t want me?

-I’m listening.-

What if he doesn’t want to be married to someone who’s broken. Expressing the thought—even internally—seemed to wrench something open inside her, and she began to weep, shaking silently.

She both blessed and cursed the fact that Rane was such a heavy sleeper. She didn’t want to wake him with this, but she also desperately wanted him to hold her.

She cried silently for a long moment before Alat said anything else.

-Firstly, you aren’t broken. You could honestly argue that you are too awesome, and that’s what is creating the issue.-

Spoken like a closet narcissist.

-Hey now, this isn’t the time for personal attacks, especially not on yourself.-

Tala huffed a laugh.

-But even if you were unable to have children due to something actually being wrong, that doesn’t make you unlovable, Tala. Love is often mistaken as a feeling, but it isn’t. Love is a choice. If people treated love as a feeling that came and went, never to return—even in a safer, less insane world—how would any relationship last? Rane has chosen to love you, and you him. This fear is understandable, but don’t you think you owe it to Rane—and yourself—to talk to him about it? Ask him how he feels?-

Tala hesitated, then nodded, willing away her tears and the mucus from her face. Yeah, I think you’re right.

-…but you’re going to wait until tomorrow.- Alat sighed.

I don’t want to wake him. He’s exhausted.

-Not so tired that he wouldn’t want to be there for you.-

And I want to support him, too. We’ll both be happier if he sleeps tonight. It’s been almost a week since either of us slept.

-Ahh, the newly married life of an immortal couple.-

Tala felt herself blush, even though the thought had come from her own mind. Yes, well… Can you just help me sleep?

-Of course, but do you really want me to?-

Yes, please. I think it will help, even if it does feel like cheating.

-Alright. Sleep well, Tala.-

Goodnight, Alat.

* * *

The next morning, even as the sun was rising within their sanctum, Tala and Rane sat on their surprisingly comfortable thrones, looking out over the lush landscape.

They both had special drinks with a concentrated coffee base, exactly as they’d planned as a kickoff to their honeymoon.

Hers was vanilla at the core of the flavoring, and his was mint through and through.

Despite the stunning views, delicious drinks, and impeccable company, the shadow of the previous day’s news still hung over them.

Rane held out his large mug for Tala to clink, and she did so, an unbidden smile tugging at her lips at the action.

“To us.” His voice was soft, the tone kind, and his look meaningful. “Married at last, together for as long as we live.”

She could sense his love radiating through their soulbond, further cementing that it was a state that he was willfully in, rather than an emotion he was experiencing.

He loved her.

Even as she lowered the mug, her eyes welled with tears.

Rane moved quickly, setting his drink aside and snatching her up in an embrace. “Hey, hey, now. What’s all this?”

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“I’m broken,” she heard herself speaking before she could think to stop herself, “I… I can’t have any children. Why would you want to stay with me?”

He stroked her back. “Tala. I didn’t pursue you and marry you as a potential baby-making factory.”

The word-picture made her huff an involuntary laugh.

“I love you, and while I would have loved any children we had, my love for you does not depend on them, whether or not they ever come to be.”

She pulled back to look at him. “But… I’m not what you signed up for. You wanted a wife, a family. You wanted children, grandchildren, descendants through the ages. We talked about it, and you were clear. So was I. I agreed to that, and now I can’t deliver.”

She hitched, scrunching up her face.

“I literally can’t deliver.” Tears threatened to overwhelm her yet again.

“Hey, hey, now.” He pulled her closer. “You wanted—want—all those things too. You aren’t stopping me from reaching a personal goal. We’ve hit a barrier toward our shared goal.” He pulled back this time, meeting her gaze with obvious determination. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She gave another huffing laugh. “That will make our honeymoon rather more local than I had anticipated.”

He blinked a few times before giving a slight smile. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”

She curled back in against him. “Really?”

“Really.”

They sat like that for a while, watching the sun rise and enjoying their drinks. Finally—far more in control of herself—Tala shifted to look up at Rane’s face once more. “You know…”

“Yes?”

“Just because we can’t conceive, that doesn’t mean we can’t practice.”