Chapter: 506 – Who

Tala knew who she was, and she was finally coming to understand who she was in relation to others and the world around her.

She was a Refined, gated-Mage of humanity. Defender, Protector, and source of power, shelter, and livelihood… a nurturer of magic. She was Eskau of the House of Blood, slayer of their last true inheritor. She was the blood daughter of one who had died to bring her into this world and one who had wronged her in a way that still hurt—even if she felt like it shouldn’t—and the volitional flockmate of a murderous terror bird.

She was iron, and iron was hers. From almost her earliest times as a student she had been fascinated by and used iron. To her, it was inextricably linked to her magic. To her, she was Iron.

But that was focusing only on who she was, not who she was to others and to the world.

Focusing outward once again, one relation stood out in stark relief. She was the wife of Rane.

There was so much joy in that, that she let herself just revel in the portion of her soul most closely tied to the man. It was the part from which the bond to him sprung, just as all soulbonds were anchored to a part of the soul. That stood to reason.

When she had taken the time to enjoy the focus on that bond, she moved on, and was immediately confronted with something else. It was an absence rather than the presence of something.

Mother of none.

Even though it was technically true, everything about that negative assertion hit her wrong.

She knew it was wrong too. She wasn’t the biological mother of anyone, not now and maybe not ever, but she was taking on the role of protector and nurturer.

She’d been doing it since her first caravan run. When she knew others were in need, she stepped in if she could.

She almost laughed as she considered things further. Even how she’d dealt with the would-be thieves during her first week in Bandfast had been maternal. She’d chastised them and ensured they got the proper punishment in hopes of reform.

Maternal… not a mother, maternal.

That resonated deeply with her.

Her internal visualization of herself shifted until she felt like she was looking upon a warm, springtime sun. It cast a benevolent light on all within her sphere, even while projecting a field of protection from the harsh realities that existed ‘out there.’

Even as Eskau, she’d sought to protect ‘her family’ which at the time had been the House of Blood. She’d done it mostly as a disguise, but she had gotten satisfaction from the work, the purpose. It helped that Be-thric had been a sore to be removed.

Make no mistake, she’d killed him for her own reasons—and for her own gain—but it had also been of help to the House of Blood, even if they wouldn’t see it that way, except in retrospect.

They might be seeing it that way, now. But that was likely being overly optimistic.

As flimsy as that reasoning was, it still fit—if only just—and looked at in that light, Tala actually felt herself relax into the notion.

Not a mother, but maternal. You don’t have to be a mother to be maternal, and being maternal doesn’t make you a mother. She huffed a laugh internally. Rust, being a mother doesn’t even necessarily bias you toward being maternal.

That felt right.

So, she moved on.

As Lisa had pointed out to her, she was still an Eskau of the House of Blood, at least officially.

She was of blood, but not all of it. Thus, yet again, she came back to the core of who she was, individually. She was iron.

Her soul resonated with that, a feeling of contentment spreading at the renewed acknowledgment of the long-known truth. The star that was her soul had a core of iron, even though she knew that wasn’t how stars worked in reality, it fit too well to dismiss the visualization.

As to others, her default state was maternal, not as their mother, but as one who sheltered and protected, provided and nurtured. That is where her heart lay, that is what called to her soul. She had not done as much nurturing and providing as she had sheltering and protecting, but all aspects spoke to her at a deep level.

Something to grow toward, I suppose. There was excitement in the prospect if she were being honest, and that was the whole point of this exercise.

She was supposed to be utterly honest.

Because of the required honesty, she had to continue. For, as true as her maternal and iron natures were, she was also the ravenous, jealous devourer. That was as true now as it had ever been. That hadn’t gone away. If anything, it had actually grown more true with time.

Her visualization of her own soul—her self—changed, becoming almost a hole to her introspection, but somehow with substance to it. It was as if there was a ball of matter that devoured all that touched it by default. Around that devouring substance, something like spiked chains seemed to encircle her, not binding her but instead coiled and ready to strike out in order to bind anything she set her will to and secure it as her own.

She was the ravenous, jealous devourer.

But she was maternal iron…

Her soul again appeared almost like a warm star, shining on existence around herself.

Then the chain-wielding devouring sphere.

Again, the warm star, with a core of iron.

She couldn’t find a flaw in either, except that they weren’t the other.

She was each…

She was both.

Their basic states seemed so at odds, but she connected to both deeply.

She was left with two rather well formed views of her self.

She was a devouring maw, claiming that which was hers and jealously utilizing it as she wished.

She often wished to protect and provide for those around her… no, not all those around her—not always. Generally, she wanted to protect and provide for those who were hers.

She’d had much the same realization before, but it hadn’t landed quite right.

Now, it seemingly had.

They weren’t at odds, these two visualizations of her self. They weren’t in conflict or a demonstration that she didn’t understand who she really was. That’s what she’d held onto in the back of her mind. That is what had been holding her back.

She wasn’t two different people, one that she knew well to herself, and an unknown enigma to the world.

She was herself both devouring and protecting.

The complete images were two sides of the same coin.

Tala gasped, shattering Alat’s hold over her body and senses.

She was still in the woods with Rane sitting beside her—his aura pulsing a pleasantly green yellow—and Lerra lying with her chin on her paws before them both.

The wolf raised her head, even as Tala’s aura pulled back into herself, roiling and twisting, being baptized in the revelation of Tala’s dual-unified nature.

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Solidifying in the truth of who she was.

Maternal Iron and Ravenous, Jealous Devourer. She was the Iron Matriarch.

Her aura rushed out once more, true-green as her soul sang within her chest… as she resonated with knowledge of who she truly was.

A smile pulled across her lips, and she almost laughed. I did get one thing wrong though. I’m not a Refined, gated Mage of humanity.

She was a Paragon.

Existence trembled around her, and she gloried in the feeling as she expanded, settling more fully into her physical form, feeling more connected with her biology, inscriptions, and natural magics than ever before.

Rane hadn’t reacted, and that almost annoyed her, but she was well aware—and fully realized—that Enar was likely keeping him focused, and so he was unaware of her revelation and elevation.

Lerra had a wolfish half-grin on her face. “Wonderfully done, Tala, Paragon of Humanity…” The wolf cleared her throat—really, she created the sounds required to mimic the clearing of a throat—and continued, “However, that was not what we were focusing on, here. You must have been close indeed for such simple meditation—even aided by Mother—to have pushed you over the edge. Do you require time to celebrate your advancement or are you able to continue the current lesson now?”

Tala gave a sheepish grin that didn’t in any way diminish her feeling of elation. I’m a Paragon!

-…Tala. I think… I think she’s lying. I think this was the exact intention of this exercise. At least a part of it. It lined up too perfectly with what you needed.-

Yeah, I sort of figured the second part, but it is possible that she’d be used to working with those already at Paragon advancement, or whatever the Pack equivalent is. Vidarra and Anatalis would likely have known, but Lerra might not have.