Chapter 139: Ascending

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry kid.”

 

Tourniquet in place on the left leg. Best she could do. Airways clear or he would shut up. Sweat getting in her eyes but she couldn’t wipe them. And on her gloves, the gray beige dust of the desert lands around Spin Boldak. Focus. Got to focus. Knew the problem.

 

“Right Cedric, I’m going to open your vest now. Got to see the wound.”

 

“I’m sorry kid. I fucked up.”

 

“You didn’t. Now, it’s gonna hurt. I need you to not move. Okay?”

 

“Yeah! Yeah, okay.”

 

The stench meant the guts were pierced. Had to get to the wound to slow down the bleeding but what if she opened the vest and his guts came out? Training said the guts came out with evisceration. Because of the pressure. She could see a piece of metal embedded in the ceramic plates.

 

“Steady now,”

 

The vest got caught on the piece of metal.

 

“The fuck is this?”

 

It was a piece of shrapnel from the IED. Looked like a half molten spoon and perhaps it was. She removed a bandage and sneaked it between the vest and the embedded metal. Apply pressure.

 

“It fucking hurts… get that thing out?”

 

“No can do, Cedric, you’ll bleed out. The surgeons will do it.”

 

Hemostatic gauze was doing the work. It would be fine.

 

“Fucking… ah, where’s Mouq?”

 

“Other side of the street.”

 

“Shit I hope no one else got hit. Is the bird on the way?”

 

“Yeah sure but it won’t land in the firefight so better make yourself comfortable.”

 

“Putain.”

 

“And you call me Princess.”

 

The veteran gave Viv a smile. She could see every hair in his graying stubble. She would remember it forever, because his answer was drowned in an explosion.

 

Viv was over Cedric before she could think. Something fell on her helmet. On her shoulder. Pieces of masonry. Dust everywhere and that had been so loud and now there was a hole in the damn wall.

 

Viv reached for her Famas. Her gloves were slippery with blood but she grabbed it. Aimed it at the gap. It was a small gap with most of the damaged bricks forming a slope on the way. Unstable footing. The first ‘barbu’ moved in. He kept a hand on the wall. He couldn’t see well. It was dark in here.

 

Viv’s first bullet caught him in the belt. He barely had time to gasp when the other caught him in the throat. He just… toppled. He was on the ground and Viv was up, up and moving. Switched firing mode to burst fire. They had grenades. She would not die here. They would die here. Swear words in Pashtun came from the outside. She moved up and to the side over a rolled carpet. A man turned his head trying to see in. She was at an angle. She took the shot. The man’s jaw vaporized in a flower of flesh and bone. More swear words. Viv got closer. Closer. Someone screamed and moved. Looked like the previous one but younger. Both rail thin with short black hair. Angular faces. She spotted liquid eyes and terror and she shot him in the chest. Small entry wounds. More shots. He fell forward, his back a ruin. Viv was at the entrance when she saw the old man pull the pin of a second grenade. His AK hung from his shoulder. Their eyes met.

 

Chest chest head.

 

Viv jumped back and dove. One second, two seconds. Where was the bloody thing?

 

Another explosion. She could feel it in her bones. She looked up, finally taking in Corporal Cedric. He had his G1 out, aimed at the opening. His other hand kept pressure. She could see his chest rise and fall.

 

Viv almost shot the shape bursting through the door. For a moment, she crossed eyes with Mouq as a potential threat. There was not a hint of mercy on that face. The Algerian French medic aimed towards the opening after recognizing Viv, never lowering her guard. She signed a question.

 

“I think I got them all,” Viv replied by simply speaking.

 

“Al’ama Princess, you did? How many?”

“Four.”

 

“Ok. Wow. Ok, I’ll get the stretcher. We’re moving.”

 

“Yeah,” Viv said.

 

Belatedly, she realized she should probably load a new mag. No wait, she had to look after Cedric.

 

“You enjoyed killing them, didn’t you?”

 

A strange sense of disconnection made her blink. Mouq was still there but now the small Afghan warehouse felt blurry. Half-forgotten. Cedric had made it back without issue thanks to her. He told everyone how she’d killed the jihadists until Princess became more than a mocking word. This had already happened. She knew it. And the Mouq talking now with eyes of black sclera was not her friend, yet she could only stand here with her hands on the Famas and listen. It wasn’t shock. She was just lacking… agency. Choice. The inner part of her she recognized as a soul pulsed once.

 

“You enjoyed it. You walked out and finished them and it felt great, it felt like winning. You like winning. You liked winning against them because they didn’t regard you as a warrior. You saw the looks, what they thought of you. Women have no place on the battlefield, especially the pretty ones like you. You loved proving them wrong.”

 

Mouq walked forward. She was so tall and the abyss of her eyes, so deep.

 

“Face it, you’re a vicious thing. A wild one. Shed the clothes. Shed the plastic and metal. You’re better than this. You don’t need it, not anymore. It’s a tool that weakens you because you depend on it until one day, it will betray you. You are lying to yourself with the empire and those rules and the people you protect. You do not care. You never cared. They give you an excuse to unleash who you truly are. Don’t they? Let go, Viviane. You are a cold one.”

 

Viv knew she was a bit too distant. All those sob stories shared by her friend had tired and annoyed her from the start. Why did they cry for that little girl who was starving in that sad article? What about all the other little girls? Was someone going to act on it? Or just get horrified until the next day when another distraction would come and replace it for that vicarious burst of emotions? Viv didn’t care for people she’d never met or wasn’t friends with.

 

“That’s not true.”

 

The abyss stared.

 

“I don’t have to care with my heart to care. I don’t have to be friends with the whole planet.”

 

“Then those are just excuses you build to avoid the truth of who you are. You have neutered yourself just to avoid facing this obvious fact. You’re evil, Viv. Just like all the people you’ve killed. Don’t fool yourself. The only difference between you and them is that you’ve won.”

 

Viv’s soul pulsed once again. This time she was sure of it. This was not reality. The room shifted, colors bleeding into the background.

 

“You won’t escape staring at yourself so easily,” the darkness said.

 

The walls felt firmer, suddenly. Cedric was breathing fast again.

 

“I covered him,” Viv said.

 

The darkness under Mouq’s face twitched.

 

“I covered his body. That was the first thing I did. Not run at them to kill like a beast. I covered him first, then I saved us both. You are deceitful. I also protect those I care about.”

 

Viv felt the ghostly caress of smooth, warm scale under her fingertips. She could hear a faint squee.

 

“I would die for them.”

 

The room collapsed on itself. Her soul pulsed once more but it could not move. She was still so new.

 

***

 

Viv checked the tray one last time. They were here, on the other side of the stall. Terror and anger warred in her chest. Her heart thundered under her ribs and the water felt cold against her skin. She shivered. Her hand stuck against the wooden panel kept dry since the start. It had to stay dry or it might slip.

 

She felt her face freeze up from the stress.

 

There were no steps in the changing room. The hard ground made sure of it. There were giggles though. Hard to miss those, especially at 8PM on a weekday. In December. It was a bad day to go for handball training and that’s why she’d done it. Laetita had been looking for her so she would find her.

 

The tall girl dragged the curtain away with speed and a mocking smile.

 

Laetitia was a little overweight and quite strong. Bulky. She’d been tall and overwhelming among the girls for most of her life. She also had a chip on her shoulder. Bad grades. Viv was sure that with some discipline and a diagnosis, her situation would improve. Unfortunately, her dad was a cunt, her mom a bitch, and she wasn’t Viv’s problem. So she wouldn’t get help.

 

Viv cut the water. The air was cold on her wet, bare skin. She shook again.

 

“Hey, if it isn’t—”

 

Viv grabbed the sock with her dry hand. The windup didn’t take long. She’d practiced at home just to be sure. It scared her but she was telling herself, it wasn’t her decision. If Laetitia came, she deserved what would be coming for her.

 

The soap smashed into Laetitia’s shoulder. It cut her off. She was shocked. She took a step back. Viv took a step forward and hit again. It caught the girl in the temple. Laetitia raised her hand in reflex but the sock was very long, the knee high kind and made of nylon. Another smack. Another smack. Laetita hit the bench and sat, still silent.

 

There was a mousy girl to Viv’s left and a blonde, thin one to Viv’s right. They might have overwhelmed her if they tried but they didn’t. They were soft. This was a nice, expensive gym associated with a nice, expensive school for the children of doctors, lawyers, and politicians. People didn’t beat people in the changing rooms. That was a poor person’s hobby. There was no physical violence here. People said nasty things to each other and abused each other indirectly, or when it couldn’t be seen. Like civilized people.

 

They couldn’t believe their eyes. Or they could but they didn’t know what to do.

 

So they watched Viv beat Laetitia with a soap in a sock.

 

It took seven hits for Laetitia to gasp out of her stupor from the cumulated pain.

 

“Stop! Stop! You’re crazy!”

 

The mousy girl took a step towards the door. Viv’s face whipped towards her. She froze.

 

Viv walked to the door and stood in front of it. There was a lock but she didn’t have the key. Not that it mattered. The gym was deserted at that time. She was naked and cold and shivering but she felt so detached and buoyed by stress that it didn’t matter.

 

“Going somewhere?” Viv asked.

 

Her voice didn’t flinch, didn’t break. She sounded much more dangerous than she felt. Back on the bench, Laetita was recovering. She felt uncertain but angry. So Viv returned to her and hit her again. Then again.

 

“Aie! Stop, stop!”

 

“Stop? Why? What did you come here to do? Huh? Huh?”

 

Smack. Another smack. The blonde girl took a step forward so Viv whipped her with a back swing. She missed. The blow went too high and hit the blonde girl in the face. She whined a high pitched noise and sat against the floor, one hand up.

 

A wave of panic filled Viv but she pushed it down. She knew there would be marks. There wouldn’t be any on her though. She was screwed either way if they talked.

 

That was what mattered. That and the message.

 

“Listen. I know why you’re here. I know what you did to Fleur.”

 

“You insane bitch,” Laetitia moaned.

 

Viv hit her again. Smack. Then again. Smack. A third time. Smack.

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

 

“Got more to say?”

 

“Fuck you, you’re mad!”

 

“Do. You. Got.”

 

“Stop! Please! Fuck!”

 

“Right, I know what you did to Fleur.”

 

Viv took a moment to breathe hard. She was both hot and cold at the same time. Really weird. And naked while the girls were dressed. And there were three of them but they were scared of her.

 

Shit this could go so wrong still.

 

“You’re going to fuck off. If you talk about this to anyone,—”

 

“And who were you protecting?” Laetitia asked with eyes like two pits.

 

Something made Viv blink. The room grew fuzzy. This… was how it had ended. She’d gone home and acted like nothing happened. There were rumors until the end of the year and she’d been quietly replaced as class deputy, though there was never any sort of official punishment. Laetitia’s harassment had stopped. This… had already happened. Many years ago, at the end of high school.

 

Her soul pulsed. Protecting? What did this have to do with anything? She felt strange, alien. She could not move. There was no option in her mind for her to move. She knew moving was possible, just not for her. The thing wearing Laetitia got close. There was really nothing inside those scleras. They seemed to absorb the pale light.

 

“You enjoyed seeing her beg. You enjoyed the power you had over those three who thought themselves so domineering. They thought untouched meant untouchable and you proved them wrong. You brought savagery to their little pathetic bullying. You broke their resolve. This is you, the true you. There was no one to protect here. You lured them into a trap and then you punished them. Is it not so?”

 

“I was…”

 

“The fat whore thought she’d caught you. You remember the look of triumph on her porcine face. Every tooth in that half-opened snout of hers. You remember the shock when she moved back. You remember the impact of soap on her, how it made the fat of her arm jiggle under the sweater. You enjoyed breaking her very, very much.”

 

Viv’s soul pulsed. She had a soul? That she could feel? How peculiar. And that was… half of a conversation?

 

“I was protecting myself.”

 

“You could have done many things, not the least talk to a parent or a professor. You went for them. You baited them.”

 

“I was defending myself,” Viv insisted. “I wanted to be safe.”

 

“There were other ways.”

 

“There are always other ways. Sometimes, the best way is the most primal one.”

 

There was a look of triumph on the void thing’s borrowed face.

 

“Yes. Yes! This was a game of dominance and you won it! You showed them all those rules they thought they were abusing didn’t protect them at all. You reminded them what the world is really like.”

 

‘And then they left Fleur alone. My friend.”

 

“Fleur was weak!”

 

“Fleur was taking care of her family. She had strength where it mattered. And I had strength… where it was needed.”

 

“You cling to excuses and causes. Anything to justify your actions. You don’t have to justify. The strong never do. Embrace what you really are.”

 

“No one said I couldn’t join the useful to the pleasurable. No one said an artisan should never have fun. If I can help Fleur and feel good doing it, then that is fine.”

 

“You love destroying things.”

 

“I do. I really do. So what? I enjoy building them as well.”

 

Viv’s soul pulsed. The room melted into a starless night.

 

***

 

“I’m not going to Sciences-Po.”

 

“Then why did you take the exam? And pass it?”

 

Papa reclined in his seat, in the home office. She hated this place now. It used to be a forbidden spot to sneak in until he somehow made it the ‘big speech’ room. There wasn’t a seat for her. Another game.

 

“I know what you’ve planned. I know you made calls,” Viv reproached.

 

“I just want what’s best for you. Everyone who can give their children an edge will do so.”

 

“I know Tristan will go there as well.”

 

He shrugged, suit shifting over his runner’s build. Even in the confines of his home, he was perfectly combed and clean-shaven. His green eyes drifted over her and then to his desk. He still had work to do. She was just a waste of time.

 

Papa was devastatingly handsome if the flock of infatuated women sighing after him were any indication. He knew it. He had influence and wealth and the looks and the wit so everyone loved him and they couldn’t see what a controlling asshole he was.

 

“You don’t have to date him,” he tiredly said.

 

“You did it.”

 

“Tristan wants to work for the Conseil d’Etat. Sciences-Po is a good place to start. For you as well until you decide what you want to become. Any higher education remains a good tool in one’s arsenal, if only for the networking opportunities. I would have preferred HEC but you don’t have the right temperament.”

 

“How far do I have to go so you don’t get to pick things for me? How many teachers do you know there?”

 

“It’s not a rigid institution, Viv. I’m just letting a few people know in case you need help. I don’t know why you’re so mad.”

 

“You know exactly why I’m mad. I want to succeed without you constantly cheating! I want to earn what I get. Why don’t you get it?”

 

“You’re better than this, Viviane cherie. I told you before. If you don’t cheat in a cheater’s game, you’re not really playing.”

 

“I don’t care about winning if the one who won is really you! I want you to STOP CONTROLLING EVERYTHING I DO! You know what? You won’t get it. So I’m going where your flunkies can’t go.”