Chapter ??? Non canon cannon vampire

Boring. Boring. It was so boring. The fools who had teleported them may have a solid grasp of space magic but their threat assessment abilities were… lacking. Ariane sniffed the air. Ichor. Meat. Ash. And an undercurrent of excitement that smelled like bloodshot eyes and cheap energy drinks. They wanted a show. Well, the girls were going to give everyone a show. One they wouldn’t regret. She closed her eyes.

They were on a planet, a real one, but the currents of fate were too interwoven to allow for a stable gate going outward. That meant the culprits were closed.

“Wepwawet, do we have access to nuclear weapons?” Ariane asked.

“Technically yes,” the god replied, “but only after a massive kill streak and as a stylish finisher. Viewers don’t like them so much when they’re used mid-game.”

That meant the abductors were not below. They wouldn’t risk it.

Predators never looked up

“Wepwawet, would you say that the goodies we can teleport to us are stored… nearby? Say, from where the show is being ‘broadcasted’?”

“Hmm, I suppose so? Why? Whatever you intend to do, do it quickly. Our viewers are losing interest.”

“Can you purchase and activate a beacon but without sending it to us?”

“I can try.”

There was a bleep, both closer than expected and quite diffuse. A distant cloud shimmered for the briefest of instants. It was a floating base hidden behind some sort of dimensional veil.

“Clever. Everyone, leave the sorry mortals alone. I have found better prey,” Ariane told the others.

From the depth of her Magna Arqa, Ariane pulled a stone dragon the size of an airliner.

“Hey, that’s cheating!” Wepwawet complained.

“All aboard Air Ariane flight to disaster!” Ariane replied.

“Wait… our view count is increasing?”

The dragon was flying forward at great speed less than a second later. Automatic defenses activated near their destination, striating the sky with rays. Ariane cast a shield or dodged the rest, mindful that some of her allies might not survive too much acceleration. She aimed a hand at the camouflaged base.

“Shieldbreaker.”

Her old spell found the veil and peeled it off, revealing the tender hull hidden behind.

“Cat, if you could gently knock?”

“On it,” the gunslinger replied.

A purple rocket roared in front of them. Incandescent debris fell in a shower of heated metal down, forcing insects, sorry, the contestants to run for their lives. Ari frowned when the dragon flew into the… mostly circular blast hole.

“So why does the hole have cat ears?” Julietta asked.

Cat complained about aliens. Ariane could only agree. Aliens were to be eaten, exploded, subjugated, or made into lovers. And also subjugated but a little more gently.

The dragon dropped them into a wide corridor decorated with direction panels and intestines. It felt futuristic but also, somehow, very cheap. Barely functional. Ariane glared at the panels. As an American, she hated the very idea of learning foreign languages before she could have fun.

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“Hold on, buying a translation package,” Cat mumbled. “And done. This here says bridge, and this is ‘specimen lab’.”

“I’m interested,” Julietta said, perking up.

“I am formally offering you a job as my planetary secretary,” Ariane offered Cat.

Alas, the brunette refused her. Even after being offered dental and a competitive salary. The audacity! Nevertheless, she and Julietta split off to visit the specimen lab while Ariane made her way to the bridge. A spell tried to grab her. She sliced it off with her claw. Space magic?

“They want to teleport us away. Oh so when you invite us in it’s all fun and games but when we graciously visit your house and sample your delicacies, suddenly it’s not so entertaining anymore? Goodness. No manners.

Grasping claws and clenching jaws,

Jumping craws and closing maws,

Come to play us as a treat.