Chapter 64: Party Crashers

William Oh wears clothes of such heavenly beauty that only one has ever looked upon them without pain. Like looking directly into the sun, their sheer magnificence will burn into the viewer’s very soul, the sight clinging to their eyes no matter how much they blink.

It is a sight to behold, that brings tears of gratitude to a man’s eyes, that he has lived in an era where he can witness Perfection.

• Jason Salazar.

“And I’m saying, there’s gotta be a way to tailor the collar such that it isn’t strangling me,” Will croaked, struggling to breathe.

“Master, the current trend is tight collars emphasizing a slender neck. Do you wish to breathe or do you wish to impress?” Stevie said, taking the strip of cloth away from his neck.

“Breathe, obviously,” Will said. “Look, let’s just go the other direction, make the collar way bigger, give it some space for gold embroidery and pop it out.” Will motioned with his hand.

“You want to do…the opposite of the current fashion?” the undeadbutler asked.

“How do you think new fashion happens?” Will demanded. “It’s Mostly so I can breathe, but if I just loosen the collar I look like I’m half-assing it. Make it big. Make it say ‘look at me, I did this on purpose.’”

“It’s your image.” Billy-bob said with a sigh from where he was tailoring the pants.

“Did anyone ever accomplish anything by not standing out?” Will asked.

“Frank Argyle survived as an advisor during the rise and fall of four bloodthirsty Lords who purged previous administrations and killed for perceived slights. During this time, he managed to introduce several reforms that eased the suffering of the common people.” Billy-bob said from his stitchwork.

“Who?”

“Exactly.”

“Let’s try this.” Stevie said, placing an oversized piece of test fabric around Will’s neck and pinning it in place before standing back.

It was maybe a half-inch bigger.

“No, you don’t understand, I want this thing to block my vision, like I’m too important to see people who don’t interest me.” Will said. “Like a villain from a Saturday morning melodrama.”

Stevie’s brow raised.

“As you wish, Master,” he said, shaking his head as he stepped away to cut a bigger piece of test fabric.

“Pants,” Billy-bob said, stepping away from his stitchwork and helping Will into his new pants.

They fit better than any nonmagical clothes he’d ever worn before.

“Gods-be-damned.” Will mused, shifting his weight and lifting his legs. “How are you so good at this?”

“What makes a competent retainer valuable is that he possesses a wide range of skills.” Stevie said. “Accounting, law, tailoring. We dabble in many things.”

After another hour, the two ghosts had dressed Will to his satisfaction, and he presented himself to the rest of his Party.

“It’s awful,” Travis said.

“You look like a clown,” June said, nodding.

“I don’t know nothing about fashion…but it looks more expensive than anything I’ve ever worn?” Reggie said hesitantly, trying to be nice.

“You should drink some water,” Alicia whispered. “You’re a little dehydrated.”

“I’m not the best judge of human fashion,” Loth said with a shrug.

“It’s pretty bad, Will,” Mason said. “Why not just go with what’s in fashion?”

“Because I hated it and would rather look like an idiot than strangle myself in order to fit in.” Will replied with a shrug, popping his collar with his Phantom Hand. “Besides, I’m going to be a walking, talking lure to attract my prey.”

“not sure what’ll bite on that, but good…good luck,” June said, clapping him on the shoulder.

The Phantom thief would take one look at him and realize that he was a distraction…which was exactly what he wanted.

“Oh my god,” Travis said. “What is up with that collar!?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Will asked.

“If anything ever said ‘I have a big purse and a small dick’, it would be that collar.”

“Excellent.” Will said, leaving the rest of his Party flabbergasted, save Loth.

Will scanned the rest of his Party. They were all wearing nice clothes that had been tailored to fit them perfectly, but none of them had been designed from the ground up to be ostentatious, like Will’s outfit.

None of them were wearing their Relics, either.

It was a strict Non-Combat dress-code. Many rich people didn’t like stepping on trailing AOE’s of sticky muck, or getting too close to someone and receiving a Slow debuff because they weren’t in the same Party.

That gradually led to a custom where only the host and the Lord of the city were allowed to wear their Relics to any sufficiently fancy party.

The Lord was unlikely to attend a party hosted by some random mid-tier administrator throwing a last-second party. In fact, most of the highest-level nobles in the city would probably pass, leaving only the dregs of upper society. Rich, but not influential.

This meant a low-power scene, with only a single person with a non-combat class and non-combat Relics as the only one allowed to wear them.

And THAT meant the party was a hostage situation waiting to happen.

Bee could walk right in, subdue the host and walk out with the prize without much resistance from anyone.

I mean, not that she’ll get away with much, Will thought. Not if Loth’s traps had anything to say about it. Mr. Francis had been very grateful for the return of his coffin. So much so that he’d been willing to assist with the ‘heist’.

Loth had trapped the shit out of the coffin, and anyone who tried to move or open it would get viciously nailed.

Will was pretty sure Bee would survive. The girl had outlandish Strength and Resistance.

Will frowned. Outlandish Strength and Resistance, huh?

Will put his ring, tomahawk, mask and amulet into the Phantom Hand, just in case. There wasn’t enough space for his torso, legs and boots, but he would have to make due with half his kit.

That was more than everyone else got.

Once everyone had taken their last bathroom break, they all piled into a carriage provided by Michael Francis. The carriage itself was somewhat plain with simple gold inlays that pleased the eye without being overwhelming.

The thing that really stuck out like a sore thumb was the fact the carriage was being pulled along by a giant’s disembodied hand.

Will spent half the trip sticking his head out the window and staring at the mummified kaiju fingers used as private transportation.

“Where can I get one of those!?” Will asked Alicia, pulling his head back into the carriage.

“You need to know a necromancer and kill a humanoid Kaiju. My father took a hunting trip down to Akul two years ago and got one stuffed as a trophy.” Alicia whispered. “It’s on our front lawn going through tai-chi poses.”

“Neat.”

As they approached the city administrator’s mansion, Will quizzed them on their roles for the party.

Which was simple, because they weren’t expected to do anything except for spread the word that Alicia Zodiac was in Will’s Party, and keep an eye out for the Phantom Thief.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Will had considered asking Micheal to allow them to bring their relics, but he also thought that would put them in a vulnerable position…legally.

Michael could have them arrested, point out their weapons as evidence they were attempting a robbery, and then, having found his scapegoat, quietly sweep the entire situation under the rug.

My paranoia rearing it’s head again.

So it was just Will and Loth sneaking their Relics into the party, and the others were kept blissfully ignorant of the back-and-forth going on behind the scenes.

Alicia was the most important part. She was social armor, in a sense. It made it a lot harder to arrest Will while she was in his Party.

She honestly thought they were just going to a fancy party, and she was actually kind of excited to go to a party with friends rather than to ‘be paraded around and stared at like a prized horse’, which made Will feel a little bad about using her like that. And for what, a pointless game of tag?

But there’s nothing saying we can’t have a good time, network with some of Thea’s contacts, and engage in petty, manipulative subterfuge at the same time, Will thought.

The carriage rolled to a stop in front of the same mansion Will and Loth had delivered the coffin to the night before, and the giant mummified hand came to rest, prompting the six of them to pile out, stretching their legs and sighing in relief.

“Alright,” Will said, staring up at the crowd of people filtering through the oversized double doors. “Let’s make an impression.”

He popped his collar.

Mason looked like he wanted to say something, but just sighed and kept his peace, while Alicia took Reggie’s hand and dragged the Tank toward the stream of people entering the main hall.

June shrugged and took Mason’s hand, and Travis shrugged and followed.

Will followed shortly after, climbing up the stairs behind them and giving his invitation to the crier, who announced ‘Alicia Zodiac, William Oh, and company.’

The chatter died to nearly nothing as the words ‘William Oh’ were uttered, their gazes landing on Alicia Zodiac and Reggie.

Most gazes flickered away from Will as soon as they landed on him, as if he were painful to look at, none of them even getting a good look at the man wearing the amazing outfit.

Well…damn. Their loss. On the subject, I wonder if a Relic that makes you painful to look at exists. It might be useful. Will thought as he stalked through the party invisibly thanks to his retina-burning outfit, looking for Bee.

“Did you lose a bet, young man?” An older gentleman with sagging jowels asked with a wry smile as Will walked past. He was wearing a subdued outfit with gold embroidery, and had a very bored looking young man with similar features standing beside him.

“No, I need to catch a shapeshifter, so my best bet is to draw them to me with an outlandish wardrobe.” Will said, shaking the man’s hand. “…Plus I was hoping to start a new fashion trend and maybe get some attention from the ladies as a side-benefit.”

Women were also avoiding looking at him. Will has partly happy to have such excellent social camouflage, but it was a bit painful.

“I know how that goes,” the older man said, nodding. “It’s not a bad idea, but you need to tap into human’s herd instinct in order to pull it off. Get someone with authority to publicly endorse the outfit, and you can lead the crowd by the nose.”

“Wow, there’s layers to this, huh.” Will mused. He hadn’t considered that aspect of it at all. He kind of just assumed people that started new fashion crazes just showed up in outlandish outfits and everyone just followed suit…but what the old man was saying made perfect – if a bit depressing – sense.