CH873 Mora’s Perspective

Laying down in his bed, Mora stared at the ceiling above, not spending the night enjoying any of the books or games he’d been given but instead lost in his thoughts now that he was finally home, being back in Stonewall reminding him of the disaster he’d left it in.

There were no signs of Bloom’s carnage left, Ben having fixed it all but the memories were still there, eating at him and his shortcomings. His own childishness, something he was usually good at managing, had been the cause of that disaster and he had nobody to blame but himself, even if he knew that wasn’t entirely fair for him either.

He was young and inexperienced, still figuring out how to be a member of the world he lived in and struggling with it each day, with even trying to fully understand how to connect to others being a challenge that was only manageable thanks to the people who wanted to connect with him back making the effort he was failing in.

And he knew that parts of it would get better with time too, but only parts. Inexperience was one thing that could be overcome as he learned more about the world and how he’d fit in it, when he wasn’t even one year old it felt like everything was still new. The real issue was that he didn’t actually know if time would solve all of his problems.

He was something that shouldn’t have existed. Something he knew that shouldn’t have existed. A child spirit, the only one in the world which was a fact that left an unavoidable question in his mind. Would he ever be able to grow up?

That wasn’t something spirits did after all and he didn’t know what it would mean for him to do such a thing. Technically, as a great spirit, there was nowhere else to grow. He knew he wasn’t a mortal despite certain similarities, his attributes were fixed by his very nature and while his appearance was that of a child, he could change the shape of the mana that made up his body if he so desired but that wouldn’t fix where the real issue lied. His mind.

The mental structure of a spirit warped to fit the shape of a young incubus and creating something that was simultaneously both, what he needed was to one day mature beyond what he currently was but he didn’t even know if that was possible. He didn’t think with a brain, he wouldn’t experience the things that changing with age and puberty would bring and he had no biology to help shape his nature. The odds seemed far too good that he’d be forced to stay that way forever, a victim of the careless experiment that was his creation and a fact that he wanted to escape.

While not feeling rushed to grow up, he didn’t want to be eternally young either. He didn’t want his more youthful impulses to affect his decision making and he didn’t want to be causing problems for the people around him forever. More importantly, he didn’t want to make those same people eventually grow to hate him if he couldn’t change.

Neither Thera nor Ben had blamed him for what had happened, they’d both been supportive and helpful in trying to make it right but even if he tried his best, Mora couldn’t help but worry that he’d make a mistake of a similar scale again. How many times could he mess up before they’d get tired of him? How much could he fail before they’d get rid of him too like the life and death spirits before them?

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He absolutely didn’t want that. He liked being with them. Liked living with them and Sonya and liked being able to spend time with Delair and her family too. Compared to his life after birth, what he had now was irreplaceable which made the thought of losing it all the scarier.

But then what? He asked himself. I can wonder all I want but I still don’t know how to grow.