Ch48 Food Chain 2: Eclectic Bologna

 

“Hey, we didn’t do any of this, honest!” yelled Zaps.

“I SAID PUT BRIARSTONE DOWN! NOW!” Magenta yelled at me, ignoring Zaps.

“I am complying,” I quickly placed the green suited hero, ‘Briarstone’, down on the street.

“Now back away and get on the ground!”

 

I slowly backed up, moving closer to Zaps who was looking rather twitchy. He looked back and forth between the van and Magenta before getting to his knees. I was glad he did not decide to start a fight; this was a bad situation to get caught in, but it really hadn’t been our fault, and the two heroes, Avos and ‘Briarstone’, could confirm that once they recovered. Trying to resist arrest at this point would only-

 

*eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BOOM*

 

A shockwave burst from one of the apartment windows and hit Magenta dead center. Her forcefield flared, dispersing the blast and leaving her unharmed. The vampire had attacked her!

 

“More hostiles in the building! Move in!”

“Um, that was the-“

“Lucha!“

*Whump*

 

Before I could finish speaking, I was slammed in my midsection by a flying tackle. It propelled me across the street and into a parked car. I wasn’t exactly sure how Suprex managed to sneak up on me, especially considering his costume was even more gaudy than normal. It was still pants, cape, and mask, but the colors had been switched around to mostly red, blue, and orange, and there were multi-colored glass gemstones set into a flame pattern around his mask.

 

“Ah fuck this!” yelled Zaps from outside my line of sight, followed by the crackling of two bolts, “Pebbles get out of here! We’ll catch up!”

 

Well, I guess we were fighting then.

 

Suprex was still grappling my midsection, so I punched him in the face. My fist connected and his head rocked back, a little blood leaking from a split lip. That was odd, I was sure he had super strength.

 

“Interesting way to say hello mi amigo,” said Suprex, spitting a little blood to the side. “Allow me to introduce myself.”

“I already kno-“

 

He grabbed the front of my suit in a fist, and with both hands quickly lifted me over his head (definitely a strength power), before trying to toss me. My limbs bent down and latched onto the road, but the concrete crumbled under my fingers, and he launched me straight up into the air. Two stories, three, four… seven! Way too high!

 

ERROR!

 

Even with super strength, the angle was all wrong for the forces exerted. With the method he used to throw me, he would need to be ridiculously strong to throw my current weight this high, but I’d managed to hurt him with a simple punch. How exactly did his super strength work? Was it perhaps some form of telekinesis?

 

I reached the apex of my flight and began to fall, flailing and twisting to try and readjust my position. At this height, I was going to sustain damage regardless of how I landed, but it really depended on whether the durability and spring-like qualities of foldable muscle could compensate for the increased weight of foldable muscle. I was reasonably certain I could cushion the fall enough that I’d only break my arms and legs, and more or less certain that my core would survive the impact regardless of the damage my body sustained. I would need to thank Adder for her lesson on weight again. Above a certain weight threshold, a falling body would follow fluid dynamics, rather than just safely crumpling.

 

I fell, stretching my limbs out to their maximum extension below me to try and absorb as much of the coming impact as I could. The ground rose to meet me quickly, twenty more meters, ten more meters, five meters, but-

 

“Castigo!“

 

Just as I was about to hit the ground, Suprex lept at me from the side, intercepting my fall. I tried to bring one arm up to block, but he dodged, he twisted, phased through, I missed… huh?

 

ERROR! ERROR! ERROR!

 

Suprex’s arm hit me just under the neck, in what I recognized as a ‘clothesline’ maneuver. Instantly I was hit to the side, all of my momentum transferred ninety degrees into a completely perpendicular direction-

 

ERROR!

 

-and I was blown across the street, through a window, and then through a concrete wall, finally coming to a stop embedded in someone’s stand-alone plastic wardrobe.

 

Damage to left arm: fractured support bone, 10% muscle mass overstrained.

Damage to left leg: torn ligament, skin abrasions.

Damage to torso: 3 broken ribs, broken collar bone, musculature bruising…

 

The list of damaged organs and parts went on and on, but amazingly, I was still within acceptable combat condition. I’d fallen seven stories and then been thrown through a concrete wall, and yet all of the damage done was minor. Foldable muscle or no foldable muscle, I should have been a pile of half-liquified meat with chitin shards floating in it, but I’d be able to heal this damage in less than a minute. Still, dealing with Suprex’s power was confusing! I did not want to continue such an unpredictable fight at all.

I extricated myself from the wardrobe, and headed for a door leading further into the apartment building. Zaps was just going to have to find his own way back, I wasn’t risking myself in such an unpredictable situation.

 

“Oh? Still on your feet amigo?” asked Suprex, interrupting my getaway. He was standing in the hole my flight created in the wall. “Thought I tapped you a bit harder than that. Ready for round two?”

“I’m not fighting you!”

“Feel free to tap out whenever you want pequeño cráneo. I’ve got a free ticket to Panama with your name on it ready for you.”

 

“…I don’t want to go to Panama.”

 

I threw some detritus from the broken wardrobe at Suprex and fled out of the room, my traction claws carving divots in the carpet. Through two more doors I found the main hallway for the building’s ground floor, and started searching for one of the exits. I got about forty feet when a door on my left swung open violently, and Suprex came charging through with a shoulder charge. He smashed into me, and I bounced against the hallway wall.

 

“Actually, now that I think about it, you never did give me your name,” mused Suprex, “I watched Trebla’s little video, but your name was mysteriously absent from it. A good debut, but you forgot to announce your name at the end! Don’t you know a luchador should announce their name loud, and proud, so the audience can cheer their name!?”

“…It’s Tofu.”

 

I spat a slug at his face (which he blocked by catching it), then swiped with a claw to create distance before continuing my run down the hall. I didn’t get more than twenty feet when Suprex came crashing through a door on my right, feet first.

 

“Patadas Voladoras!“

 

His feet connected on my side with such force that I was sent flying through another wall, where I landed on the couch in some civilian’s living room.

 

ERROR!

 

That hit from Suprex should have broken my spine on impact, but neither the attack nor my flight through a concrete wall left me with any injuries above a severe bruise.

 

“You use such dirty tactics señor Tofu. Spitting and clawing. You’d make a good rudo in the ring.”

“How did you get ahead of me?”

“…You know, your banter really needs some work.”

“I only just started practicing today,” and it wasn’t exactly at the top of my priorities right now.

 

What was troubling me now, was how Suprex kept getting ahead of me. Did he also have multiple powers? But his wiki entry hadn’t made any mention of teleportation or super speed, only a mention for his shows of strength, and that what he did have was called ‘Ultimate Kayfabe’ by his fans. Researching kayfabe had brought me down an endless linked chain of articles on different topics like acting, wrestling, and memes and stories I didn’t understand. The best idea I had was that he had a multi-faceted power based upon the concept of ‘not breaking character in a wrestling match’. This… somehow related to defying physics?

Whatever his power, it seemed running was no good. I took a combat stance.

“Oh? Are you ready to fight me then?”

“I don’t understand how your super strength works. Please keep that in mind so that I don’t accidentally kill you.”

“Ha! So you do know how to banter!”

 

I ignored him and started throwing basic punches in the way that Adder taught me. Of the things I’d tried so far, my first punch was the only thing that had phased him even a little. Perhaps that was a clue. I started with jabs and feints from a distance to test him, as I wasn’t willing to close in. Most of what he’d done so far had been grabs, and flashy moves I recognized from a few fighting arcade games and pictures in articles about ‘pro wrestling’, articles that I’d quickly disregarded as being useless to my combat advancement. Obviously I would have to go back and research pro wrestling in-depth. He was managing to dodge my punches while using what looked like ridiculously exaggerated motions, that nevertheless worked.

 

“What’s this? The big scary monster practices boxing?”

“You aren’t supposed to call people names. It’s mean.”

“Ah,” he coughed, “Well then, excuse my poor choice of w- oof“

 

My punch connected, I’d managed to hit him in the stomach. The hit should have done nothing based on his displayed level of super strength, but he acted as if he took a punch from someone of equal strength.

 

*Cough* “Heh, that’s quite the punch you have there niño.”

“Please stop calling me names.”

“…That wasn’t an insult.”

“Oh. I don’t know spanish yet. I still need to finish reading my way through the english dictionary.”

“Well you’ll have plenty of time to learn in a cell.”

 

He rushed forwards, and blocked one of my punches by sweeping his left arm up with deceptive strength. Then he tried to sweep a foot out from under me, but was far too slow to-

 

ERROR!

 

My foot slipped out from under me as he kicked my leg, my traction claws somehow failing to find any purchase. Then he grabbed my sides under my arms and started to pull me forwards. I stabilized myself by grabbing the floor with a free han-

 

ERROR!

 

My fingers slipped, and he pulled me forwards towards himself, before dropping and rolling backwards with me still in his grip.

 

“Estacas!“

 

I flipped over him, the force of his throw causing me to somersault forward and slam into the wall behind him while upside down. Again, only minor broken bones and bruises, but he kept thwarting my attempts at normal combat with his power.

Suprex rolled to his feet and approached me. I didn’t bother righting myself, and started kicking with my feet instead. He dodged using his overly exaggerated style again, avoiding my kicks by centimeters.

 

So I extended knives.

 

I felt the blades connect, scoring multiple gouges along his torso, neck, face, and arm. Suprex burst into motion and swept both his arms up, catching both my legs and shoving them up and away so violently that my feet hit the ceiling. He backed off while breathing heavily, and clutching at his new wounds. I took the opportunity to right myself.

 

“Still with the dirty tricks, eh Tofu?”

“You cheat too.”

“How dare you even suggest the notion.”

“Then why are most of your wounds missing?” Most of the gouges I’d just carved were gone, only a cut on his cheek, a cut on his forearm, and a thin cut across one of his pectoral muscles was left.

“Because a hero can’t quit before evil is vanquished.”

 

He took a fighting pose with legs spread and both fists on the ground. Then he sprang forward unnaturally fast, and started hitting me with arm thrusts. Each hit felt unstoppable, unerringly landing on my torso and doing more damage than any of his other supernatural displays of strength.

 

ERROR! ERROR! ERROR!

 

I stopped trying to dodge or block the arm thrusts, and instead curled my arms around to his back before wrapping them around his torso. My knives and tendrils extended, and I attempted to stab him, choke him, and even dissolve him with micro units. Something had to get through his power.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAH!“

He roared as he attacked, not even trying to break my hold, and instead his arm thrusts picked up more speed, slamming into me like he was a machine. The wall behind me began to crack from the force (his attacks should have been punching through my torso by this point), and with one final thrust that vibrated my organs in their casings, the wall gave way, and I was hurled out into the apartment building’s main lobby.

Which made no sense, since we’d been fighting next to a hallway.

 

“I’m confused.”

“Understandable. My techniques are not for the likes of lesser men to comprehend.”

“No, I meant your power. And wasn’t that a sumo technique? I thought you did lucha libre.”

He shrugged, “Wrestling is wrestling.”

 

This book’s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

Annoying, even his fighting style was inconsistent. I wasn’t sure how to deal with a power that only allowed damage if you followed the user’s own esoteric rules. Technically such a power should make its user unbeatable.

 

But Trebla had beaten him.

 

Both Trebla and I approached problems with logic, and a plan. True, he had a battlesuit, but physical strength didn’t seem to be a reliable factor in this fight. Maybe lasers or force fields would make the difference? But I didn’t have any of those available to me right now. Trebla was also human, where I was not, but if Trebla’s solution relied on a human element, then Human.exe should be able to provide that, shouldn’t it? The only other difference between us, perhaps the main difference, was that I was a minion, and he was a Villain.

 

And villains liked to banter. In Trebla’s case, with a script.

 

“I believe it’s about time we wrapped this up niño. It’s been fun, but I have many more evil doers that need my attention today.”

“Fool! I have not even begun to use a random percentage of my true power.”

 

“…Did I hit your head a bit too hard there niño?”

“No, my helmet is really good. I’m referring to the fact that your predictions of winning are based upon false information about my overall combat ability. Even though it looks like you’re winning, you’re actually going to lose because I still have my secret move.”

“¡Ay, caramba! I broke him.”

“You’ve broken me multiple times. But I am not yet defeated due to a hidden reservoir of strength that was yet to be revealed.”

 

I got to my feet, while being careful not to aggravate the wounds Suprex had just given me. My micro units healed the essential stuff, but I left all the superficial ones, making sure to display the injuries prominently. Not all of Suprex’s wounds had healed, and there had to be a reason for that.

 

“Now I will demonstrate my secret move that I spent an entire week working on.”

 

I took a combat stance and approached him.

 

“Secret punch!“

 

I aimed a straight punch at his torso, extending my arm as if to take advantage of my variable range. He moved to block it, but at the last second I flexed the muscles in my arm and my punch curved upwards to hit him full in the face. His head whipped back at the blow.

 

“Secret punch! Secret punch!“

 

My punches were landing! Not at the same level of strength as when I hit vampires, or practiced on concrete, but they were still landing. No impossible turnabouts. No errors. I continued pummeling him, and while some of the punches were deflected, the fight now seemed far more even. In fact, I was starting to push him back.

 

And then he caught my next two punches in his palms, holding my fists in a vice grip. Trying to pull my hands away caused more errors.

 

“It’s not exactly a secret punch if I know it’s coming, now is it? Olé!” Suprex twisted my arms in a circle and yanked, pulling me in with a motion that sent me flipping over his head.

 

“SUPERSECRETSPECIALKICK!” I contorted in midair, bringing the heel of my foot down in a hammer kick. It came down on his shoulder, causing no errors, but sent him sliding across the floor in a way that seemed rather dramatic (and not quite right for the angle). As he came to a stop, he rolled to his feet, favoring his newly injured shoulder.

 

“A good hit,” Suprex admitted, “Seems I’ve been taking you too lightly. I’ll have to pull out all the stops.”

“Does that mean you have a secret move too?”

He grinned, “No tricks pequeño cráneo. Only eleven years of experience in the ring.”

 

Well that hardly seemed fair. Still…

 

“That makes me the underdog, which means you have no hope of winning according to two hundred and twenty-seven separate media sources.”

“Ha! Let’s put that theory to the test, eh greenhorn?”

“Secret punch!“

“Lucha!“

 

I started punching him again, but this time he deflected the majority of the punches, closing in rapidly (I guess the effectiveness does drop if the punch is not a secret), so I tried to surprise him with a “Secret kick!” It almost looked like my roundhouse kick would hit him, but he jumped over it while striking a pose, his power compensating for the inefficiency of it. Trying to follow up with a swipe while he was in the air failed when he slapped the underside of my wrist, sending my arm high. His feet hit the floor and kicked off again.