Book Six, Chapter 70: The Stone Show

After Antoine left me, the large auditorium seating section was filled with NPCs marching in neatly, most of whom were women in their thirties and forties, ready to watch their favorite daytime show. They seemed excited, and they wore clothing and carried signs with Antoine’s name on them.

From my seat, I could actually see the script for the show on the teleprompter machine, and I realized I was fortunate because Antoine wasn’t going to have to film a full episode. It would just be snippets, just enough for a sound bite or two.

I didn’t really have to do anything. I wasn’t On-Screen, but Antoine was, as soon as he came out from behind the curtain at the behest of the live studio announcer, who was in a booth to my left.

He came out with his hands up in a big smile, and all the women cheered. They were absolutely in love with him.

Once the cheering died down, he managed to deliver the first line of his opening monologue:

“Thank you, thank you… You are seen, you are worthy, and you are chemically imbalanced in the cutest possible way.”

Those middle-aged women loved that.

He went on with his monologue, going through a few more jokes, saying,

“Big news from City Hall this week. Mayor Greenbough has officially rejected the Carousel Council on Health’s proposal for a public exercise awareness program. That’s right: no walking clubs, no outdoor yoga, not even a pamphlet with a sad apple on the front.”

He paused for the audience to chuckle.

“When asked why, the Mayor reportedly said, and I quote, ‘I don’t understand why people suddenly need help figuring out how to move their bodies.’”

Another pause, but this one was to build anticipation.

“This from a man who once described putting on his socks as ‘a core workout and a spiritual journey.’”

An image of the mayor flashed on a big screen behind Antoine. He was a rotund fellow.

This got a disturbingly big laugh. For a brief second, Antoine had difficulty keeping a straight face. It wasn’t because he found it funny; it was because everyone else was laughing so ferociously. He looked stunned.

“To be fair, he’s not wrong. I’ve seen that man bend over, and it looks like an exorcism.”

More laughter.

“But hey, the important thing is that he’s getting his steps in, even if it’s just walking back from the bathroom.”

I looked out over the audience, and they found that hilarious. I didn’t know exactly what it meant, but it was clearly related to the theme of the story. There’s no reason that these women would be laughing that hard at mean fat jokes.

There was something eerie about the whole situation, sitting there tucked away Off-Screen. Even Antoine was having trouble focusing in that atmosphere. He glanced over at me and gave me a look like, Are you seeing this?

His monologue went on like that. There were a few more mean jokes mixed in with some that were funny, and almost all of them were related to health in some way.

He went Off-Screen as the NPCs started adjusting. We were jumping forward in his show. One of his guests came out and sat on the couch next to his chair, where he interviewed them.

He wasn’t Off-Screen for long. Just enough for a time skip forward.

“We’re back with my guest, Crystal Dane,” Antoine said, smiling for the camera. “She’s a trauma recovery specialist and the founder of SOMA24, a holistic protocol designed to help the body release what the mind can’t.”

He paused and looked back at her.

“Is that a fair summary of what you do?” he asked.

“That’s a great summary,” she said. “SOMA24 is about taking control of inner turmoil with nothing but grit and determination. Exercise is like a physical manifestation of the emotional labor it takes to break through grief, to smash sadness, and to be your best person all the time. I’m telling you, I am happy all the time, and it’s because of this system.”

Her tone and her insipid overenthusiasm both came together to create an uneasy feeling.

“That sounds revolutionary,” Antoine said, the words catching in his throat.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

The system that she was describing sounded a whole lot like his trope, The Mountain as a Metaphor, which allowed him to mitigate the effects of his trauma through accomplishing physical feats. I could see a fear in his eyes, if only for a second, that this storyline might focus on that.

“I mean, you have a history of trauma and sadness, don’t you?” Crystal asked.

Antoine swallowed hard. “Do I?” he asked. He looked out at the audience. “I think I’m doing pretty well.”

Everyone cheered.

“Well, you cover it up. But I’m talking about your divorce, sweetie. We all know how hard it hit you,” Crystal said.

Antoine did his best to look uncomfortable, but on some level, I felt like he was relieved that she was talking about some fictional trauma of divorce instead of his actual trauma, which would have been really weird and really uncomfortable.

“My divorce was very traumatic. I was in love,” he said soberly. “And I still have a lot of love. I just don’t know what to do with it anymore.”

He gave a shy smile to the audience.

“I can tell you what to do with it,” Crystal said.

“And what’s that?” Antoine asked.

“SOMA24,” Crystal answered. “The only exercise regimen stronger than divorce, stronger than depression, and more resilient than any trauma I have ever seen.”

Antoine was taken aback. He looked at the camera for a moment, and then put his smile back on and went back into character.

“Well, you heard it here, folks,” Antoine said. “Defeat sadness, trauma, and depression with nothing but exercise.”

Was that thinly veiled sarcasm?

“And our proprietary diet regimen and supplements,” Crystal added.

“Yeah, what she said,” Antoine said.

The show went on for a while longer, but most of it wasn’t On-Screen. And finally, none of it was.

The NPCs filed out of the room, except for those who had to hit their marks as background characters for the next scene, which would finally involve me.