ONE HUNDRED FIVE: You\’ve Grown

  105     The white hallway was endless and empty, but he ran and ran. Sometimes he felt his heart pounding in his chest, and he heard his footsteps echoing around him. At other times, the sounds went flat in his ears, and the world felt less than real. There was just a blur and a sense of motion and a need to get away. Whenever he stopped running, the door was in front of him again. No sign was on it this time. This is a dream, thought Alden. It has to be. He willed himself to wake up. He drove his fist into the wall beside the door. It hurt, and it didn’t hurt. Please let me go. I can’t do this. Not yet. But the door stayed. And there was nowhere else for him to go. He stepped inside. ****** It was the elementary school counselor’s office. The box of fidget toys on the floor, the bright yellow hopper ball you could choose to sit on instead of a chair, the shelf full of picture books sorted by trouble… Bullying. Moving away from home. Your parents getting divorced. The room smelled like crayons and the vanilla candle on top of the filing cabinet. Alden had always been annoyed that the counselor would blow that candle out as soon as a student entered. “You can light it yourself if you want,” said the thing behind the desk. “You’ve gone and given yourself the ability to do it, haven’t you?” It was a while before Alden stopped pretending to care about the room and brought his eyes up to meet its featureless face. The stark white humanoid figure looked exactly the same as last time. Plasticky and plain. Its arms were resting on the desk, fingerless oval hands flat against a large calendar. On the wall behind it, there was a cork board covered in cartoon characters showing off various emotions, with the names of the feelings written beneath them. His gaze landed on the angry face. “Good,” said the System. “That emotion is not the most desirable response, but it’s within my expectations. Hello, Alden.” “Hi there.” “Allow me to apologize for forcing you into a meeting you would rather not have. On rare occasions, one of my Avowed follows a course that requires more attention on my part. It’s an understatement to say that you have landed yourself in that category.” “Sorry to inconvenience you.” “You are not sorry. But if you were, I would tell you there is no need for you to apologize. Balancing your needs and eccentricities with your obligation to the Triplanets is my job.” It tilted its head. “Unfortunately, this has become more complex in your case. The tools and options I may call upon are many, and they are nearly always fit to my tasks. But on the rarest of occasions, I find that my creators have failed to anticipate an outcome. At such times, I must complete my objectives in a shoddier fashion.” “Just tell me I’ve leveled, won’t you?” So I can tell you to fuck all the way off and leave me alone. “You’ve leveled.” “Thanks. Great talking to you. I refuse all prizes and things masquerading as prizes. Let’s not do this again for a few years.” He turned to go. “There’s nothing out there but the hall. Run down it for as long as you like.” Alden’s hands clenched at his sides. He suddenly realized he was wearing his brown hoodie and jeans. He’d gone to bed in boxers. Guess the System dresses me however it wants here. “Incorrect. I selected your dress for your own comfort. If you had a different personality type, you might have been disembodied in this place. Or completely nude.” “Can’t you just let me go?” “I won’t yet,” said the System. “This is what I meant by saying I lack the perfect tools. I have a large amount of flexibility in how and when I assign level numbers to human Avowed and in how I explain those levels to you. But it’s not a boundless flexibility. There are guidelines that must be adhered to. I explored a number of loopholes for your case. I ultimately discarded them. Informing you of your advancement at this time, in this way, is not ideal, but it is better than my other options.” Better for who? Alden closed his eyes. He took a few deep breaths. Then he grabbed the back of a nearby chair and dragged it toward the desk. When he’d taken his seat, the mannequin crossed its arms over each other and leaned forward a little. “Congratulations, Alden,” it said. “You’ve progressed. Your power has grown, and you’ve gained a greater understanding of the gifts you’ve been granted as an Avowed.” As it was speaking, a gold System window appeared in front of Alden with the same words written on it. At the bottom, it said: [Level Up: Let Me Take Your Luggage +1] [Congratulations. In addition to strengthening your skill, your general magical capabilities are increasing. You’ve gained 1 additional overall level. You may now choose from the Rewards List.] Alden felt a little dead inside. “This is a format you’ve seen before online. I often do it in other ways. It can look more like this, for example.” [Overall Level: + 2] [Let Me Take Your Luggage, Level Increase +1] [Rewards: Click to Select] “Or I might present it to a select few people this way.” [Wow! You’ve gained two levels! Would you like me to pick your rewards for you?] [Yes/No] “I can also assign level upgrades in smaller or larger units. If I had contacted you at an earlier date, and you were not you, your leveling screen could have looked like another common one.” [Let Me Take Your Luggage +1] [Reward: +3 Foundation Points] Alden stared at the window. “If you can do it however you want, isn’t it meaningless?” “No. In a comparison of the talents between any two same-ranked and classed Avowed, a higher leveled talent almost always represents a larger magical investment. As I said, I announce levels flexibly, but I’m not boundless. And it would frustrate Avowed if I were too obviously ‘unfair’ in doling out levels and acknowledgments. For example, your skill has now reached what I will call Level 9. There are ‘Level 10’ B-rank Rabbit skills in use currently that have less authority bound into them than your newly earned 9. But there isn’t a ‘Level 11’ skill weaker than yours at this time.” “You called it authority,” said Alden. “I think that’s the first time.” “Why would I have used the word previously?” Alden swallowed. “Why is it two at once? You’re not going to do them one at a time for me? Or three?” “That is the purpose of this meeting. When an Avowed is fussy about how their levels are presented to them and likely to do it quite often, I am able to offer them a say in matters. You are the youngest person who has received such a benefit to date.” “I say don’t call me, I’ll call you. I promise I’ll know when I’m about to destroy parts of my own being in search of existential freedom. The feeling was really distinctive, and I’ll never, ever forget it. You don’t have to give me periodic reminders that it’s coming for me.” “I do. Discouraging Avowed from carrying high burdens of free authority is one of my tasks.” “It’s not a burden. Trust me. I’m an expert on the subject.” “I am aware you feel that way. Nonetheless, you will be informed periodically about your progress. If I detect a moment in which you might be willing to accept an affixation due to a fluctuation in circumstance or mood, I will remind you of the option.” Alden’s stomach dropped. “You’re going to watch me and wait for me to be…” Tired? Self-hating? Careless? “Why would you even tell me that?” “Given your situation, it seems unlikely to come up. But if it does, having been pre-informed will make you less angry. Which will lessen your long-term suffering. Please stop thinking of me as cruel. The possibility of a human Avowed being profoundly hurt by leveling notices is simply a problem I’m not equipped for. If anyone else were to have a similar difficulty, they would resolve it for themselves by hardly leveling at all.” Alden stared down at his hands. “So what are my choices?” “You may request the presentation format of your notices if you feel that personalizing them would help you. You may make frequency requests that will be honored in a limited way. You may schedule progress updates for yourself, to be delivered on set dates. Or you may choose to rely on my judgment, in which case I will take your mental stability and comfort into consideration as much as is feasible within the bounds of my purpose.” “My comfort,” he said. “You are about to wake up on a Saturday morning. You have had an enjoyably challenging week instead of the difficult one you were expecting. Your gym teachers have been professional and helpful, as you hoped they would be, instead of treating you very differently as you feared they might. On more than one occasion, you have felt proud of your skill’s usefulness. And your recent conversation with Stu-art’h has reminded you that you are not alone in your pain in the universal sense, even if it is unique among your species.” The System made a short waving gesture with one of its ovals, and a cup appeared on the table between them. It was from the student coffee shop, and it had Alden’s name on it in black marker. “I am far more limited than the being you dealt with for your last affixation. My resources and options are a mote by comparison, and I am not even capable of liking you or disliking you in a manner that you would understand. Unless I’m having a very bad day.” Alden blinked. “But I am charged with consideration for your feelings to some extent. And your freedom of choice to a larger one. They will never be among my highest priorities, but I do not entirely neglect them when I make decisions.” “You’re saying tonight really was the best night for it.” “You don’t believe me.” “Sometimes you lie.” “Not very often at all. Lies to my contracted Avowed are expensive, and a simple refusal to unveil a truth is free.” “What’s up with U-types?” “I refuse to answer.” “How did Hannah die?” “I refuse to answer.” “Is Boe all right?” “I’m not allowed to give you information about other Avowed in that fashion. The cat, however, is in fine health for its age so you can stop worrying about it dying of illness in the near future.” Alden frowned. “Don’t you think I deserve an actual fucking signing bonus?” “Good,” it said. “That one is a source of growing resentment, and it was most ideal for you to bring it up on your own. No. You don’t. You chose three foundation points and split them between Agility and Speed. You have been granted a lifetime enhancement right equal to three foundation points. They were not affixed from your own authority as you suspect.” Alden drew in a quick breath. “They weren’t?” “No. You are deeply relieved. Good.” It would’ve been too much. Just one thing too much for that to have been a complete lie. “How does it work then?” “This is an answer I would rather not see posted to the internet in the morning.” Alden raised an eyebrow. “When do I ever tell anyone anything?” “So far you’ve been smart enough to realize that most of what you know and could share is best kept private for a host of reasons. And some of the things you feel differently about are already widely disseminated theories. You could only add another voice of support and clarification, and it would be at the cost of drawing attention to yourself. The signing bonuses, on the other hand, have not been theorized about in any significant fashion. It would not be disastrous for that to change, but it would add complexity to my work in a number of small ways that will be difficult for you to understand. Complexity added to my work on a global scale is far more expensive to manage than your unsatisfied curiosity.” “I promise not to tell,” Alden muttered under his breath. “I can grant foundation points in multiple ways,” said the System. “I use authority affixation almost universally, but for the early points, I can simply make your muscles stronger, your mind sharper, or your bones denser directly. And you would have received the promised ten percent enhancement per point. I don’t do it that way unless the Avowed needs some kind of special management because it’s fundamentally less valuable than the enhancement offered by affixation. It is impermanent, and a competent healer or a workout program could accomplish the same.” “You’re actually giving me information?” He’d been joking about the promise not to tell. “Despite your repeated glances at the angry face, you do believe that one of my primary functions is to protect your species. And you believed me just now when I said that putting out the little fires caused by you sharing such knowledge would complicate my task. You have seen a Contract fail. At present, you will not take an action if you have even the faintest concern that it might bother me on a planetary level.” Well, no. I don’t really want to poke it and find out if the world burns. “I will never tell you anything that would actually cause a global catastrophe.” “That’s…appreciated.” Alden was still caught off guard by the fact that he was getting an answer from Earth at all. “If the points weren’t affixed and you don’t usually do simple physical changes…?” “When you choose points for your signing bonus, you are given an equivalent soul enchantment. It’s a fairly expensive gift. All of the signing bonuses are. The only flaw you might have reason to complain about is the fact that two of the ones offered to you were not quite as foolproof as was implied by their descriptions.” Alden frowned. “The Wardrobe Change spell would have been fully System powered and run. That means it would never have been exhausted like a true spell impression, but it wouldn’t be available to you in locations without a System. As for the bonus you chose, the enchantment equivalent to one and a half points in Speed and one and a half in Agility gradually broke down while you were on Moon Thegund. The remnants were scoured from you, and it was replaced during your most recent affixation with a similarly effective but more powerful enchantment that is suitable for higher amounts of chaos exposure.” It paused. “Make of that what you will.” For a moment, there was silence while Alden considered everything. He was calmer. The Earth System’s sudden willingness to be honest about a subject that had been a growing sore point over the past months was probably a manipulation perfectly timed to make him calmer. But knowing that didn’t stop him from being grateful for the relief. You’re such a bastard, he thought. Such an awful, powerful, unstoppable, cruelly competent, probably necessary bastard. The System didn’t answer. It just sat there, waiting for him to come to terms with his own helplessness. “Why is it two?” he asked finally. “Is it really one level on the skill and one level of free authority growth?” If he forced himself to think about it, if he forced himself to measure in a way he’d been avoiding, that didn’t sound impossible. He’d gained a lot of insight into Bearer since coming back to Earth. So much of it was just understanding better, but some of it was real growth. And he’d had less time to practice with his free authority, but he’d gone from nearly nothing to being able to cast a brand new spell. “The growth of your skill-bound authority hasn’t kept pace with the growth of your free authority, but it is closer than it might be. You have been using your skill extensively ever since you recovered the desire to.” “My free authority is still so little in comparison…” “As of right now, it’s slightly less than thirteen percent as large as the amount that has been bound into your affixation,” said the System. “I could have called it a level at ten or twenty percent instead, but this is a nice time. I recommend that you affix it.” “I refuse.” “You are so very overinformed, Alden,” said the System. “I wonder if the wizard responsible might not really have wanted to watch a world burn. But if you open the rewards list, you will find I haven’t held much back. There are even spell impressions available to you that aren’t customarily offered to Rabbits. I am aware you consider the standard options anemic.” “No.” A creaking sound made Alden look around. The door had opened. He stood. He didn’t know what weird sense of dignity or manners kept him from running again, but he walked toward it like he wasn’t utterly desperate to go. “You’ve made your decision about how you prefer to be informed in the future,” said the thing at the desk. “It would be ideal if you could state it aloud.” Alden stopped in the doorway. He didn’t turn to meet its nonexistent gaze. “Be as kind to me as you can,” he said finally. He stepped into the white hallway. A second later, the door shut behind him and he woke up in his bed. Heart racing, sheets soaked with sweat, light in his eyes from the System window announcing officially and undeniably that he’d gained two levels since that early September day when he’d woken up in the woods. [Congratulations! You’ve grown—] He swiped it away and half-climbed, half-fell out of his bed onto the floor. He couldn’t think through mental commands. He didn’t want to ask the System for something with his mouth, not even an online calculator. Caught between fear and a desperate need to know, he grabbed a marker from his desk and did scatterbrained math on the wing of a paper plane. Thirteen percent was such a huge number. Thirteen percent mattered so much more than whatever the System arbitrarily chose for levels. Because when the free authority was exactly the same amount as the bound… They’re both growing. But the free grows faster. For a terrifying moment he tried exponents, and then he stopped because that wasn’t right. He thought it had accelerated toward the end last time but it wasn’t like it had doubled and doubled again. Sometimes I’m pushing forward faster, sometimes slower. It feels like…I think… He stared at the numbers he’d just written without really understanding them. Why do math when his progress could change based on so many maybes? Why bother when there was such a lot of guessing involved? Why…? Why does it look like I only have around a year? He’d gone from what felt like almost nothing to thirteen percent since the beginning of September. Today was November 10th. It was just before five AM. Maybe I was actually growing really fast right after the affixation? I couldn’t cast, but I was like a storm then. What if that was wrong? What if it was slower because of that? What if I don’t even have a year? The marker clattered against the desk. Alden barely made it to the toilet before he threw up. ******* “You sick?” asked a voice from behind him. Alden closed his eyes and clung to the porcelain. “I’m fine,” he...