21. Dissociation

I lost.

Finally, after so many years, I got my breakthrough. My Catharsis. And I still lost. I actually had hope for a bit there, you know? For a moment there, we were winning. But then Melpomene showed up, and…

We couldn’t do a damn thing.

We couldn’t do anything. She deflected our Catharsis without even speaking a single spell. How is power like that even possible?

We’re doing something wrong. We have to be. There’s no way that all there is to it is just ‘feeling more strongly.’ How are we supposed to feel more than what we felt today?

I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it. I’m completely drained. Empty. I don’t think I could be afraid of anything if I tried.

I guess that’s a Catharsis for you.

“Minerva?” a nearby voice asks. Aurora. “Hey, Minerva, try to stay awake, okay? We’re almost back to base.”

Right. Because I apparently needed to add to my shame, Veritas and Aurora are carrying their defeated elders back in their arms. I’ve barely even been registering the movements as they jump from rooftop to rooftop; even after all her healing, I can hardly move. My incarnate form is completely spent. I’m only barely managing to maintain the transformation at all.

The stars in the sky indicate we’ve passed back onto Earth, the occasional flash from the streetlights confirming it. Soon enough, the four of us drop into a familiar alleyway, heading through the wall and ending up somewhere pristinely white. The moment we make the transition, though, Aurora gasps in shock.

With great effort, I manage to turn my head in the direction she’s facing. Though most of the portal room is untouched, the door to the rest of the base is a twisted mess of blackened material, still slightly smoldering. Rather than the rest of the base, the other side of the door leads only to a mess of shattered caverns, debris from what looks like a thorough bombing run scattered everywhere.

An image flashes through my mind, the great beam of light descending from heaven, cutting through my clouds, and driving Amaterasu through a newly bored hole in the ground. That overwhelming power, that horror I felt as I realized my attempt to time my attack while my enemy was distracted may have caused a girl to die. Another one, by my hands. To a power so overwhelming I could never hope to catch up.

Power, power, power. It always comes back to power! Why can’t I ever find enough!?

“Holy crap,” Veritas swears, jolting me out of my thoughts. Right, right, focus on the present. What happened? Is everyone okay? Is Uma’tama…

“Uma’tama!” I croak. “Uma’tama, are you here?”

Panic rushing through me, at least as much as I can manage in such an emotionally mangled state, I somehow send off a communication ping to try and find them. It hurts, my soul protesting on a deep level against the abuse. Thankfully, a familiar pop of joy heralds their safe arrival.

“Minerva!” Uma’tama gasps, appearing before us. “Everyone! Thank goodness you’re alright! We feared the worst when the base fell under attack. We couldn’t get in contact with any of you! We’ve been lobbying for backup, but… oh, it doesn’t matter. We’re so glad you’re safe.”

Uma’tama actually flies down and wraps their little paws around my shoulder in a quick hug. They do the same to Veritas and Aurora, though since Susan is asleep they don’t disturb her.

“What happened?” I croak.

“Two members of the Corrupted entered the base by using other Earth Guardians as hostages,” Uma’tama says. “They used the fact that all of you were away to take Anath and destroy our base. The damage is… extensive. It shouldn’t take us too long to repair everything, of course, but we are far more worried about the message this sends.”

“We aren’t safe here,” I manage. “They want us to know that they can get us anywhere.”

“Possibly,” Uma’tama nods. “Though considering that this attack came immediately after our acquisition of Anath, we think it is more likely to be a generalized threat. A warning to not attempt to take one of them again.”

“Same thing,” I mumble. Gosh, this really hurts.

“But enough of what happened here,” Uma’tama insists. “This damage is all material. Inconsequential. What happened with all of you? Are you alright? You feel dangerously burnt out, Minerva.”

“She used a Catharsis!” Aurora chimes in. “It was awesome! I’ve never seen a spell that huge before!”

“A Catharsis!?” Uma’tama gapes. “Minerva, that’s incredible, but you need to exit your incarnate form immediately!”

“No,” I grunt.

“Minerva, please!”

“I don’t…” I start, grimacing and glancing towards my team.

“You don’t what?” Veritas suddenly snaps. “Why don’t you want to show us who you are? Aurora and I know each other’s secret identities. Don’t you trust us?”

“Um, I don’t think it has to do with us,” Aurora defends me, bless her heart.

“Well, what is it then!?” Veritas insists. “We’ve been a team for ages now, and I barely know anything about you! You never talk to us unless it’s about missions or training. You never let us see you outside your incarnate form, but you’re barely even around in that! Do you just not like us or something!?

“What!?” I say, startled. “Of course I like you! I care a lot about both of you!”

“Yeah? What’s my favorite animal? What shows do I like? What foods do I like? Who’s my favorite Power Ranger!?”

“Uh…”

“Aurora knows all of that! Uma’tama knows all of that! But you don’t know anything about me. You never talk to me. Not unless you want to tell me I’m not any good at stabbing things.”

“Veritas, I…”

“Who the heck are you, Minerva!?”

It’s a good fucking question, isn’t it? Who the heck are we?

What? I mean, we’re Eliza. Right?

Are we? Are we really? Because I certainly wake up every day with everyone I know calling me Eliza, but I know my real name. No backing off from this halfway, yeah? You are Minerva, and I’m Fulgora. That’s how this works. That’s the only thing that makes sense.

I… I guess so, yeah. Yeah. You don’t have to say it. I see where you’re going with this.

No, I want to hear you admit it. Enough is enough. We’re both thinking it, so quit running like a coward.

But I am a… no. Don’t give me that, you can’t blame this on me. You didn’t want to think about it either. We’ll say it together.

Fine.

There are two of us here.

We know who we are.

But if I’m Minerva, and you’re Fulgora…

…then where the hell is Eliza?

“Could you put me down please, Aurora?” I ask.

“O-Oh, sure, yeah,” she agrees, easing me into a sitting position on the ground. Once I’m stable, I drop my incarnate form, light enveloping me and letting me grow back to my human body’s proportions. I’m still wearing the outfit I showed up to Chloe’s house in. I still have my gun in its holster. Something about that relaxes me a little, even in this weak body that doesn’t feel like my own.

Yeah. That’s the thing, isn’t it? This doesn’t feel like my body. It hasn’t for a long time, has it? My human form is all muscle and bone, hairy in all sorts of uncomfortable places. Everything is so awkward, huge, and frail. It’s… wrong.

“You… you’re old!” Veritas accuses. “Oh my gosh, is that why you’re so lame!?”

“Wh—huh!?” I manage, staring at her.

“Veritas!” Aurora says accusingly. “Don’t be mean! Besides, she’s Fulgora! I thought you said Fulgora was cool!”

Ha! Suck it!

No! Betrayed by my own team!

“What!?” Veritas exclaims. “There’s no way she’s Fulgora! Fulgora is a red mage, not a… brown… mage. And, um, they’re two separate people… who I’ve never seen in the same room together… huh.”

Here, let me take control! I’m clearly better with kids!

But I am a kid! Kind of! Maybe?

We’re adults! Or we’re an adult, singular. Or at least we’re supposed to be!

We are, at best, barely an adult. Now would you stop talking all the time!? It’s really distracting! You never did this before!

I mean I assumed all of your thoughts were also my thoughts because I thought you didn’t exist. Same for you, right? You hardly ever chimed in when we were Fulgora. But now I know you aren’t me, and it’s like woah! All those dumb coward thoughts were actually some other bitch! What a relief!

You—gah! You really want to go there!? You pig-headed, thoughtless—

“…Minerva?” Uma’tama says, gently touching my shoulder.

“Huh!?” I jolt.

“Veritas asked you a question.”

“O-oh,” I blurt. “Sorry, I’m really not, um, feeling my best right now. What did you…?”

Veritas scowls at me, then takes a deep breath and sighs.

“…Never mind,” she grumbles, turning and walking off towards the teleporter.

“W-what? Veritas—”

“I said never mind!” she snaps. “Just leave me alone!”

“Wait!” I shout, and she stops. She doesn’t look back at me, though. “I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a bad leader. I’m doing my best, but… you shouldn’t be stuck with someone like me.”

Veritas clenches her fists and glowers at me over her shoulder.

“…You’re an idiot,” she says, and then steps back on the platform to Earth, vanishing.

Nice going.

Oh, shut the heck up. If you know what I was supposed to say there, feel free to tell me.

…

That’s what I thought.

I knew we weren’t cut out for leading a team. I knew that. But you accepted. You made this commitment. I was against it from the start. I reserve every right to rub your face in how much we suck at it.

You… we… I didn’t have a choice! I DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE! Should I have left them to fend for themselves? To have no mentor at all? Castalia is gone! Everyone else is DEAD! How many times have we… no, how many times have I saved their lives since this started? Huh? I’m trying! I’m freaking trying!

And look where it’s gotten me! I’m literally insane now! I’m arguing with myself inside my own fucking head with someone who didn’t even EXIST until I made that stupid, STUPID decision! I shouldn’t be on a team. I shouldn’t be on a team! Yes, of COURSE they’d be better off without me, what the hell am I even saying? I know myself. I know who I am! I can’t be a leader! I can’t!

But I have to!

But I can’t!

But I have to!

BUT I CAN’T! I’m a failure! A coward! A weakling! Do you remember how much it hurt to say yes? To lie to Uma’tama’s face and tell them that I could do it? That I could help them? After everyone I’ve failed!?

Of course I remember! But we didn’t have a choice! We didn’t! I won’t let people die because of me, and that’s exactly what refusing to lead them would have done!

It’s what agreeing to lead them will do! And clearly, refusing to have the decency to remember that is what drove us insane, because there was certainly no Minerva living in my head until you said yes and DOOMED THOSE KIDS! Did you forget!? Did you forget how we ran and left our team to die!? You must have, because you even have the fucking audacity to use green magic again. Coward! Pathetic coward!

SHUT UP! F-frick you! I’m tired of this! You want to call me a coward while you scream and whine and blame all your problems on me? Fine! You deal with them then! I’m done! I’m done doing anything anymore! You handle our mess if you’re so much freaking better at it!

You think I’m fucking finished with you, Minerva!? I’ve got… ugh. Oh, god. The ache feels different all of a sudden. My body is too small instead of too big, just as uncomfortable but in all the wrong ways. I’m so thin, so slow, so heavy. The world feels duller than it should, emptier, quieter. I just fought nearly to the death with a storm conjured from nothing but my will. I shouldn’t be this weak. Why does this all feel so wrong!?

“Eliza,” Uma’tama says loudly. I gasp, jolting with tension. When did she hover so close?

“What? Wh…?” I manage, looking around. Still in the teleporter room. Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?

“Eliza, you need some rest,” Uma’tama says firmly. “We’re putting you on mandatory leave. For real this time.”

“What?” I ask. “But… but there’s no one…”

“If an emergency happens, we’ll call Castalia,” Uma’tama answers, and my heart drops into my stomach. “She’s already given her blessing.”

“I… no,” I insist. “You can’t do that.”

“Eliza, please, this isn’t a punishment,” Uma’tama insists sadly. “We admit that we are… not the best at understanding what you need. What any of you need. But you need something, and the most valuable thing we can offer is time. Rest, Eliza. Please.”

“I… I can’t,” I say. “Uma, they destroyed us. I have to get stronger. I have to find a way to beat them!”

For the second time today, Uma’tama wraps me up in a hug. It’s warm.

“You will,” they say firmly. “You will, Eliza. We believe in you, and we are so, so proud of you. But for now, rest. Please.”

Fuck, now I’m crying. Damn it. I give Uma’s little body a hug back. They’re so soft.

“I thought I told you to call me Fulgora when we’re in the base,” I mumble.

“…Of course,” they agree softly. “Go take a break, Fulgora. Aurora, will you help me with Su-san?”

“I…! I’m not really sure what else I can do,” Aurora squeaks. “She should be okay, I think, but she needs rest, too.”

“She does, yes,” Uma’tama nods. “But unfortunately the beds here have been destroyed. Would it be possible for her to stay with your family for the time being?”

“Oh! Um, yes! Probably!” Aurora nods vigorously. “I mean, I’ll have to ask my mom and dad, but… yeah, I’m sure they’ll be willing to help. She can take my big sister’s bed or something. I’ll take her home now!”

“Thank you, dear,” Uma’tama nods. “And… you should probably head home too, alright Fulgora? Are you able to walk?”

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“I… yeah,” I insist, not actually knowing the answer. Shakily, I rise to my feet. Okay. So I can walk. That’s good. Minerva’s mangled, patch-healed body aches with every step, but as always my human form isn’t actually injured. I can take it. “I guess… I’ll see you later?”

“Of course,” Uma’tama assures me. “And feel free to call me up and chat any time you like.”

I nod vacantly, barely hearing what they said.

“I’ll… yeah. Okay.”

Walking out of what little is left of our base, I stare up at the stars, wondering what time it is. It slips away a bit in the liminal space, especially when I get my ass kicked hard enough to end up barely conscious. Is it ten? Twelve? One in the morning? I could just check my phone, but I don’t have the energy. I guess… I should just head home?

The walk is oddly tiring. When was the last time I ate? Oh yeah. Chloe’s house. That was… nice. I’m kind of in a bad part of town, aren’t I? I should probably pay more attention to where I’m going. God, I’m so tired.

Now imagine feeling like that while getting constantly yelled at by a voice in your head.

Oh. Hey, Minerva.

Hi.

Can we not do this? I want to go back to not thinking about it. Just for a while.

Okay.

I hate this. This only happens to people that are crazy, doesn’t it? But I finally got my Catharsis out of it. Still, Uma’tama might bench me for longer if they find out. Like, this isn’t normal, right? This is bad. Really bad. I’m literally talking to myself.

You said you weren’t going to think about it.

Right. Yeah. Of course. I’ll just think about… something else.

I flinch as a scream suddenly rings out through the night, the bump of adrenaline starting up the grinding gears of my body that had been desperately attempting to shut down. Well. That’s something else to think about. A monster attack? Here? Some monsters do manage to hide on Earth for a while and pick people off. I run towards the sound, ignoring my protesting body as best I can. I haven’t felt this weak in years.

“—said quiet!” a man shouts, and I turn around the alleyway to spot a human holding a gun to another human’s head. What? Oh. Right, I mean, obviously that’s the situation. I was just thinking about that, wasn’t I?

“Shit!” he hisses when I step into view, and immediately he turns to aim the gun at me. That’s good. Now the woman can… oh. She’s not moving. Plus I’m in human form, so I could actually die here.

…

I’m… in human form. So I could actually die here. Huh. I thought I’d care more about that than I do.

“The fuck are you looking at!?” the man snaps. “Are you high or something? Get out of here before I blow your brains out!”

He’s wearing a big sock over his head. One of the robber socks. Balaclavas? Man, this is so… generic. I’ve stopped a few robberies before, of course. It’s not common, but there’s a good chunk of crime here so it happens. Stopping a mugging isn’t really intervening in local politics, so Uma’tama doesn’t mind.

I start to walk towards him. Why not? I’m not a coward, that’s just the stupid voice in my head. He waves the gun in my direction and I raise one hand, tracking the aim of the barrel. I’m not really sure why. What do I expect to do, catch a bullet?

“Shit!” the man swears as I step towards him, and a shot rings out. I guess that was kind of stupid of me, huh? I’m used to loud noises exploding next to my ears, of course, so I don’t flinch. An intense pain blooms in my palm, and I stop to look at it. The bullet is there, lodged right in the middle between two metacarpals, blood weeping from the wound.

“Huh, look at that,” I say idly. “I did catch it.”

What is the matter with you!? Pay attention!

The next shot hits me in the shoulder.

“Ow,” I say.

Freaking punch him or something!!!

A shot of fear suddenly floods me, and I move on instinct, ducking the next shot and ramming my fist into the man’s chest with my injured hand. I feel his ribs shatter under the hit and he crumples, dropping the gun. Shit. I might have caused a bone to pierce his lungs. I’ve never really fought a baseline human before.

“I guess I should call an ambulance?” I mutter to myself.

Check on the woman!

Oh! Right. Her. I look up and see her already dialing nine one one. Okay. Cool.

“You good?” I ask her.

Get the gun, dummy!

I’m doing it, I’m doing it. I lean down and quickly unchamber the round in his dinky little pistol. Now I own two guns. Neat.