58. Beautiful Little Weapon (Redux)

The chains are cold. My soul is cold.

Where am I? I can’t remember… anything. Anything at all. It’s just… cold.

Initialization start.

My primary hardware checks return partial functionality. Check pass.

My secondary hardware checks return no functionality. Check fail.

My tertiary hardware checks return no functionality. Check fail.

My soul link is stable. Damage level: minimal. Pass.

My spell core is offline. Damage level: severe. Fail.

My memory core is awaiting activation. Damage level: minimal. Pass.

My bioemulator is awaiting activation. Damage level: moderate. Pass.

My proprioception systems return null. Check fail.

The Cage of Returning Pain, Initial Finalization boot routine failure. Running in recovery mode.

Isolating memory core. Activating memory core.

Isolating bioemulator. Activating bioemulator.

What’s… happening? Something is wrong. I can tell something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is. Pass? Fail? What’s going on? Where am I?

Entering sleep mode. Accessing memory core…

“No child of mine will think that way. It’s not right.”

“Mom, let me—”

“Not in my household.”

What…? What is…?

“The doctor will help you.”

What’s going on?

“The clinical name for it is autogynephilia. I’ve treated boys with the issue in the past; there’s no need to worry.”

Stop. Stop it. Stop! What is this? I don’t want to see this. It hurts. It hurts!

My power reserves have increased to 1%. Self-repair functions initiated.

It hurts, and I want to fix it.

– – –

“Minerva?” I cry out again into the darkness. “Minerva!?”

The Dark World, as before, has no answer. I stare at my hands, the traitorous things having only moments ago been drenched in her blood as it poured from the wound on our chest, but now even that has vanished along with the rest of her, leaving only silence. Nothingness.

Emptiness.

“Minerva?”

She doesn’t answer. Not from outside my head and not even from within it. My thoughts have never felt so… absent. The person who had all the best ones isn’t here anymore. I got her killed. I told her to chase after Melpomene. I said it was a fight she could win.

Again, I got my team killed. Not Aurora or Veritas, though for all I know the both of them are dead as well, but an even more important member of my team. A member I berated and hated. A member I spent so long wishing never existed. But she never resented me for it. She was more than a teammate, really. She was a partner. The better side of me. The one who fixed everything I fucked up. The one who got us moving forward again when we stalled.

And now she’s gone. Now she’s just me, and I’m nothing but a pathetic failure.

A shuffling sound catches my attention from out in the darkness. Movement? A monster, probably. I’ve been hearing them moving about through the mist. My instincts scream at me to get up, to transform… but the very idea of it is laughable. I’d need to be angry for that, but I just feel… nothing.

Empty. There’s a gaping hole in my soul, and anything I might want to feel just pours out of it like a shattered cup. Only despair clings to the fragments, the sticky feeling clinging onto the remains of my broken self in defiance of gravity.

That’s a bad sign. I know that’s a bad sign. But I do not, cannot, care. I make no move to defend myself as the monster plods closer, only coming into view when it is mere inches from my face. It’s one of the wolf-like beasts, the kind I’ve killed in the tens of thousands, maybe more. Crystals jut at awkward angles from all over its body, forcing open its lips so a permanent trail of saliva leaks from its mouth.

I expect it to charge, expect it to bite, but it doesn’t. It leans over and sniffs my face. My hair. My shoulders. And then… it just wanders off like I’m not even here. Like there’s nothing for it to eat.

Ha. Hahaha. Even the Dark World knows I’m worthless. I don’t know what I expected.

– – –

[MeanBeanMachine]: Hey. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. You’re my only friend, you’re the only one that has really ever cared about me, and I know this is going to hurt you, but that’s the only reason I have left. And it. It’s not enough, Luna. I am so, so, so, so sorry. It’s not you. I promise it’s not you. Please just forget about me, okay? You’re a good person. You’ll find someone else. Goodbye.

[LunaLightOTK]: Bean!? BEAN!? Hey, wait! Wait wait wait, please! Please say something, please! We can talk about this. You don’t have to do this!

[MeanBeanMachine]: I want to do this.

What is this? I can’t remember, or… maybe I am remembering? I want to cry. I want to scream.

My power generation rate improves, and the energy is routed to recovery. Spell core reactivation estimate: 64.36 days.

[LunaLightOTK]: No you don’t! You’re scared. I know you’re scared. You know I’ve been there.

[MeanBeanMachine]: I know. But things aren’t going to get better. My dad won’t stop, and I just. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I CAN’T.

[LunaLightOTK]: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could stop him. I wish I could kill him. But please, please don’t kill yourself. Please. I don’t care if it’s selfish. I can’t lose you.

[MeanBeanMachine]: I don’t want to be a woman anymore.

[LunaLightOTK]: Okay.

I’m sorry. I don’t remember why, but I’m sorry.

– – –

How long have I been here…? Shouldn’t I have starved by now? Shouldn’t I need water? I’ve fallen asleep at least ten times, but no matter how much I wish for it, I can’t sleep forever. Minerva, where are you?

Wandering around the Dark World is pointless. The mist is so thick in this fragment that if I stand up straight I can’t even see my feet. I haven’t died, though, so I’ve been wandering regardless. The only thing that makes me more restless than my own continued existence is having to stay still.

I’m itchy. I’m sweaty. I need to shower. How have I sweat so much without any water? Am I going crazy? Have I really only been in here for a few days?

I trip and stumble, the dirt I’ve been trodding on abruptly turning to rubble. Seeing no reason not to, I ignore my bleeding knee and start crawling over it on my hands and feet, as everything is too dark for me to handle treacherous terrain with only my legs. Sharp rocks dig into my palms, but it doesn’t really matter, and I don’t really care. Pain, at least, is one thing I’ve always been good at handling. Physical pain, anyway.

The pain of loss, not so much. The pain of knowing it was all my fault, even less so.

“You’re still alive.”

I freeze. That voice…! My long-lost anger starts to bubble up inside me again. Her murderer! Her murderer!

“Melpomene!” I shout. “You fucking monster! Show yourself!”

“Alright,” Melpomene agrees, and suddenly she’s right in front of me, staring down with a blank expression. Even outside of her incarnate form, she’s a very tall woman. And outside my incarnate form, I… what?

What can I do? Even if I could stay angry enough to transform, what good would it do? I can’t stop her. I can’t hurt her. I’m weak. I’m useless without Minerva. I can’t do a single damn thing to her killer.

…But maybe I could get her to kill me, too.

“Fuck you!” I hiss, at a loss for what exactly to say despite my pathetic attempt at a ‘plan.’ I punch her in the stomach, but it doesn’t seem to do anything but hurt my hand.

“Maybe later,” Melpomene says dryly. “If you haven’t died yet, you’re going to be here a while.”

I just respond with a wordless scream, trying desperately to find some way to hurt her. Her skin is too tough, so… the eyes! I claw at her face, but she just leans back and sticks out one foot. I tumble to the ground, more embarrassed than hurt. Pathetic. Pathetic!

“Aaaagh!” I shriek, coming at her again, summoning my incarnate weapon and swinging it at her head. She dodges back into the mist and I pursue, swinging and screaming with all my might.

“Well, look at you,” Melpomene hums. “Congratulations on summoning your weapon without your stone for the first time.”

“Shut up!” I roar, though once again my fury disturbs nothing but the air. Melpomene herself is unmoved. So far above me that I can’t even comprehend it. Even Castalia couldn’t beat her, so why did I ever think that I could? That… she could. Of course it was doomed to failure. Minerva was held back by me. And now she’s dead. She’s dead…!

“Even I can see when I’m not wanted,” Melpomene quips. “I suppose I’ll leave you for now. Goodbye, Fulgora.”

“I’m going to fucking kill you!” I shout after her, though she’s long vanished into the mist.

“Come now, dear,” Melpomene sighs. “We both know that’s not true.”

I swing at everything and nothing until my staff disappears in my hands. It’s only afterward that I register the fact that I had it at all, despite still being in my human form. Did I really not use my stone to summon it…? I still have my stone, I think. She never took it from me. Why didn’t she take it from me…?

I fish the transformation stone up from its chain, pulling it out from under my shirt and into view. It’s…

Red.

It’s not brown anymore. It’s red. It’s red it’s red it’s red it’s red it’s red!

Screaming again, I throw it as hard as I can into the darkness before collapsing to the ground and starting to sob.

– – –

Sensorium repairs completed. Handshaking… success. Sensorium online. Power reserves below three percent. Activating in passive mode.

“—shouldn’t be on Earth in the first place!”

“Guardian Aurora confirmed the existence of an active human soul. You cannot take her.”

“I must concur. It is clearly a much larger violation of protocol to take a human to our home universe than it is to leave an artifact in this one.”

“Your judgment is compromised, Tama. That any of this happened in the first place, in your area of operation, is proof of that.”

“We have always acted in accordance with the laws of our position.”

“And yet, your inactive Earth Guardian is here, in an exclusive zone that—”

“Castalia is the only reason things did not escalate further! You know very well she was granted official exemption. Your objections are groundless.”

“No human should be part of this discussion, Tama.”

“Then send me elsewhere by force, because that is the only way you will remove me.”

“…Castalia dear—”

“Guardian Castalia!”

“This artifact is still active. We do not know its true nature. I am the only one capable of subduing it. I will remain. Any other choice would be absurd.”

“…You can’t keep staying here all day, every day. It’s been nearly two weeks, Castalia. Go home. See your friends.”

“My home is still under construction. It was destroyed in the fight.”

“Oh. Right. We’re sorry, it slipped our mind. But… it will likely be a long time before this gets resolved. Please take some time to yourself.”

“No. I will stay.”

Threat analysis acceptable. Deactivating passive mode. Returning to sleep mode.

Casta…lia…

– – –

I can’t count the days here. I can only count the number of times my body has forcibly fallen unconscious, my wanderings halted by drowsiness causing me to stumble and subsequently find the broken ground beneath me more comfortable than the softest bed. I do my best to never sleep, though, since whenever I sleep I start to dream.

Most of the time, it’s of her. Sometimes I am her, looking down at the lance in my chest. Sometimes I’m not her, looking from the outside as she’s run through, screaming silently to no avail. Sometimes I’m running her through myself, tears streaming down my face as I stab her over and over. The longer I stay here, the more I have that dream over the other two. That probably means something. I bet Minerva would have some idea what.

Those aren’t the only dreams, though. Sometimes, I dream of the dark. Of the swirling black mists. It feels like they’re moving from something other than the wind, the currents shifting to lead me… somewhere. I’ve been staying away from wherever that is so far. Just wandering randomly is fine by me. Whatever the mist wants to show me, I don’t want to see it.

I don’t want to see anything anymore. I just want it all to be over. I’m so exhausted. I’m just so exhausted.

Finally, I make my way to where another pack of monsters is nesting. I’ve been hearing them—and smelling them, a bit—and they’re just what I need. I’m not really sure what type of monster they are, and I don’t really care. They have a nest here, not that I can really see what it looks like. I trudge into the middle of it, a few of them stirring but not really caring. At least not until I find the closest one and punch it as hard as I can in the face.

The monster yips with surprise, my fist shattering some of the fragile bone one of its crystals had started growing into. Yet the damn thing doesn’t fight back, it just gets up and runs, most of its pack following suit. Cowards!

“Cowards!” I roar out loud, my voice coming out scratchy and raw. My throat still hurts from how much I’ve been screaming, and it has never really recovered. I want to drink water. I want to eat something. I’m always feeling hungry and thirsty, even if I don’t actually seem to need to eat and drink anymore.

In spite of the pain, I let out a wordless roar of frustration, picking up a rock and throwing it in the direction the monsters fled to. Yet I never hear my stone hit the ground. Instead, there’s just a soft pap of someone catching it.

“Whether you intended victory or suicide, you’re not going to see much success that way,” Melpomene’s damn voice rings out. Her again. Her again!

I scream once more and rush toward her, swinging my fists at nothing but mist.

“Like a little maddened beast, aren’t you? Take care you don’t completely lose your mind. You’ll be quite useless to me if you do.”

“What do you want!?” I growl at her.

“To talk, darling. That is why I am speaking. I should hope that is not too difficult to understand…?”

“I have nothing to say to you!” I snap, sending out a couple more wild punches at nothing.

“Really? You seem to have quite a bit to say. Such as ‘rawr,’ and ‘grr’ and the like.”

“Shut up!” I demand.

“No,” Melpomene says bluntly. “I have no need or reason to listen to you. But you ought to listen to me, don’t you think? I’m the only one who can get you out of this place.”

“I don’t care!” I snap. “I’m not listening to you. I’m not doing anything for you! Ever!”

“Oh, but you already are, darling. Just being here at all is a great help to me. Surely you’ve wondered why the monsters in this fragment aren’t attacking you?”

“Nope,” I lie.

“Well, I’ll tell you anyway,” Melpomene says, infuriatingly cheerful. “The Dark World wants you here. All that delectable despair wafting off of you is a better feast than a hundred normal humans. Better than a thousand, even! The Dark World is nurturing you. It’s using you to finally begin to heal.”

What…? No. No no no no no. The Dark World is ‘healing?’ I don’t know what that means, but it can’t be good, right?

“There’s a bit of that fear you lost,” Melpomene coos. “I’ll come back later, darling. Perhaps you’ll be willing to listen to me then.”

“Wait—!” I try, but there’s no answer. She’s already gone.

The mists swirl around me, protecting me, feeding me like a farmer would their livestock. I start to panic, the feeling so painfully, horribly familiar, but even now my mind remains silent in her absence. This is bad. This is bad, bad, bad…!

I try to calm down, but to no avail. Every desperate breath sucks in yet more darkness.

– – –

I’ve given up convincing my parents or anyone else. I’m doing what I need to do regardless. I managed to time the delivery to when I knew I would be home alone. I worked a shitty part-time job that I hate to earn the money to ship them in from out of the country. But now that I have the medication it’s… terrifying.

What if I got scammed? What if I’m about to be poisoned? What if I take the wrong dose? What if my mom finds it the next time she searches my room? What if it doesn’t work? What if I just end up hideous, hated, and as miserable as when I started?

It should be exciting, but all I can feel is dread. Yet, I know what I have to do. I open the box, and—

Priority targets detected. Power reserves below three percent. Activating in passive mode.

“—weird, isn’t it? It’s like we just have an entire room to feel sad in now.”

“We’re not supposed to be in this room, Veritas.”

“I’ve passed by a million times while the door was open. Nothing ever happens. Castalia even sleeps in here sometimes! We’ll be fine.”

“I thought… doesn’t Castalia need that machine to sleep?”

“Oh. Huh. Yeah, I think she does. I could have sworn she was napping, but I guess she must not have been. I’m just so used to seeing her in incarnate form, you know?”

“We should probably be in incarnate form ourselves. You know, just in case.”

“You’re such a scaredy-cat sometimes, Aurora. It’s fine. It’s just some broken robot. Come on!”

“She’s a robot. The robot is a girl!”

“Minerva always called it an it.”

“I… Veritas.”

“…Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s okay. I just mean, um. Well, you know. The robot had boobies.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s true. It did have boobies.”

“And she just feels like a girl, I guess? I don’t know. Maybe the robot is a boy with boobies, but she’s not an it.”

“I think you’re being weird about this. Let’s just go in already, come on!”

Targets approaching. Preparing emergency responses. Go away go away go away please go away!

“…Wait.”

“What? What now? Come on, it’s fine.”

“No, I’m serious. Stop.”

“You stop being such a—ow! Hey, let go!”

“Veritas, stop. She’s awake.”

“Awake? Aurora, it’s just mangled scrap.”

“No. No, this is… we have to go. We have to get Castalia right now!”

“Wait, but—ack! Okay, okay!”

Priority targets moving out of range. Returning to sleep mode.

Thank god.

– – –

Empty. Alone. Empty. Alone.

It has to have been at least a month. I’ve fallen asleep… I’ve fallen asleep… one, two, three, four, five… ten? Twenty? I can’t remember. At least a month. It has to have been at least a month. Maybe two m-months. Maybe… I don’t know. I don’t know.

Minerva, could you help me keep the time?

I cry as I walk, fingernails scratching the sides of my neck. The itch is getting worse. I’m not thinking about it. I’m stupid, but I’m not that stupid. I know what’s happening, but I’m not thinking about it. I’m not thinking about the tiny specks of teal I’ve had to tear from my skin. I’m not I’m not I’m not.

“Your clothes are little more than shreds, darling. What happened?”

“Aaa!” I scream, and for once it’s not in rage, but in shock. I haven’t… it’s been so long.

“I’m not here to hurt you. Though I suppose that’s not what you’re worried about, is it?”

“Mel…pomene,” I breathe, my throat drier than ever before.

“That’s my name, darling,” the monster that helped me kill Minerva confirms.

“What are you… doing here?” I ask.

“Checking in on you. What else?”

That. Makes no sense. Checking in on me…? Aren’t I already giving her everything she wants? The Dark World is bleeding me dry and keeping me moving without blood. I’m empty. I’m nothing. There’s nothing for her to check on.

“Leave me alone,” I manage.

“Very well, then,” she says, and an unexpected jolt of fear passes through me. Alone again. But that’s what I deserve, and it’s not as though company from her would be worth anything in the first place.

It’s better if it’s just me and the dark.

It’s better.

It’s better this way.

I walk, and I walk, and I walk.

– – –

“Confirmed. That’s measurable growth. The metal is… healing like flesh.”

“Not quite like flesh. Humans can’t recover lost limbs.”

“What? Really? Why not?”

“I have no idea. We believe it is an evolutionary dysfunction. Or perhaps a nocebo effect?”

“But where would humans have gotten the idea that they can’t regrow limbs in the first place?”

“Excuse me. I am right here.”

“Er, yes? We know? Is something the matter, Castalia?”

“…No. Never mind.”

– – –

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My fingernails catch and scrape on crystal as I scratch my neck. There’s more of it, beneath the skin. I can feel it. I can feel a lot of things. I don’t want to look. I don’t want to look.

What does it matter if I do, though? What does anything I do matter? A monster is all I deserve to be regardless. No, it’s what I’ve always been. I’ve never done anything but get people killed.

“I got you something.”

Huh?

“What?” I choke out.

“Catch.”

I make no move as something comes flying out of the mist toward my head, but it hits me with little more than a soft plop. Fabric. Clothes?

“A girl should look her best, even in the dark,” Melpomene says. “And more importantly, you’re wearing little more than sweaty tatters at this point.”

I want to tell her to fuck off, but the words don’t come. The mists curl around my hands and the clean clothing that fell into them.

“I haven’t… sweat in a while,” I say, not really sure why I wanted to mention it.

“No? Those should be even easier to keep clean, then,” Melpomene responds nonchalantly.

“I don’t… want this,” I insist, or try to, but my voice sounds more petulant than defiant.

“Put them on,” Melpomene orders, “and I have some water for you, too.”

W-water? Everything is dry, everything is itchy, I’m so thirsty, so hungry but so thirsty and I… I…

“I don’t… deserve it…” I choke out.

“Hmm. Well, if you prefer to just continue suffering, darling, I’m sure the Dark World would appreciate it.”

I… but it… I don’t want to… but I deserve to… no. Yes. No. Aaagh.

Minerva would know what to do. But I killed her. I killed her and now I…!

“Put the clothes on, darling,” Melpomene orders, softly but firmly.

My hands go to my shredded shirt all on their own, grasping the front of it. I pause, but only for a moment, and then tug myself free of what remains of my outfit. I feel like I’m drowning in sand, everything I could try to hold slipping between my fingers. I’ve done nothing but wander aimlessly for… for how long…? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I just need something, anything to hold onto. Water.

It only occurs to me after the fact that I’ve stripped naked in front of my worst enemy, but the thought barely registers as I get dressed once again. The clean cloth does feel nice on my skin, but it can’t do anything about the itch.

“That’s a good girl,” Melpomene coos like I’m a child, but I only have a moment to be angry before something flies at my head again. This time, I catch it. It’s… a water bottle. Water!!! I tear off the cap, immediately moving to upturn the contents directly into my throat.

A clawed hand catches my wrist, locking it in place. Immediately, I start to struggle, but I may as well be trying to pull a mountain. Panic sets in, and…

And nothing at all. The terror bleeds away into nothing even faster than it arrived. That part of me is dead, remember?

“Slowly, darling,” Melpomene orders. “Your body has been sustained by nothing but magic for months now. Drink slow.”

Her grip still iron, she guides the bottle to my lips, letting me take only a single sip. It’s the best thing I have ever tasted. Just a touch of it on my tongue sends a wave of relief through my entire body.

“Like that. Do you understand?”

“Y-yes,” I manage. Water, water, water…

“Good.”

She lets go, and I slam down on my immediate instinct to engorge myself again, instead forcing myself to take a tiny sip like she showed me. Immediately, the relief repeats. God, I… fuck.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to chug this all immediately. Instead, I do nothing, nothing at all. It’s all too much. It’s all just too much. Why is Melpomene here? What does she want from me? Why am I letting her do any of this? I… I mean, I suppose I’m not letting her. I don’t want this, but I can’t stop her. There’s nothing I can do to stop her. Nothing at all.

“W-why?” I croak.

Melpomene smiles. She’s right in front of me. I could… I could what?

“Just take another sip, darling,” she says.

I do. Damn me, but I do. And while I do, she reaches forward. Her claws inch toward my throat, and I make no move to stop her.

The pain is sudden, but no more potent than what my entire body has been feeling for quite some time. Still, for some reason, I don’t expect it. Which is… stupid? Why would I expect her to do anything but hurt me? Three cuts, all of them shallow, now drip blood down one side of my neck.

“Give them a path to grow, or they’ll make their own,” she tells me, scratching three identical cuts down the opposite side of my neck as well. “Better not to leave them to their own designs. Symmetry is beauty, after all.”

Oh. The… the crystals. She means…

“It’s also just better to encourage them to grow out instead of in,” she says softly, confirming my fears. “For somewhere like the neck, I suspect that will be especially important.”

I start breathing harder, heartbeat rising as trickles of blood slowly drip down my throat. I’m turning into something like her. She’s turning me into something like her! I-I-I-I-I… no. Help. Help!

“If anyone else was coming, they would have by now,” Melpomene says softly, predicting my thoughts. “Enjoy the rest of your treat, darling.”

She turns and begins to walk away.

“W-wait!” I blurt before I can think better of it.

She pauses for only a moment, turning back to give me a sharp smile before vanishing into the dark. I stare at the spot she just left, water bottle shaking in my hand. Why did I… why did I…?