42. Unwelcome

College is weird.

I was kind of expecting it to be high school, but like… again? And to some extent it is. I’m mostly just taking general required classes, the same math, history, and science stuff that I never really understood and don’t deserve to be passing. But high school, for most people, is an obligation. When I ended up skipping out on classes to do Earth Guardian work, it was always a big production when I showed back up to class late. I eventually stopped doing it altogether, only going to classes that I could actually be there for the whole duration of, because when you walk in after the class has already begun everyone stares at you, whispers start, and sometimes the teacher stops everything to berate you. In college, though? Nobody gives a shit.

I think the difference is that college isn’t an obligation. It’s a privilege. Everyone other than me is paying to be here (I got some kind of mysterious scholarship out of nowhere, go figure), and that changes the dynamic of the classes a fair bit. Not completely, of course. There are still slackers, but the focus of it all has shifted. Everyone here is ostensibly an adult, being taught by fellow adults. If I don’t show up to class, well, that might impact my grade, but it’s my decision to make.

It’s a weird feeling. I’m not used to being trusted by people in that way. Sure, as a team leader I know what it’s like to have people rely on my judgment in combat, but being trusted to make decisions for myself as a human being? That’s a new one.

Technically, you know what it’s like to have people rely on MY judgment.

Minerva, you smug little… I make calls, too! You’re in control with the team more often, but we still interact.

Hehe. I know.

Bah. You gremlin. I’m going to make sure you know what it’s like to do all this damn homework!

Sure, bring it on. Are we… actually going to do it, though?

We should probably try? It’s what Castalia does, and it would make Chloe happy if we did more normal-person stuff. Only if we have time, of course.

Of course. Protecting the city always comes first.

Trudging up the stairs to my dorm, I start to wonder if I should go to class in incarnate form just so I can fly up the damn things when I get back. Maintaining incarnate form is good training, too, and it’s not like anyone pays enough attention to me to notice I have a different face in class.

What if I show up to class in incarnate form?

Please don’t.

No promises!

Gahhhhh. Look, hanging out with Chloe is one thing, but college classes? That will get people asking questions. And I know you… wait. Wait, don’t tell me you’re fine with that…?

Kind of, yeah! I dunno, sometimes I just wanna tell the world “Hey! I’m here!” Gonna have to figure out a way to let Luna know, since we’re hanging out together so much.

Oh my god, please don’t. Chloe was super nice because she’s always super nice, but Luna? Luna will have… opinions.

Boy will she. And I don’t really wanna go through all the effort of being friends with her if she’s gonna end up thinking I’m some kinda crazy person at the end of it all. May as well pull the band-aid off all at once.

“I guess,” I mumble to myself, unlocking the door to our dorm and stepping inside. I find Chloe already home, where she is—to my surprise—practicing Mario Kart. I guess I can’t blame her. We got absolutely thrashed the other day. Luna was merciless. At one point she got the lightning bolt item, drove all the way into first place, and then used it on the rest of us while we were behind her, just to flex. I think it broke Chloe a little.

It was fun, though! We got to use the lightning on her most of the time.

Well yeah, because we were in last the whole time. It is kind of funny that Castalia and Chloe put us on ‘lightning duty,’ though. If nothing else, we know how to do lightning duty.

“Eliza! Welcome home! Wanna train with me? Er, at Mario Kart, not the thing where you vanish for ten hours.”

Do I really train for ten hours? That’s pretty good. My stamina’s been improving.

“Weren’t we going to go, uh, shopping, or whatever?” I ask, plopping down next to her on the couch.

“Yeah, when Luna and Castalia get here. We can practice Mario Kart until then, though! We have to be able to at least pose a challenge next time!”

I shrug and gingerly accept her offered controller, doing my best to be careful with it so I don’t break it. I can’t say I really get this game, or games in general, but it’s something to do, I guess.

Ask her if she thinks Luna will take it okay.

Ugh. Fine.

“How do you think Luna would react to meeting Minerva?” I ask. “You know, like, officially.”

“Huh? Well, I mean she already knows about the two of you, right?” Chloe asks.

“She knows I am two different Earth Guardians. I don’t know if she knows I’m two different people. I feel like that’s kinda an extra leap to make.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess so,” Chloe answers. “Honestly, I don’t really know. It’s hard to get a read on that girl. She’s kinda rude, but she’s also considerate. I definitely don’t think she’s close-minded, though. I mean, I guess I don’t really know a whole lot about her beliefs, but she’s… uuh. Geez, there’s not really a great way to say this?”

“What?” I ask.

“Well, she’s disabled and gay,” Chloe grimaces. “And she knows how to pick locks, like, terrifyingly well. And she clearly has a lot of experience cooking for herself… I don’t really know how all the puzzle pieces fit together exactly, but suffice to say I don’t think she’s lived the sort of life that leaves someone inclined to view cultural outcasts in a traditional light.”

“You’ve completely lost me, Chloe,” I admit.

“I figured I might’ve, but that’s okay,” she sighs. “It’s just some personal musings of mine. I guess, on a whole, I think the odds are in your favor with Luna? But this is the sort of thing that’s always going to be a gamble. Pretty much everybody’s raised understanding that more than one person in your head means crazy. Your average person never bothers to consider what the options are in a situation like that other than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Even if she reacts badly at first, though, there’s a chance she’ll eventually come around to the idea. Sometimes all someone needs to get over their biases is to spend time with people, you know?”

“Uh, not really,” I admit. “But I’ll definitely take your word for it. Thanks, Chloe.”

“No problem, uh… Fulgora?” she tries.

I smile.

“Yep, you nailed it,” I confirm.

“Nice!” she says, doing a self-congratulatory fist pump.

We race a few tracks in Mario Kart, for a generous definition of ‘race’ on my end. I’m not really that invested in it, but it passes the time until I feel Castalia start moving our way and eventually knock on our door. We let both of them in, chat a bit, and eventually head outside towards the parking lot. Luna nudges Chloe and signs something at her.

“Oh, uh, I can drive,” Chloe offers. “That way you can still participate in the conversation!”

Luna smiles and signs something that I assume is ‘thank you’ given her emotional state, and the four of us pile into Chloe’s beat-up little car. I take shotgun, while Luna and Castalia head into the back. The whole car sags when they get in, the suspension probably not used to this many people. Then, we’re off. It’s a pretty short drive to the mall, and we’re heading inside before we know it.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of shopping!” Chloe declares, lifting both of her hands towards the sky. “I hope everyone is ready for a Chloe-style makeover!”

“I am prepared,” Castalia says seriously. Luna signs something. “Luna says she is also prepared.”

Heck yeah I’m ready! Minerva chimes in from the back of my head.

“Ready as I can be, I guess,” I sigh. “You know Castalia and I don’t really have an income, right? Can you really afford all this?”

“Oh, Luna said she’s buying,” Chloe answers.

“Luna?” I say, scrunching my eyebrows together. “Can you afford all this?”

She nods.

“How?” I ask.

She signs something and looks at Chloe.

“Oh, um…” Chloe hesitates. “She says, ‘Dead parents. You know how it is.'”

I blink.

“I… don’t, actually,” I answer. “My parents aren’t dead.”

A small burst of surprise emits from all three people around me. Really? Huh.

“Did you all just assume my parents were dead?” I ask. “Is this an Earth Guardian thing?”

“I… Eliza, you live with your brother. I’ve never heard you talk about your parents even once,” Chloe says.

“Oh, I mean yeah, Jim’s my legal guardian. Or… I guess he was before I turned eighteen? Man, that’s weird. Being an adult is weird,” I frown.

The surprise around me shifts towards concern.

“So… both of your parents are alive, but your brother is your legal guardian? Are they in jail or something?” Chloe asks.

“What? No! Of course not. Why would they be in jail?” I ask. “Or… I guess I assume they’re not in jail, I haven’t really talked to them for like… eight or nine years. I don’t remember them all that well.”

Everyone stares at me speechless, though Luna only does so for the usual reasons. She’s signing furiously.

“Uh… Luna wants to know if you’re comfortable talking about this with us,” Chloe translates.

“I guess?” I shrug. “It’s not really a big deal or anything.”

“Okay… Luna says that it’s very difficult to get parents to lose custody of their child, so it pretty much can’t be ‘not a big deal.'”

I shrug again. I’m not really sure what else to do.

“It probably wasn’t that hard. They didn’t want me. Jim did. It was probably just a, you know, ‘here you go, take her, bye!'”

The emotions around me only grow in strength. What did I say wrong?

“…I don’t think it works like that,” Castalia says.

“Why would they not want you?” Chloe asks, seemingly… on the verge of tears? Oh geez, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about this.

Yeah we probably should have known that parents are a pretty big deal to most normal people. I mean, Chloe put all that time and effort into helping her dad, right? So she’s probably… a parent person. I guess.

“I mean, like I said, I don’t really remember them that well,” I answer. “One thing I remember is that they really, really hated magic. It’s apparently Satanic? But it didn’t matter that much, I didn’t see them that often after I became an Earth Guardian. I spent most of my time at base.”

Luna signs a single word.

“Why?” Castalia translates for her.

“Uh… probably because my parents didn’t like me, I guess. I don’t remember, I was eight. Nobody remembers anything from when they were that young.”

Chloe, Luna, and Castalia share a few looks with each other, and then Chloe walks up to me and gently grabs both of my hands.

“Come on,” she says. “Let’s go do something fun.”

“Oh, I mean, sure, yeah,” I agree. “That’s why we’re here, right?”

“You bet it is,” Chloe says with a big smile, but for some reason she’s still sad. I’ve never been great at knowing what to do when that happens, but usually I just do whatever she wants and she bounces back eventually. She’s strong.

The mall is an interesting place. I’ve been here once or twice before with Chloe, though that was during the summer so it’s a bit less crowded now, which is nice. Despite fewer people being here, we definitely get a lot more stares—hanging around with Castalia tends to do that, given her… everything. She floats slightly behind me, chatting quietly with Luna as Chloe navigates us to whatever stores she plans on leading us through. I’m just here to be along for the ride, really.

You could get some new clothes for yourself, you know. You’ve been wearing the same stuff for years now.

I don’t see why I shouldn’t continue doing that? Clothes are just clothes. I don’t want to make Luna pay for stuff I won’t even particularly like.

But you could find stuff you like. Like I did! I mean, it was mostly Chloe who helped me, but once I got into it it was really nice. I’m sure she’ll be happy to do the same for you!

There’s no point. Let’s just let her dress up Luna and Castalia, instead. Castalia only really has like four outfits herself. I’m not even sure if her clothes are real or if they’re just magical constructs, honestly. If anyone can just will her incarnate outfit into a tank top and jean shorts, it’s Castalia.

It’s hilarious how she still wears it in the winter. Because… yeah, I mean, it’s not like below-freezing temperatures are going to do anything to her.

The weather is starting to cool down, finally. Maybe we can give it a shot, too.

Yeah! Incarnate casual clothing day!

We make it to the first of no doubt many stores for the day, Chloe immediately dragging Luna off to look at outfits while Castalia and I follow leisurely behind. The two of them chat away, Chloe as bubbly and babbly as always, and Luna presumably holding down her end of the conversation with her quick-moving hands. I’m surprised Chloe can keep up, even if she apparently has experience with the language. I wonder what the story is there.

We should probably ask. For such an open person, she’s weirdly closed off about it.

Uh… maybe we shouldn’t ask, then? Like, if she doesn’t want to talk about it…

M-maybe? Talking about stuff like that is supposed to help, right?

Does it ever help us?

…It helped me. Talking to Castalia really helped me a lot. Even if I am a PTSD symptom, I’m not just a PTSD symptom. I’m me.

And if you’re a PTSD symptom, I definitely am too. Or hell, maybe I’m the only symptom, and you’re the real one. You’re kind of a lot more functional than I am these days, especially when dealing with people. I’m just good for fighting, and I’m not even better than you at that.

Woah. Uh. What? No, Fulgora, you’re fine. You can do all kinds of stuff. There’s nothing wrong with you!

There’s obviously something wrong with me, I just can’t figure out what it is. It feels like every time I try to say anything about myself everyone just gets depressed and concerned and full of fucking pity. I just… I don’t know. It’s not a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal.

Hey. Hey. It’s alright.

It’s not alright! I can’t even function as well as the literal child that lives in my head!

Fulgora, no. I’m not ‘someone else who lives in your head,’ okay? We might be different, but we’re still one and the same. Two halves of a whole. Everything we ever do, we do it together. We share our victories and our defeats. I’m not better than you. I will never be better than you, because I can’t even exist without you. If I tried, I would be someone else entirely. Every good part about me is a good part of you, too. Everything you struggle with is my struggle, too. We’re together, forever and always.

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I… just like that? I thought we were supposed to be different. Two separate people.

A team has more than one person, but they’re still one team. They fight and live and die as one.

Our team didn’t.

And we know to never make that mistake again, don’t we?

…Yeah. Yeah, we do. Okay.

Between you and me, we don’t have a team leader. It’s just two partners. I rely on you for everything you’re good at, and you rely on me for everything you’re bad at. That’s how it works.

But what am I even good at?

“Eliza! Hey! Do any of these look nice?”

Chloe’s words pull me out of the internal conversation, directing my attention over to a collection of clothes in her arms.

“I grabbed these because I thought it would be more of Fulgora’s style… you are Fulgora still, right?”

“Yeah,” I confirm. “I don’t really have a style, though.”

“Er, well, I meant like how Minerva described your preferences. Pants, bulky tops, dark colors? That kind of thing.”

“Uh. Yeah, I guess,” I shrug. “I don’t care a lot what they look like. I just like practical clothes. Cargo pants and stuff.”

“How are these?” she asks, holding up a pair of black cargo pants. “I found them in the men’s section, is that okay? Also, what’s your size?”

“Uh, they’re fine I guess. I wear a lot of men’s clothes. And I don’t know.”

“No worries, we’ll find out!”

I am rushed off into the changing rooms and forced through several outfits, which I just sort of let happen. None of it really matters to me, but it makes Chloe happy and I owe her that much. Eventually she’s satisfied with something or another, and she moves on to Castalia, picking out a few colorful tank tops and holding them up for Castalia to judge.

“I am not sure these will work,” Castalia says.

“Work?” Chloe asks.

In response, Castalia just wordlessly lifts one of the shirts out of Chloe’s grasp and floats into the changing room with it, emerging with it… mostly on. The strap on her right side failed to catch on her missing shoulder and just hangs limply instead.

“Uncomfortable,” Castalia summarizes.

“G-gotcha,” Chloe nods awkwardly. “I’ll look for shirts with straps closer to the neck. Actually, how do you feel about shirts with a strap that runs behind your neck?”