48. Frustrations

I withhold a groan of annoyance as the mess of numbers on the page in front of me floats into my head and drags its way through the fuzzy interior, scraping against my exhausted brain cells. I’d like to say I’m doing my best to listen to this lecture from my math professor, but I’m not sure I could even tell you what kind of math I’m supposed to be learning. I forget the name of the class, and for that matter I forget the name of the professor.

It’s not like this really matters anyway. I’m going to be an Earth Guardian until I die. College is just something to take up the time I’m too exhausted to spend training but too awake to spend sleeping. It’s not really a big deal if I don’t learn any of this stuff.

It’s still annoying to struggle this much, though.

Yeah. True. It is annoying. Clearly, I should be using my anger at math to power my attacks from now on.

Hehe. Indeed! Math is an injustice worthy of our fury!

Pfft. Dork. Now help me out with this, you’re better at thinking than I am.

Aww, don’t say that about yourself! But um, hmm… well this problem has a big letter P as part of the equation, so it’s probably probability!

Oh, right, duh. How do we do probability?

I dunno!

Cool. Awesome. Thanks for the help, Minerva.

Any time!

“Hey, um… are you an Earth Guardian?”

“Huh?” I blink, turning to an unexpected voice beside me. Some girl I’ve never spoken to in my life is sitting there, whispering personal questions for fun, I guess.

“You’re Fulgora, right?” she presses.

Well, this was going to happen eventually.

Yeah, it was inevitable. But right now? In the middle of class? I was expecting to at least get asked after the bell rang or something.

It’s easier to understand than math, anyway.

“Um… yeah, I am,” I confirm uncomfortably. “Why, do you need something?”

“Kind of,” the girl answers, and after a couple tired blinks I manage to consciously process her face. Brown eyes, brown hair, and a couple freckles on her cheeks that barely stand out from her tan. Her hair is up in the kind of full-headed ponytail that runners use to keep their bangs out of their face. An outdoorsy type, I guess, certainly a lot more so than Luna or Chloe.

“I’m curious what you think about all the stuff that’s been going around online,” she says. “Like, is it legit or is it bunk?”

“What stuff?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows a bit. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, uh, do you… not know?” she asks back.

“I don’t really get online much,” I admit. “Is it something I should know?”

“Uh… I guess that depends on how real it is,” she says, quickly typing a search online, clicking a link, and turning her laptop to face me. “This ‘Dark Rebellion’ stuff. They mention you by name a couple times.”

“What!?” I yelp, immediately a bit more awake as I take in the webpage in front of me, images of Melpomene, Amalthea, Nanaya, and Anath all immediately catching my eyes before I actually start to process the text on the page, which gets into things like ‘breaking the Preserver monopoly on magical violence’ and ‘detailing the hidden history of the Dark World.’ There’s even a link to a page that claims to detail the basic properties of magic, which I of course click, and… oh my god. This was definitely written by someone with Earth Guardian experience.

“The ‘Dark Rebellion…?'” I mutter to myself. I vaguely remember Nanaya calling her group that, back when she was trying to burn me alive.

“It’s kind of a dorky name, isn’t it?” the girl comments. “Like something from a Saturday morning cartoon. But if it’s a fake, it’s a pretty well-made fake, right?”

“I should go,” I say, standing up with my heart pounding in panic.

“Uh, wait, what? Does that mean it’s real?” the girl asks, but I don’t answer, just shouldering my backpack and speed-walking out of the classroom. What the hell is going on!? Are they really just giving all this information to people? That’s bad, bad, bad, we’re not supposed to do that!

I mean, we told Chloe.

There’s a big difference between telling our best friend and telling the entire world!

Well yeah, I guess. I’m just saying, nothing bad happened. We probably don’t have to like, PANIC panic.

God, I can barely tell which one of us is the green mage anymore. I rush out of the building, quickly dialing Uma’tama’s number into my phone as I head towards the closest Earth Guardian base entrance. Holding the phone up to my ear, I listen to the expected four rings before—

“Hello? Eliza?”

Oh wow, they actually picked up.

“Hey, Uma’tama, have you seen the website the Corrupted apparently made?” I ask.

“Boy have we!” they answer, their voice almost manic from stress. “Rest assured, we are handling it. There’s no action you need to take at this time.”

Oh. I slow down a little, though my feet still find themselves heading toward base regardless. It’s just where I’m used to going when there are potential problems.

“Um, okay? Are you sure?” I ask. “This is a major violation of Earth Guardian rules, right?”

“It is, yes, and we failed to stop it,” Uma’tama agrees. “But there’s little that can be done on the Earth side of things. Incidentally, do you feel that you are overworked?”

“What?” I blink. “Uh… no. Of course not.”

“Are you often tired?”

“Uh, I guess so.”

“Do you have significant time to perform non-Guardian related activities?”

“Well, I don’t… I mean, I just do Earth Guardian stuff most of the time. I’m an Earth Guardian.”

“Fascinating,” Uma’tama says. “Stay safe, Fulgora, Minerva. Goodbye for now!”

…And she hung up on us. What the heck? That was so weird. But I guess… it’s not a problem? Or not a problem for me. Which is weird, but okay.

My phone buzzes unexpectedly, and I nearly drop it checking to see if it’s Uma’tama sending something else, but… nope, just Chloe. She’s asking if I’ll be home for dinner today. I send off a quick affirmative; as far as I know, there aren’t any convergences expected today. Even the Corrupted’s castle isn’t in sync with Earth right now, so hopefully I won’t have to worry about them for a bit.

I guess we should head back to class?

And deal with the awkwardness of having left in the first place? No thanks. Not to mention that girl, who will definitely interrogate us. Let’s just head back to the dorm.

Oooh, ditching for reasons other than saving the world? You’re becoming a downright delinquent, Fulgora!

I’m just freaking out a little, okay? Our name was apparently publicized on the internet! Some random girl I don’t know recognized me!

I mean, she probably wouldn’t have if not for all the times we’ve skipped class to deal with incursions. I think most people in our classes know, but I doubt most people outside our classes do.

Yeah, until the information gets spread all across campus because of whatever’s going on with that website! How did she even know about it? There are like, probably a million websites on the internet. Is it a social media thing, too?

I guess? I don’t know any more about it than you do. You should let Chloe know we’re heading home early.

Oh, right. I send her a quick clarifying message before putting my phone away, taking my time as I walk back to my apartment. It’s still kind of weird having an apartment. I miss Jim.

We should visit! He’s probably lonely, too.

Hmm. Yeah. I mean, now that he doesn’t have to pay for us as much he probably got a cat or something. Maybe a parrot. Maybe both if he can make sure they don’t kill each other.

Either that or he’s saving up to get his veterinary degree.

Oh yeah! I forgot about that. Yeah, he’d be so good at that. Actually, fuck it, change of plans. Let’s go say hi to my brother. It’s been at least a month since we last saw him, that’s way too long. You think he’s working right now?

Almost definitely.

Hmm. He’s probably too busy to hang out, then. I’ll head over around closing time and try to catch him on his way home. And if I miss him I guess I’ll just… go home. Back to the apartment in the meantime, then.

We probably shouldn’t miss dinner anyway because we told Chloe we’d be home.

Oh yeah! Good thinking, Minerva. We make it back to our apartment building, head upstairs, and wander inside. Voices from the kitchen? Oh hey, Luna’s here.

“I’m back,” I announce.

“Eliza!” Chloe yelps, she and Luna turning to face me at the same time. Luna’s holding her phone sideways. Showing Chloe a video, probably? “Hey!”

“Hi,” I answer. “Everything okay?”

“Gosh, uh, maybe?” she says hesitantly. “But um, apparently the girl who tried to attack you in the mall did an interview and it’s just like, super freaking sad, and apparently she mentions you a couple times, and uh. It’s… really widespread now.”

What.

“I… I heard today about the website, but what’s this about an interview?” I ask.

“Oh geez, uh… I guess I’ll just put it up on the TV, one sec…” Chloe says, heading over to our couch to do just that. Luna just watches me carefully with her usual silence, her expression as unreadable as usual underneath her facemask. I still don’t feel like I really understand her.

She’s nice!

She’s helpful. That’s not the same thing.

Huh? What do you mean?

Luna is helpful. She’s always over here making food or reassuring Chloe or cleaning things even when we insist that we should be cleaning our own apartment. But I’m not sure I’d describe Luna as nice. She’s kind of brutal with her words, and to some extent she’s brutal with her actions. The way she just immediately attacked Anath was… I don’t know. Isn’t that weird for a normal person?

Chloe might have some idea of what’s up with her. The two of them seem to hang out a fair bit. She’s been spending time here a lot lately.

Yeah, I guess we could ask Chloe.

Or we could just ask Luna. She doesn’t mince her words, so why should we?

Hmm.

“Okay, got it! Uh, go ahead and sit down to watch while Luna and I finish prepping for dinner,” Chloe says, getting up and returning to the kitchen.

“It’s like three o’clock?” I blink.

“I said prepping for dinner,” Chloe says. “We won’t make dinner for another three hours.”

“Okay?” I manage, not having any idea what kind of dinner could possibly require preparing three hours in advance.

“Just watch the interview,” Chloe sighs. “She, uh. She addresses you directly, so… yeah.”

“Anath does?” I grimace. That can’t be good. Nothing with that crazy girl is ever good.

The video isn’t very long, at least, though I can already feel my body tensing up just by looking at that stupid monster’s face. Crazy fucking bitch. There are a couple odd cuts near the start of the video, but once it gets going, it… certainly has momentum.

It’s interesting. I never really thought all that much about the fact that she used to be an Earth Guardian. I even vaguely remember the team she talks about, though my shaky memory can’t really put any faces to the feeling of familiarity. I would have only seen them in emergency situations, given they operated in a different part of the state. But Uma’tama knew them. Uma’tama knew them all.

And just like with my team, two died, and one was left broken.

It is, I admit, a hauntingly familiar story. My team never went teal, but… I certainly almost did. Both of them died at the same time, after all, with no chance of a sudden powerup to save them. One minute we were all alive and together, and the next minute… the horde was on us. Too big, too much. Neither of them could fly as fast as I could, especially when I was that afraid. So they fought, and I ran. I lived, and they died.

A lot of people died that day. Sixty-two people, to be precise. When Earth Guardians fail, monsters make it to Earth, and so the predictable occurs. I tried to memorize all their names, once, but my memory was almost as shot then as it is now. I’m pretty sure it was Castalia that ultimately cleaned up our mess while I cowered and cried, scouring the city of the Dark World infection. She wasn’t retired then, just working solo after her own tragedy. So I thought I could work solo, too.

It was with Uma’tama’s help that I managed to turn my despair into anger. I guess in retrospect, that might have saved my life. I wonder why they didn’t do that with Anath’s teammate.

Either way, this is what she meant, isn’t it? When Anath said we’re the same, she was talking about this. About being too weak to save the most important people in the world. About needing to have that strength so we never fail again. That’s what she meant, right? But if that’s the case, I just have all the more reason to be angry with her. Because she doesn’t get it. If she left the Earth Guardians, there’s no way she gets it.

They died in service to the Guardians. That’s why we can never leave. That’s why this is a decision for life. It was for them, so it is for us too. It’s the only future we deserve.

“Eliza?” Chloe asks, sitting down next to me as I stare at the final frame of the now-finished video. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I assure her. “I’m fine.”

My phone suddenly buzzes. It’s… a message from Luna?

You fucking liar.

I read the three words over and over, a scowl forming on my face, I glare over at her, finding her leveling a rather unimpressed stare right back at me.

“What is your deal, anyway?” I demand. “There’s something seriously up with you.”

“Eliza!” Chloe interjects, looking even more worried. “Y-you shouldn’t—”

She quiets down as I turn my phone so she can read the message.

“…Luna,” she groans instead, sending an exasperated glance in the girl’s direction. Luna shrugs unrepentantly, going back to cleaning our kitchen despite the fact that I’m pretty sure she’s already made it spotless.

“Nuh-uh, you don’t get to be a bitch and just shrug your way out of this,” I press. “What exactly is it that you think you know about me?”

Luna sighs, pulling out her phone and typing away, my own phone buzzing shortly after.

I think you’ve been structuring your entire life around deadly combat for the past ten years, and it has completely fucked you up in the head.

Is she talking about me?

If she is I’m going to kick her fucking ass, rules about fighting humans be damned.

“And you’re just so normal and well-adjusted by comparison?” I snap at her. “Your first response to seeing a monster was to shove your goddamn hand in her mouth.”

I never claimed to be well-adjusted, Luna types back, an odd mix of anger and fear wafting out from her. It’s because I’m fucked up that it’s so easy to recognize everything that’s wrong with you.

“H-hey, both of you, let’s calm down, okay?” Chloe tries to butt in, but I’m not having it.

“You don’t understand anything,” I snap. “You act like you’re so smart, but you’ve never been there. You’ve never stood as the only thing between the Dark World and thousands of lives! That is more important than anything else! Don’t you understand that!?”

Type, type, type, buzz.

I understand that’s not a healthy way for any person to think.

With a crunch, my phone shatters in my hand, plastic and glass spilling out between my fingers without so much as scratching me. I stand up, stomping over to Luna.

“Then I’m not a person,” I hiss. “I’m an Earth Guardian.”

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

I barely keep the presence of mind to twist the doorknob before slamming the exit to my apartment open, stomping out of the room and away from campus. I don’t even know where I’m going for a few minutes, only belatedly remembering I was planning to surprise Jim at work. It’s a lot earlier than I planned, but at this point I think I just need a hug from my brother.

Stupid fucking Luna. What is she even on about? ‘Not a healthy way for a person to think?’ Bitch it’s simple math! Simple enough even I can do it! One is less than a thousand! I’m risking my life so everyone else doesn’t have to lose theirs! You can’t fucking tell me that’s not important! Does she think it would be ‘healthier’ for her and everyone else to die!?

I… don’t think that’s what she meant.

What the hell else could she have been saying?

I don’t really know either, but if she thought saving people wasn’t a good thing, I doubt she’d spend so much of her time helping people.

I slow down my furious powerwalk. I… I guess that’s a fair point. She’s an asshole, but it’s not like she’s heartless.

She helps people with actions instead of words. Kind of like us!

Yeah, I mean, I can respect that, even if I don’t get why she keeps bothering us, specifically. Kind of like Chloe, really. I like her, but it’s not as though I need her. She makes the parts of my life that don’t really matter a lot happier, but… y’know. She’s kind of useless for the important stuff.

Haha… maybe don’t ever say that out loud.

Hey, I know! I’m not that dumb. I don’t want to upset her or anything, it’s not her fault. She can’t help. She shouldn’t help. That’s kind of the whole point.

The bubbling of undirected energy inside me prompts me to run, so I do, just to have something to push away the fury. I’d shift into my incarnate form if it wasn’t still healing, the ache of damage from the fight with Nanaya mostly gone after this long but still distinctly present. And I just… don’t feel like giving up the body to Minerva right now.

It’s alright. We’re both a little angry.

You don’t sound angry.

I don’t feel anything quite as strongly while you’re in control. Same for you, right?

Yeah, I guess so. Is that why you’re so good at setting me straight?

It helps. It’s easier to be what you need me to be.

Hey, you don’t have to do that.

It’s the least your PTSD symptom can do, isn’t it?

No. Hey, no! Minerva. You’re amazing. You are everything I needed, even though I didn’t know it at first, and it’s not because you made yourself that way. It’s because you are yourself. We wouldn’t have gotten that far against Nanaya without you, not in a million years. And next time, we’ll be even better. Next time, we’ll win. We’ll climb the ladder of power higher and higher until not even Castalia can beat us. We’ll take down Melpomene, we’ll take down the whole Dark Rebellion, and everyone will finally be safe! And it’ll all be thanks to you.

I… yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’m kinda great, huh?

You are! Fuck the whole ‘PTSD symptom’ bullshit up the ass. You and me are two halves of a greater whole. You are what makes me strong.

And you do the same for me!

Right! Exactly! I mean, I hope so.

You do, you dummy! I’m your caution and you’re my courage. Who cares what Luna or anyone else thinks? We’ll protect everyone no matter what anyone says!

Yeah! Yeah, we will. We will!

The pep talk with Minerva helps a lot, and my run stops being a desperate attempt to burn off energy and more a comfortable ache in my muscles to remind me how far I’ve come. I even start feeling a little bit bad for blowing my top at Luna, but… only a little. It’s good that I managed to break out of my funk, I wouldn’t want Jim to have to deal with me while I’m like that. He’s good at it, but he shouldn’t have to handle my shit. He’s done more than enough for me. It’s time I handled everything myself. We’re almost to his store, too, so hopefully I’ll—

“Hey, Jim?”

No.

That… that was Anath’s voice.

No, no, no, no, no you fucking monster. Not here. NOT TODAY!

I burst forward with both more and less speed than I was expecting, half of my mind trying to take flight despite the fact that I’m not in an incarnate form. Yet magic still pushes me forward, launching me down the street and stopping in front of the shop so I can yank open the doors and rush inside. There she is. I leap, fist pulled back and ready to come down.

“Woah! Hey Ful-aagh!”

Cheekbones crunch against my knuckles, the skin on my fist splitting open at the point of impact, but Anath goes sprawling, toppling backwards and crashing into one of the display stands for dog toys. Before she can recover, I yank her up by the collar of her shirt and slam my forehead down into hers, pain ringing out dull and barely felt through the fury.

“You stay the fuck away from my brother!” I roar at her.