27. Guardian

“Whatcha thinkin’ about, Eliza?”

I blink, the answer to Chloe’s question temporarily vanishing and leaving me confused as her words jostle me out of my own head. Thankfully, my train of thought returns to the rails quickly enough for me to figure out what to say.

“Aurora’s family invited me over for dinner today,” I tell her.

“Oh! That’s nice of them. Do you know them well?” She asks.

The two of us are hanging out together, as we have for most of the summer. We’re mostly just walking around today, though. Hanging out. It’s quiet, but it’s nice.

“Well, I know Aurora well, kind of. But I’ve never met her family,” I explain. “It doesn’t really come up much. Generally speaking, we like to keep our families as far away from our work as possible.”

“Oh, I see,” Chloe nods. “Aurora is one of the kids on your team, right? I think it’s great that she wants you to meet her family.”

“Yeah, it is,” I nod. “I’m just not really sure how to meet them.”

How is this not obvious? They’re humans. We meet them as a human. End of discussion.

“What do you mean?” Chloe asks.

“It just feels weird hanging around Aurora as… you know, an adult,” I admit.

That’s because it is weird! But you’re still an adult when you look like a kid, so it’s not like it’s any less weird!

“You’re saying you want to show up as Minerva?” Chloe asks.

“Well… yeah, I guess,” I shrug awkwardly. “I mean, I am Minerva. I’m just worried it would be… creepy? I don’t even know why I turn into a kid when I transform. I don’t really act like one. It’s totally creepy, right?”

“…Well, I think it’s only creepy if you make it creepy,” Chloe answers slowly. “I mean, okay, there’s no good way to ask this, so just to bluntly get it out there… it isn’t a sex thing, right?”

“No!” I shudder. “A thousand million times no. I’d break the arms of anyone who tried something like that.”

Thinking about it now, the fact that my child form is something that society universally condemns sexualizing might be one of my favorite things about it? I… don’t want people to see me that way. At all. Ever.

Woah. I didn’t realize it was that intense for you.

I don’t think I did either? I kind of go out of my way to avoid thinking about stuff like that, and you don’t really think about it much either.

Yeah, I guess I don’t.

“That’s about what I thought,” Chloe nods. “Does Aurora’s family know how old you are?”

“I… have no idea,” I admit. “Aurora knows, but I don’t know what she’s told them.”

“Well then there’s a chance they won’t see you as an adult in a child’s body. They might see you as an actual child. Is that something you want?”

I frown, rolling the question over in my mind a few times as we walk down the street.

“I have no idea,” I admit. “I like it when my team doesn’t treat me like I’m nearly twice their age, but I don’t know if I’d like other people treating me like I’m half their age? It’s never really happened before. I don’t talk to anyone other than my team and Uma’tama when I’m in my real body.”

Chloe suddenly stops walking. I stop as well, glancing nervously back at her, and she raises an eyebrow at me.

“Your ‘real’ body?” she asks.

“…Yes?” I hedge. “I mean, it’s my incarnate form. It’s literally the incarnation of… me.”

“Oh,” Chloe says. “Well, that settles it, then. Go as Minerva.”

Oh my god no.

“R-really?” I stammer.

“Yeah, of course!” Chloe encourages with a smile.

“Well, I’m also worried that I’ll come off as too… impersonal,” I backpedal. “Like, who shows up to a family dinner in full combat regalia?”

“Is it really combat regalia if it includes the skirt?” Chloe asks.

“I mean, yeah?” I answer. “It might not look practical, but it’s still the outfit I kill monsters in. It’s the clothing that everyone associates with… you know, the local Earth Guardian. According to what you told me, that might be a little uncomfortable for hu—er, normal people, and it probably won’t be very casual for Aurora if she’s constantly seeing me in work mode.”

“Well then just wear something else,” Chloe shrugs. “It’s not like there’s anything stopping you, right?”

“I don’t… have kid-sized clothes,” I tell her. “Why would I?”

“For literally all of the reasons we just talked about!” Chloe insists, throwing her hands up in the air. “That’s it, it’s settled. We’re going shopping.”

“What?” I blink.

“We’re going shopping! For clothes that you can wear while casually hanging out in your self-described ‘real body!'” Chloe exclaims. “Oh my gosh, this is gonna be great! I’ve always wanted a little sister I could dress up.”

“Um. Huh?”

God damn it this is going to be so embarrassing! Tell her no!

Clothes of my own…?

I said tell her no god damn it!

“I-I don’t have any money,” I blurt. “I can’t…”

“My treat,” Chloe says.

“I couldn’t possibly—”

“My. Treat.”

I hesitate, trying to think of a way out, but Chloe barrels on before I can say anything.

“There’s no way you’re getting out of this now, Minerva. You’ve got me way too excited!”

God fucking damn it.

“O-okay,” I manage.

I can’t believe you’re letting this happen.

Chloe practically drags me down the street, rushing through town until we come across a nearby department store. Once inside, I can barely do anything other than quietly freak out as I watch her scour the shelves for things to try on. I have no idea what my clothing sizes are in my incarnate form, so she grabs several of the same outfit from off the racks before pushing me towards the changing rooms.

“Isn’t it going to be really weird when I walk into a stall as an adult and come out as a child?” I whine.

“I mean, not as weird as doing your entire flashy transformation out in the open,” Chloe says. “And it’s fine! Nobody’s even looking. They won’t notice.”

I mumble a few more wordless protests before getting shoved into a stall, the clothes in hand. Am I seriously going to do this?

Don’t. Do not do it. Just walk back out of that stall and hand the clothes back.

But why?

You know why! This whole thing is weird as hell!

But it’s not fair.

What do you mean, it’s not fair? Life isn’t fair.

You get to dress us up in whatever clothes you want. Even when we’re in human form, we look more or less like you. Our body feels like yours. I never get to be me unless we’re fighting. It’s… it’s not fair.

You seriously want to walk around town looking like a normal kid? You want to hang out with Chloe all day looking like a ten-year-old?

I don’t know! Maybe? Yeah? I know it’s weird and creepy, I just… I didn’t choose this, okay!? I never decided to exist this way. It’s not normal, but we’re not normal. Nothing about us is! Will this really be so bad? Isn’t it okay for me to hang out with my friend as myself for once?

…

Well?

Do what you want.

I take a deep breath, letting it slowly out. In, and out. In, and out. Like Castalia taught me to do, if I thought I was being too angry, too scared, or generally too emotional at all the wrong things. Castalia never leaves her incarnate form. She’d probably want me to do this too, and Chloe… well, she’s already been quite insistent. So really, what am I waiting for?

“Oɴᴄᴇ Aɢᴀɪɴ, I Fɪɢʜᴛ.”

Thankfully, there isn’t anyone else in the changing rooms to notice the light show coming out from underneath the stall. I change the same way I’ve changed hundreds of times, and as always, when it is over, I feel so much better.

“Bʀᴀᴠᴇ Pʀɪɴᴄᴇss Dᴜᴛɪғᴜʟ Mɪɴᴇʀᴠᴀ.”

My usual outfit appears around me as it always does, but I can make it disappear just as easily, unsummoning most of it with an act of will. I place the clothes Chloe handed me over the remaining underthings, trying out the various sizes and finding the one that fits me best before awkwardly exiting the changing room, more than enough fear pounding in my heart to sustain my incarnate form for the rest of the day.

“Um,” I hedge quietly, peeking back out into the main area of the store. “Hey, Chloe.”

Chloe’s entire face seems to stretch a little as her eyes open wide and her jaw drops towards the floor. Her hands come up to press against her cheeks, and she starts letting out a high-pitched squeal of excitement. It’s embarrassing. It’s also a little odd having to crane my neck up to look at her, but that, at least, feels right.

“Eeeeeeee! Oh my gosh you are so adorable!” Chloe squeals. “Ahhh, you’re even cuter than I thought you would be! Is that really you?”

“I-it’s me,” I confirm, shifting my weight awkwardly. It’s a lot easier to feel her emotions like this, and I can’t help but be surprised to not feel even a single mote of disgust. It feels like there should be some.

“Okay, okay, you have your sizes now? We have got to try on more outfits. Oh! I should take pictures of you so you can see what you look like!”

“…I mean, there are mirrors in the changing room, so—”

“I should take pictures of you.”

What follows is a whirlwind of clothes and embarrassment. Chloe seems to have no end of outfits she wants me to try on, and I can do little more than follow the tide as she continues dressing me like a doll. It’s an odd experience in so many ways. I’ve never done this before, never really explored what I like to wear. I guess I’m still not really sure.

A lot of my preferences are similar to Fulgora’s, but is that because I actually enjoy dressing the same way or just because I can feel her disapproval leaking into me whenever I put on anything too girly? My incarnate outfit has a skirt, so I feel like I shouldn’t really mind skirts? And I don’t, I think, but I really don’t like the idea of wearing one to meet with Aurora’s family. Skirts are part of my butt-kicking outfit. I want clothes that will remind me that this isn’t a fight.

So no skirts. No green. This is my chance to try something new, right? Something casual.

“What about just shorts?” Chloe asks. “It’s pretty hot out.”

“Shorts are a little too casual,” I hedge. It doesn’t feel right. “I’m immune to the heat like this anyway.”

“Hmm…”

What about those slacks? Fancier than cargo pants, but not too formal.

I’m not sure I like the color…

What’s wrong with black?

I don’t know, it’s just very… you.

I am you.

Well, we have different opinions on black.

Dark blue, maybe?

No! I don’t want to look sad.

“Minerva?” Chloe prompts, causing me to look up at her.

“Hmm?”

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“Colors,” I answer. “I don’t want to wear green. Or black. Or blue. Or red. Definitely not purple.”

“Um, yellow could be a cute color for a shirt,” Chloe says.

“…That’s Aurora’s color, though. Would that be weird?”

“Okay, uh, what about brown?” Chloe suggests, looking like she wants to ask a question but doesn’t think she should. “Like your stone.”

Seems kind of tacky.

“I kind of like that idea,” I admit.

Really?

Brown is you and me, together. Cooperation, self-discovery. The things we’ve been working towards since we started training with Castalia. Brown is the color that represents what we want to be.

Hmm. Okay, I can see it.

“Alright, how about brown for the pants and… uh, geez, there’s not really a whole lot of other colors. White and pink? For the shirt? Would that work with brown? Maybe if there’s not too much pink…”

It takes a while, but Chloe manages to assemble an outfit I’m pretty happy with. The light brown slacks give me the color I want while still just being a normal color for pants, and the mostly white shirt offsets the whole thing from being too emotion-coded. Even the pink accents aren’t really a representation of red; emotional colors tend to be pretty saturated. Come to think of it, maybe a pastel blue wouldn’t be too bad either. I guess I could buy something like that later.

…Later?

Don’t give me that. I’m actually having fun! Chloe doesn’t seem to mind! I’m enjoying this a lot, I definitely want to do it more.

Chloe’s probably just being nice. You know what she’s like.

I… maybe, she could be. But at the very least she’s not upset by it! She’s a good friend, a really good friend. It’s like she knew in advance how much I’d like this.

…Yeah. Yeah, maybe she did. I just… we don’t have a lot of control over who is in control. And the more time we spend looking like this the more likely I’ll end up wearing your incarnate form. I’m really not comfortable with that? I can’t exactly end the transformation if we’re wearing real clothes. I don’t think it works in reverse.

You can just change back in a bathroom or something. Come on, I have to be big all the time! You can handle being a little small. We have to make compromises since we’re sharing.

Ugh. I guess you’re right. Sorry. I know how excited you are about this. I’ll try not to complain.

Thanks, Fulgora.

“You. Look. Perfect,” Chloe squees. “Oh my gosh you’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! I can’t believe you never did this sooner!”

“U-uh, I mean, I didn’t really know I… was me?” I admit, unable to stop a blush from heating up my cheeks. How was I supposed to know that the intrusive thoughts in my head were straight-up an entire other person? How was she supposed to know her intrusive thoughts were me? We share memories, we swap between each other without apparent rhyme or reason. Our minds are sometimes clearly distinct, but sometimes they’re a seamless blend, with no apparent line between us.

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“I can’t really say I get it,” Chloe says, and I realize she’s been staring at me with a sad smile. “It seems complicated in ways I probably don’t have any context for. But I’m glad you know who you are now, Eliza. …No, sorry. Minerva. I’m really, really happy to get to see you smile.”

H-huh? But I wasn’t… oh. I guess I have smiled a lot today. Getting pulled around by Chloe has been overwhelming, but… enjoyable. I really like getting to see myself in the mirror, trying on new clothes. I never knew how much I wanted this.

And it’s not just me. Chloe has been happy. Sometimes, random strangers will watch us for a little while and I’ll feel them get happy, vicariously soaking in what looks like a joyful moment between sisters. People aren’t looking at me with concern, fear, or pity. Dressed like this, no one sees Brave Princess Dutiful Minerva. It’s just Minerva. And I never knew what that was like until now.

Even I have to admit it. It’s… nice. As weird as it is, it really is nice.

I feel the tears well up and start to fall all at once, quickly moving my hands to wipe them away from the corners of my eyes. A spike of panic wafts off of Chloe immediately, so I quickly chime in before she can say anything.

“G-good tears!” I assure her. “These are good tears. I really am happy. Thank you, Chloe. You are a very, very, very, very good friend.”

She relaxes, joy returning to her face and blooming into the air around her.

“I’m glad you think so,” she says. “You deserve one.”

I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve someone like her, but I can’t bring myself to protest. With my outfit for the dinner decided, Chloe and I start walking towards Aurora’s house. I have to summon my phone out of my human body’s pocket to double-check her address, which ends up leaving Chloe agape.

“Magic!” she declares, pointing at me.

“Uh. Yeah?” I confirm. “It’s barely magic. More of a function of the transformation stone than anything.”

“Aren’t… aren’t those magic?” Chloe asks.

“Well yes,” I concede. “I’m not really casting a spell, though. Not like I normally do. I’m just… using a tool for one of its intended purposes.”

“What’s the difference?” she asks, curious.

I hesitate, trying to figure out exactly how to answer.