43. Untrustworthy

I’ve gotta say, even though I already knew Eliza had PTSD, I don’t think it really sunk in for me until I watched her descend into war flashbacks in real time. Eyes unfocused, heart rate spiking, emotions freaking out in every direction… it was kind of terrifying to see from the outside. I bet it probably wasn’t super fun on the inside, either. Up until this point, I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to be friends with Eliza. The whole thing about secretly being one of her enemies in disguise is a pretty major trust issue, and it’s even worse with Eliza than it is with Castalia because Eliza’s on active duty, but this clinched it for me. The poor girl needs all the help she can get.

Fortunately, all the other girls seem to be of a similar mindset. It was no trouble at all convincing the rest of them to conspire with me to make this an Eliza day. A day where she can just focus on having fun since she almost certainly never got to do that as a child. Because holy shit, it sounds to me like her home life was so bad before she got superpowers that she became a literal child soldier to escape it all! And then she repressed all her memories so hard she doesn’t have a single one left from before she was eight! Gee, I wonder why she ended up manifesting an alternate self that identifies as a child!

Anyway, our plan was going great. Let her affirm her wardrobe, get the butch to the butch store, and finish it off with a well-needed bout of physical relaxation. Easy. But then wouldn’t you know it, Ms. Trauma Trigger herself decided to show up for a chat and I just fucking lost it. Like, I know Anath has her own issues, but holy shit she’s lucky I didn’t hold her forehead to the ground and keep spraying. I was this close to Mortal Kombat finishing that girl.

Was blowing my top at Anath the smartest move? Probably not. But hopefully, it raised Eliza’s spirits enough for her to be able to enjoy her massage. Surely nothing else will… wait, what’s that big mass of fear over there? Oh my god, is that Thea’s incarnate form!?

She’s still pretty far away, but she’s approaching us fast. The Earth Guardians will sense her pretty soon. Fortunately, Castalia notices before Eliza, floating a bit closer to where Eliza is being laid down and doing… something with her massive aura of joy that I think is intended to block out other magical signals. Interesting. But also, good save! I wish I could actually tell her that without blowing my cover.

Unfortunately, with Castalia sticking by Eliza and me forced to act like I don’t notice she’s coming, there’s nothing we can do to stop Thea from just running up to us, a terrified expression on her face as she fiddles incessantly with her dress.

“I-I-I’m s-so sorry, but have any of you seen Anath? I was supposed to k-keep an eye on her but she ran off and oh my gosh I’m so sorry please tell me you didn’t kill her!”

Eliza lifts her head to say something, but Castalia pushes it back down and motions her own head in the direction we left Anath writhing on the ground.

“Thank you! Sorry! Thank you! Sorry!” Thea yelps, rushing off in that direction, her enormous witch hat flopping around with every step.

“Who the heck was that?” Chloe asks.

“Amalthea,” Castalia answers simply, watching the girl go. Huh. That’s right, isn’t it? Castalia and Thea knew each other. Maybe not well, but they were both local Earth Guardians around the same time.

“…Okay,” Chloe says, her tone indicating that didn’t answer her question in any meaningful way whatsoever.

“She’s one of the bitches slowly turning into a monster and acting progressively crazier,” Eliza grunts.

“Hush,” Castalia says. “Enjoy your backrub.”

“It mostly just hurts,” Eliza mutters.

“I’m so sorry,” the massage therapist apologizes.

“S’not bad. A good hurt. Like a workout.”

“Well, that’s a good sign,” the therapist nods hesitantly. “I’ve never felt muscles like this before. They may as well be rock.”

“That’s ’cause I’m ripped,” Eliza mumbles. “And also ’cause my body is a magical construct, probably.”

“Incarnate forms can have backrubs,” Castalia says firmly. Ooh, I wonder how she knows… ugh, it’s Melpomene again, isn’t it? Unpleasant mental image. “Be quiet and enjoy it.”

“I’d change back to my human form but then I’d be wearing two sets of clothes,” Eliza comments.

“Hush,” Castalia orders again, and Eliza finally quiets down, letting herself be loosened up as much as she can. She does seem to be enjoying it, at least a little. Bit by bit, maybe we can get her to value herself a little.

Because that’s sort of the problem, right? She doesn’t value herself. She doesn’t think her own happiness is important. She probably thinks she has good reason not to, honestly. She’s an Earth Guardian. Humanity’s only line of defense against monsters with powers outside their comprehension. If she prioritizes herself over that, she’s basically calling herself more important than all of humanity, or at the very least everyone who lives in the area she’s responsible for.

Buuuut that is, of course, bullshit. Firstly because I believe in the whole ‘every person has intrinsic value’ claptrap, but secondly (and more objectively) that kind of rhetoric is pretty obviously due to major depression. And I know what that’s like, I can spot it from a mile away. This girl is so good at depression she could be a fucking trash compactor. It’s a little painful to watch, honestly. To be out the other side of that wretched swamp and turning back to see someone else just about drowning in it. I wish I could yell everything she needs to know to escape out at her. I wish I could grab her hand and yank her free myself. But I can’t, for an unfortunately high number of reasons.

Reason one: I can’t fucking talk. I mean, I can, obviously, but not to Eliza. This isn’t really the sort of conversation to have in a big group, in my opinion, but communicating everything to her over text would be… I don’t know, I guess I could manage it, it’s just awkward in person. I’d need to win her respect first, though, or she’d have no reason to listen to me.

Not that it would matter, because reason two: the fact that she’s depressed isn’t just sad, it’s absolutely fucking terrifying. I was told in no uncertain terms that depression involves the suppression of one’s emotions, the inability to feel anything particularly strongly, and it leaves the soul naturally hollow. Yet here Eliza is, trading blows with Nanaya while she effectively has both hands tied behind her back.

It was Castalia’s offhand comment that… er, uh, I mean, Castalia’s spur-of-the-moment comment that made me realize it. Loving yourself is magically significant even if you aren’t a yellow mage. She didn’t know why because Earth Guardians apparently think emotional control is a perfectly functional replacement for emotional intelligence, but I know why. And now I’m worried that if I help Eliza cure her depression too well, she’ll morph into a second, much angrier Castalia and obliterate the Dark Rebellion.

Hopefully I’m overexaggerating, but I’ve been in Eliza’s place and I couldn’t muster up enough emotion to get out of bed in the morning, let alone shoot lightning bolts. This girl has training weights on and she doesn’t even know it. I literally can’t try to actively help her work through her depression. It would be a potential violation of several of my orders, given what she’s likely to do to me the next time she sees my robotic self.

…I’m still going to do what I can to bring her a little happiness. If that ends up letting her other friends handle the deeper issues, well, I’m happy for her. I hope it happens, honestly. But I can’t really think too much about it. The chains are still tight around my chest. I will not allow myself to die. I may not use my transformation stone without Melpomene’s say-so. I must keep my identities separate. I will keep Melpomene’s secrets. And I follow only my will in all other things.

That last order is the true key to my freedom. It allows me to finagle my way between the lines of the others, squirming in just the right way to convince myself I’m heading in the right direction. But I am still chained. No matter how happy I might be now, I could be hanged by them at any moment. I still don’t know what to do about that.

“U-um! Sorry to bother you again, we just, uh…”

I have my body glance towards Thea, acting like I’m just now noticing her and Anath approaching us again. Thea has a firm hand around Anath’s arm, but she’s obviously still nervous, both in general and especially about Anath, whom for her part is glancing between our group with an unusual intensity in her eyes.

“I just, I mean, we wanted to say sorry,” Thea says, bowing low and tugging on Anath to make her do the same. Anath complies, giving a sheepish shrug when she returns to a standing position. The fur on her shoulder is matted with the tears and snot she must have wiped on it to try and get the pepper spray off.

“…I came at a bad time,” she says. I have to admit, I’m impressed with how well she can articulate after all that. “Sorry.”

“Are you serious?” Eliza grunts. “There wouldn’t be a good time, you know.”

“I don’t believe you,” Anath says simply.

“Anath!” Thea yelps. “I… look, please be respectful, okay? Castalia is right there.”

“Hello,” Castalia says.

“U-u-um! Hi! Please don’t obliterate us,” Thea squeaks.

“I am retired,” Castalia says simply.

“See, I told you!” Anath says. “She didn’t do anything any of the other times, why would she do anything now?”

“Why did I agree to keep an eye on you?” Thea groans.

“‘Cuz you also wanted to go to Earth!” Anath reminds her. “I haven’t been in a mall since I was tiny! It’s so loud and smelly here.”

“Okay, we’re leaving now,” Thea insists, dragging Anath away. “Really, I’m so sorry for her, I’ll keep better track of her. I promise we didn’t come here to fight.”

“You didn’t come here to fight,” Anath corrects. “But… I guess we can fight later. Bye, Fulgy! I hope you feel better soon.”

“You know I hate you, right?” Eliza asks.

Anath smiles sadly.

“Yeah,” she says. “I know. See ya later.”

Thea and Anath both give me a hesitant look as they depart, but of course we don’t say anything to each other. Hmm. Both of them did a pretty good job of acting like they don’t know me. That’s nice, but I should definitely head back soon and talk with them about what happened. I feel a little bad about what I did to Anath, but… well, it’s good to know that works. I should thank Castalia for the tip.

“…So who the heck were they?” Chloe asks.

“The Corrupted,” Eliza answers.

“Anath and Amalthea,” Castalia corrects. “We used to work with Amalthea. She’s your age.”

“She didn’t work in this city, though,” Eliza grunts. “We didn’t talk much. Just saw her occasionally when we had big fights, or when my teammates were injured and we needed the help.”

Castalia nods.

“I don’t really know her either,” she admits. “But I remember her. It is strange seeing her like that. Sad.”

I can’t say I like that.

“Why?” I ask, waving a little to get her attention.

“Fulgora,” Castalia says, “do you remember her name?”

“Huh? It’s Amalthea,” Eliza answers. Er, Fulgora answers? Eh, I’ll ask what she prefers later.

“Her full name,” Castalia clarifies.

“Oh,” Fulgora says. “It was Fearful Sage Doomed Amalthea.”

Castalia nods slowly.

“Yes,” she says. “That makes sense.”

Oh. Right. ‘Doomed.’ Yeah, that’s… that’s pretty sad. I haven’t really talked to Thea much about that, have I? Her feelings on her life and the Dark Rebellion as a whole. I guess it’s because I can’t. Not in any real meaningful way, when the most important person to her is the one I can never be honest about.

[WrenchWitch]: Hey Luna is this you?

Eh? I got a DM from someone I don’t… well, I guess it has to be Thea.

[LunaLightOTK]: Thea?

[WrenchWitch]: Woah! How did you know that? Did you hack me already?

[LunaLightOTK]: Your name is WrenchWitch.

[WrenchWitch]: Oh yeah.

What a dork.

[LunaLightOTK]: So what’s up?

[WrenchWitch]: Uhhh that’s sorta my question! Anath says you filled her mouth with pepper spray?

[LunaLightOTK]: I super did! She okay?

[WrenchWitch]: I think so but uh. Why. Why’d you do that.

[LunaLightOTK]: Cuz she fuckin’ deserved it. Eliza was coming down from a literal PTSD flashback and her supposedly empathic ass walked up and asked for a fight.

[WrenchWitch]: Wait like literal literal

[LunaLightOTK]: Of course literal literal. She’s a child soldier! You’re a child soldier!

[WrenchWitch]: I am not! Except for that one time with you I haven’t fought anything since I was twelve!

[LunaLightOTK]: …

[WrenchWitch]: ok maybe i see it now

[LunaLightOTK]: I hope so, yeah!

[WrenchWitch]: But is there not like. An expiry date on child soldier status?

[LunaLightOTK]: I think if you were at any point a child soldier that kinda shit sticks with you for life. But hey, maybe not. You tell me. Maybe you don’t get any terrible spiraling memories from the times you almost died or whatever.

[WrenchWitch]: Um. No comment?

[LunaLightOTK]: You people need therapy so fucking bad, oh my god.

[WrenchWitch]: I’m… not sure that would work out. And anyway, it’s not really why I’m messaging you! Part of why we came out here is that we could use your help with something. Another big fragment is going to converge tonight and Mel thinks it’ll be glutted with ruins.

[LunaLightOTK]: Ooooh. Okay, I’m in. What time?

[WrenchWitch]: Probably like 1:30am-ish? Be back by one, if you can.

[LunaLightOTK]: Don’t see why I can’t. See you then, Thea!

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

[WrenchWitch]: Yeah! See you!

A loud yawn turns my attention back to the people I’m with, and I turn just in time to watch Eliza stretch like a cat as she gets up from the massage table.

“Okay, that was pretty nice,” she admits, looking more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her… mostly because I usually see her while she’s trying to beat the shit out of me. I definitely prefer this look.

“Told you,” I sign, letting Chloe translate. “Good job keeping her down, Castalia.”

Castalia nods as Eliza blushes slightly.

“…I’d thank you for getting Anath off my back too, but you really shouldn’t have done that,” Eliza says. “That girl is incredibly dangerous. You could have gotten seriously hurt. Besides, what would you have done if your little spray stuff hadn’t worked?”

“But I knew it would work,” I sign. “I had a test subject.”

Pepper spray is just aerosolized capsaicin, after all. Literally the stuff inside spicy peppers. That’s how it works and why it’s relatively safe, at least by the standards of intentionally packaged pain in a can. So if Castalia’s incarnate form doesn’t have the spice tolerance to handle Nanaya’s recipes, there’s no way Anath’s base form can handle pepper spray right on the tongue. Castalia gives me a pained look, and I shoot a peace sign at her. See, roomie? All those spicy dinners were for science!

“Wait, so do you normally carry pepper spray, or did you just start doing it after you learned it worked on magical girls?” Chloe asks. I shrug.

“I like to be prepared,” I answer cryptically. But yes, that was the impetus. I figured being able to believably defend myself might come in handy for my human disguise, and what do you know, it did.

“But why did you think to prepare a method to attack magical girls at all!?” Chloe asks.

“Because I like to be prepared,” I sign slowly. “Try to pay attention.”

“I wonder if you getting angry helped at all,” Eliza frowns. “You felt that, right Castalia?”

Wait, what?

“I did,” Castalia confirms. Uh oh!

“Is there something I should know?” I sign.

“You have an abnormally high magical capacity for an untrained human,” Castalia says simply. “It is not a bad thing.”

“Wait, are you saying Luna has magic!?” Chloe gapes.

“No,” Castalia answers. “Nothing out of the ordinary. It just means that if she knew magic, she would be unusually good at it.”

“Are you sure she’s in the normal range?” Eliza asks. “I felt a lot of anger behind me.”

“I think you may have also been feeling mine,” Castalia says. “If Luna had not stopped Anath, I certainly would have.”

Oh. Cool.