62. Blind

“Oh, laaaadies!” Melpomene calls out, kicking open the doors of her absurd nightmare castle. “Guess what I brought home!”

She doesn’t open the doors like a normal person in part because she’s about the furthest thing from ‘normal’ anyone could ever be, but mostly because I am, to my chagrin, once again being carried around in her arms. Flight has proven too much for me outside my incarnate form, but Melpomene assures me that will likely change. As for my incarnate form itself… I could barely hold it for a few minutes.

Apparently, there’s still a giant hole in my soul. Imagine that.

“I’m making dinner!” Nanaya’s voice shouts from deeper within the castle. “Quit yelling, and come up here!”

She means up the stairs I saw last I was here, presumably, though of course I can’t see them anymore. I can’t even feel them all that well, given that my odd new sense of… what, external proprioception? It functions much better on things closer to me, and for whatever reason it seems to function worse inside this castle than outside it. Once the doors slam shut behind us, I’m back to near-total sensory uselessness. It’s a little scary. If anyone here wanted to hurt me, there’s very little I could do about it.

…But of course, the fear leaks away and leaves nothing but a dull sense of pointlessness in mere seconds. Oh, heaven forbid someone hurt me. Like there’s anything they could do that’s worse than what the Dark World has already done. Melpomene was right. I belong here with them. There’s nowhere else for me to go.

And besides, none of it matters. The nervousness, the confusion, the constant mental reminders that these people used to be my enemies… with her gone, they don’t mean anything. Without her, without the person who actually made me worth something, everyone I cared about is better off without me.

Besides, apparently Nanaya is making dinner, and I could not physically be more hungry. Although…

“Why do you eat?” I ask.

“Pardon?” Melpomene responds.

“Why do you eat?” I repeat. “If you’re like me, you don’t need to eat anymore, right?”

“Ah,” Melpomene hums. “Not quite, darling. The miasma has accepted you, so it can sustain you, but the castle keeps it out. It’s something that… Thea designed.”

She trails off for a moment, letting a beat of silence pass before she seems to remember that she has more to say.

“Ah, but yes. You’ll need to get back in the habit of eating regularly again. It can be difficult to tell time here, so keep an eye on the clocks to make sure you know when to—”

“I’m blind,” I remind her.

“…Yes, apologies darling,” Melpomene sighs. “Well, we can help remind you to eat. We’re all used to doing it for each other to some extent.”

“Somehow I can’t imagine Nanaya being happy to help feed me,” I say.

“Nanaya is a practical woman,” Melpomene says. “She’s not the sort of person to turn down a valuable asset merely because it beat her in a fight a couple times.”

“I never beat her,” I correct.

That gives Melpomene a moment of pause, but this close to her I can feel her smile.

“Of course, darling,” she says. “All the better, then.”

Up the stairs and down a hall, I’m once again disoriented by my lack of ability to see or feel anything around me. I can feel emotions, at least: Melpomene’s disgust is thick around me, cloying in a way that reminds me somewhat of the mists themselves. But beneath them, I can feel more than that: happiness, anxiety, depression, frustration… it’s a tumultuous storm of emotion, flashing and flickering like lightning, prone to a sudden strike to an unknown spot at any moment. Overall, though, beneath all the disgust, I’d judge her as excited. It’s odd.

I can feel two more sources of emotion in front of me, too. The bundle of anger is obviously Nanaya, though unlike Melpomene I don’t really feel a lot underneath. I’m probably too far away. The last cluster of emotion is mostly sad. It feels vaguely familiar, but I don’t really recognize it. I’m not sure who else would be here other than Anath, but she’s a yellow mage, right? She’s always perfectly gleeful when beating the shit out of me for no fucking reason.

“Alright, everyone!” Melpomene calls out. “Last chance to guess!”

“Mel?” someone asks. “Is something wrong?”

Wait… that is Anath! I guess there was that one time I had to keep an eye on her at our place so she wouldn’t mess with my brother. That was weird. She was sad that whole time, and it pissed me off. It sucks to punch someone that’s sad.

“Nothing at all!” Melpomene says brightly. “In fact, I have excellent news for you! Look!”

I’m lifted slightly higher into the air as Melpomene presumably parades me around to her team.

“…Melpomene,” Nanaya says flatly. “You didn’t.”

“Oh, god,” Anath breathes, her emotions blooming with fear and despair. “Who is… no, that can’t be…”

“Fulgora is alive!” she announces like it’s big news. She’s… known that for a long time now, though? Did she not tell anyone? Whatever.

“Fulgora!?” Anath yelps, and I hear a quick patter of running feet getting rapidly closer before she suddenly collides with Melpomene and me. Melpomene barely budges, keeping me steady in her arms, and all of a sudden I have Anath’s hands all over me, poking and prodding at my tail, my crystals, my antenna… I just go stiff, not having any idea how to react to the sudden contact. Get the hell off of me…? Anath quickly pulls back, but I’ve already almost completely stopped caring.

“Fulgora,” Anath whimpers. “Fulgora. Oh, no. What happened? Please be okay…”

What the hell…?

“The fuck do you think happened?” I grumble at her. It’s not like there’s more than one way to end up a blind, paraplegic crystal-covered monster. …Hopefully.

“You’re not okay,” Anath concludes, hesitantly poking at one of my crystals again. “You feel so quiet. Where’s Mi—”

“Shut the fuck up,” I snap at her. I don’t want to hear that name from her rotten mouth. “She’s dead. I killed her.”

Confusion wafts off of her.

“You killed her…?” she mumbles to herself. “That doesn’t…”

“I let her die,” I clarify. “It’s the same thing.”

Another set of footsteps indicates someone getting closer.

“One of your incarnate forms died, but the other lived?” Nanaya hums. “I didn’t realize that was possible, yet it makes a certain sort of sense. But what are you doing here?”

“Where else am I supposed to go?” I ask. “Just look at me.”

“Let’s set up a chair for Fulgora at the table, hmm?” Melpomene asks, and I think she’s looking at Nanaya when she says it. Sure enough, the other woman grunts and moves away, presumably to do just that. I can sort of feel it: where she’s going, what she’s moving… and as Melpomene brings me closer, I can feel enough of the table and chair that I can awkwardly get my tail underneath me and sit down without accidentally smacking anything.

My tail. I can’t believe I have a goddamn tail. It’s nothing like moving my legs; my legs are still there, after all, they’re just trapped in the crystals growing out of me. Moving my tail is like some huge, complicated extension of wiggling my butt or stretching my back, except I just keep stretching all the way down the line, and I can stretch in so many directions, and it just… it’s a lot. I can’t decide if it’s harder to move a new body part than I expected or much, much easier. I suppose I have no frame of reference. Maybe I should have asked Su what having a tail was like when I had the chance. Personally, I’m not sure I like it.

In some ways, I’m glad I can’t see it. I’m glad I don’t have to know what I look like now.

“May I speak with you in private, Melpomene?” Nanaya asks flatly.

Of course, she says everything flatly. Not in the same way Castalia does, though. Castalia sounds like there aren’t any emotions behind her words, even though that couldn’t be further from the truth. Nanaya sounds like there are too many emotions, and they’re barely being held back by a dam of self-control. Knowing what her Catharsis does, I can hardly blame her for being insistent on keeping herself in check.

“Always, dearest,” Melpomene answers fondly, and the two of them step away.

As she does, the vague understanding I had of my surroundings vanishes, leaving me even more in the dark than ever before. It startles me, causing me to nearly fall out of my chair in an attempt to follow after the source of my senses. I catch myself, though, freezing up. What’s going on? Why did I lose feeling around myself when she left? Is she some kind of… portable miasma substitute? That seems bad, but I do not like being this ignorant of everything around me. I don’t like it at all.

“Fulgora?” Anath asks from my left, nearly scaring the shit out of me. I don’t let it show.

“What?” I snap.

“I, um, I think the food is still simmering, but can I get you anything?” she asks. What the hell? Why? “Um, you know, like… a snack? I have cheesy chips and Gatorade. Or maybe just some water?”

Water water water water.

“…Water,” I agree. Melpomene gave me some before she brought me here, but I’m still thirsty. A shuffling sound indicates that Anath probably left to go get some. Probably. The source of her emotions starts to get more distant, but that’s the only way I can really tell. I have no idea where anything is, and I hate it.

“This is not a good idea,” Nanaya says from the other room. It’s quiet, but I can still make out the words.

“You know we need more members,” Melpomene argues.

“But her? How long have you been cooking this little surprise? I seriously doubt you just stumbled upon her by accident.”

“She understands that the Preservers are at fault,” Melpomene says, not answering the question. “And having her around should make Anath happy, right?”

There’s a pause.

“…Are you stupid?” Nanaya asks.

“Don’t,” Melpomene growls. “I love you, but you don’t get to talk to me that way.”

Nanaya sighs.

“Mmm. Apologies,” she says, though she doesn’t really feel like she means it. “It is just that I have been doing my best to comfort Anath and help her grieve. You know this. But when we finally start making good progress, you bring the source of that grief back. As a teal mage.”

“I… understand that, but surely it’s better than her being dead?” Melpomene says. “She can always end up a different color later.”

“Name one teal mage who did,” Nanaya says. “Just one.”

Another pause.

“A pattern is not a requirement,” Melpomene eventually says.

“Indeed not. So you will keep that girl alive, Melpomene. If you go using her as a sacrificial pawn, we’ll lose both her and Anath.”

“…Would that really be so bad?” Melpomene asks, a flirtatious tint to her voice. “Just the two of us against the world?”

“Mmm. And how would you have reacted if I said such a thing about Thea?” Nanaya counters blandly.

“…Fair point,” Melpomene sighs. “But not a relevant point. I wasn’t planning to throw her away regardless. Like I said, we need more members… and we both know she has incredible potential. You should have seen her incarnate form! The girl roars like a dying star.”

Emphasis on the dying, perhaps. I couldn’t really judge how strong I was, but I suppose going teal tends to give people a power boost. Too little too late, of course. I still killed her.

“Very well,” Nanaya sighs. “I trust you. But I will be having a talk with her.”

“Of course, dearest,” Melpomene answers fondly, and then I briefly hear some weird wet noises. Did they… kiss each other?

…This is the part where she would have said ‘ew.’

Water water water water.

God, I’m thirsty.

“G-got it! Got the. The water. Sorry that took a bit I don’t normally drink water and we have separate drinking water and bathing water and I might have mixed it up at first but the glass is clean and the water is good now I promise!” Anath suddenly blabbers in my ear. Gah! She’s back I guess!?

“Thanks,” I say, hearing a clunk in front of me. I guess she set it on the table? That’s fine. That’s cool. I’m sure I can find it.

I carefully reach forward, my fingers questing in the general direction of the noise for the glass I’ve been brought. The tips of my fingers clink against something, startling me a little. Claws. Right. I have claws now, most likely made of crystal. I do my best to maneuver them around the glass, but everything is just slightly offset from where I expect it, and I end up nearly knocking the damn thing over.

“Oh, do you… need any help?” Anath asks.

“No,” I snap.

“Sorry,” Anath immediately responds, shuffling back a step.

I can do this. It’s just a glass of water. I don’t need help for something as stupid as this. I mean, who hasn’t had to get up and take a drink in the middle of the night? I guess I could usually see a tiny bit when I did that, but still! I just need to get my hand around it, and… ah!

“You two getting along?” Melpomene says, coming up behind me, and all of a sudden I can wrap my hand around the cup with ease. I immediately bring it up to my lips and chug the whole thing down. It feels amazing.

Water, water, water, water.

“Still thirsty, darling? Well, we’re fairly stocked up right now, so drink as much as you like,” she tells me.

“How are you doing that?” I ask.

“Pardon?” she says, tilting her head to the side. And I know she’s tilting her head. Somehow.

“You’re helping me see,” I say. “Kind of. I can feel what’s around me easier when you’re nearby.”

“You’re probably detecting magical flows,” Nanaya says. “Do you have similar senses out in the mist?”

Huh. I wasn’t expecting her to talk to me so casually after arguing against me hanging around, but I’ll take it, I guess.

“Yeah,” I confirm.

“It’s the same sense as the one that lets you feel people’s emotions or judge how powerful a magical threat is, just applied differently,” Nanaya explains. “Some of us are better at it than others, but we can all do it to some extent. I believe it’s one of the side effects of having these crystals implanted in our bodies. Speaking of, I would like to do a medical examination on you, if you will allow it.”

“…What?” I ask. “Are you… a doctor? Huh?”

“No, Fulgora, I am not a doctor,” Nanaya says flatly. “But I am a healer. And though I lack a formal education, it does not require a university degree to understand that crystals growing inside your internal organs can be very bad for you. And your crystal growths are very advanced. Your body is covered with them. If they look anything on the inside like they do on the outside, you are in serious danger.”

So what?

“Do whatever you want,” I grunt. “But can we eat first?”

“Mmm. I suppose you likely haven’t eaten in eight months, so I can understand the urgency. Very well.”

Eight… months? Wow. I knew I was there for a long time, but… wow. It’s been eight months since she died. That’s too many.

Water, water, water, water.

“…Could I get more water, also?” I croak.

“Y-yeah, of course!” Anath chirps, grabbing my empty glass and rushing off.

“We have drinking water here in the kitchen!” Nanaya calls after her, but she’s already gone.

Nanaya sighs.

“…Why are you here, Fulgora?” she asks, moving away from the table as Melpomene sits down next to me.

“Huh?” I say. “Why are you asking me that? I don’t know why I’m here.”

“Mmm. Let me clarify. You’ve never been interested in avoiding a fight with us before,” Nanaya says. “But Melpomene says you want to join us?”

“As long as I get to fight for you, sure,” I answer.

“…Oh?” Nanaya prompts. Annoying. So annoying. Talk talk talk.

“I can’t go back to the Preservers,” I say. “I won’t. They hurt her. They hurt us. I can’t go back.”

“Naturally,” Nanaya agrees easily.

“But I don’t like any of you,” I continue. “I don’t care about your stupid rebellion. I just have to fight.”

“You have to fight?” Nanaya repeats.

“What do you not understand!?” I snap at her, bringing my hand down to slap the table. Yet at a speed I can barely follow, Melpomene catches my wrist.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

“Careful, darling,” she says soothingly. “We only have the one table.”

I open my mouth to yell at her too but find I no longer have any desire to. The anger just… faded away. There’s nothing but emptiness left in me. Nothing but a hole.

“…I’m worthless at everything else,” I say, addressing Nanaya again. “I’m not even all that good at fighting, either, but it’s the only thing I can do at all. It’s that or nothing, and…”

I’ve done nothing. I’ve done nothing for eight months. Existing in the darkness with nothing but my self-hate for company. Nanaya, Melpomene, Anath… they’re probably all crazy, but they’re better than that. Melpomene and I fought. I lost. And even though I got Minerva killed, I couldn’t do the same to myself. I’m stuck being alive. So why not do the only thing my life is for?

I don’t care what the reason is anymore. It just doesn’t matter. I have to do it, or else I go back to nothing.

A hand on my shoulder snaps me out of my thoughts. I turn my head… and of course see nothing, though I can tell it’s Melpomene. She gives my shoulder a light squeeze.

“You’re alright now,” she tells me. “You’re here. With us.”

What an absurd thing to say. I’m alright? I’ll never be alright again. I—

“Food,” Nanaya grunts, dropping a plate of something in front of me. I can only make out the general shape, though it smells… I don’t know. Weird. Not a bad weird, but I think there might be something wrong with my nose.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Stew,” Nanaya says.

Ah. That would explain the spoon. I think that’s a spoon, at least? I manage to pick it up, successfully navigating myself a bite to eat with the help of Melpomene’s… I don’t know, magic farts or whatever.

Oh.

That tastes really good.

I quickly shovel down another bite.

“Slow down, darling, your stomach will need time to adjust!” Melpomene chides, but I really just do not give a fuck. This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my entire life.

“I-I got you more water!”

Hell yes. I grab it and start chugging it down.

“Fulgora! I said slow down!” Melpomene snaps, a sudden pulse of anger causing me to flinch.

“S-sorry,” I stammer, freezing in place.

“It’s for your own good, darling,” she says. “You’ll hurt your poor stomach if you give it too much at once. Nanaya will keep the food hot. It isn’t going anywhere.”

“Right,” I say, still not really moving. “Sure. Sorry.”

There’s a pause.

“…Uh, you don’t… want an upset tummy later, right?” Anath tries.

“Sure. Whatever,” I agree. I get it. God. Let’s just move past… whatever this is. I take another bite of food, carefully this time. It tastes just as good, but I don’t care quite so much anymore.

I am such a mess. I knew I would be without her, but I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know why I do anything. Why am I even bothering? I’m finally out of the mist, so I should be able to just kill myself and get all of this over with. Instead I’m here, eating stew made by the woman who almost murdered my team.

…Her team. Not mine. What am I even thinking? She raised them up, she made them strong, and I didn’t do anything but watch and grouse, telling her over and over to stop. That it was pointless. That she’d just get them killed again. But that was never her, was it? It was always me. I’ve always been the one getting everyone killed.

Ha. Haha. Maybe if I do want to get rid of the Dark Rebellion, the best way to do it would be to join them after all! Does it really matter how powerful Melpomene is if I’m just that cursed?

“…This is really good, Nana,” Anath speaks up again. “Thank you.”

Nanaya feels a little surprised, though I’m fairly certain she nods.

“Of course,” she says.

God, it’s only just now hitting me how absurd all of this is. They’re so weirdly normal. Just… sitting around a dinner table eating stew. Who does that? I mean, I did that with Chloe and the others, but what kind of monster does that? How are these the same people who nearly dropped a kaiju on a fucking school?

Dinner continues with a disturbing lack of evil plots or mad ravings all the way until the very end. Ultimately, I do end up giving myself a stomachache, but the pain of overeating has nothing on the agony of starvation. It’s… almost nice, though I can barely feel the pleasure before it slips away the moment I try to focus on it.

“Anath, please do the dishes,” Nanaya announces.

“Wh—really?” Anath says, sounding surprised.

“Carefully,” Nanaya insists. “I need to do Fulgora’s medical examination. I’ll be taking her to my room.”