Chapter Forty-One – Anti-Air
byChapter Forty-One – Anti-Air
“Top 10 SUREFIRE Tricks To Stopping Any Aliens From Eating You!
Trick One!
-Eat lots of avocado and other greens. The Antithesis are actually plants (amazing, right!) and if you eat lots of plants, you’ll give off herbivore hormones that will scare off those nasty aliens!
Trick 2!
-Keep a lot of matches and candles in your home. If an incursion begins, light them all up. The fire will scare them away. I like using Hapyy™ brand scented candles which leave my home smelling vanilla-fresh!
Trick 3:
-Subscribe to all the latest newsletters and media feeds about the Antithesis, especially the astrological incursion prediction feeds! If you think that there’s going to be one near you, maybe it’s time to use your yearly two-days of vacation time and visit some family elsewhere!
Trick four!
-Refuse any vaccines your doctor tries to push onto you. They have scent pheromones and chemicals like mercury that attract the Antithesis!
[…]”
-Except from a popular Vlog, 2027
***
“I’m sure it’ll work,” I said with the tone of someone who was very much not sure it would, in fact, work.
In one hand, I had a funky looking grenade that was meant to fuck with gravity, or mass, or whatever. In the other, I had no hand.
Your certainty is certainly novel. I do look forward to the results.
“That was the cuntiest way of saying ‘it’s not gonna work’ that I’ve ever heard,” I said.
The artificial mass grenade had a handy little dial on the side, with tick marks for the number of g’s you could add to it. I flicked the dial to max with my thumb, then wiggled the ribbon tied around it to make sure it was on tight. Fortunately, the grenade was a long cylinder, and was easy to tie to something.
The cord dropped to the ground, passed underfoot, and went all the way over to the car where it was wrapped around the rear bits of the frame.
I figured if it was good enough for Bugs Bunny, it was good enough for me. I flicked on the mass grenade and tossed it off the side of the roof. Then, because I wasn’t a brain-dead moron, I ran off to the side and hopped over the railing next to the stairs leading to the roof access.
The line went taut for a moment.
I knelt down and waited with baited breath.
If the grenade made any noise on activating, it was too far away for me to hear it, but the van jerked on the spot, its undercarriage, with its hover lifting bits and all, scraped across the corrugated steel cover.
It stopped for a moment.
“For fuc–
The van rushed backwards a dozen feet, rammed against one of the poles lining the area around the hatch, then started to strain, the rope pulling it hard enough that its front started to lift into the air.
“Alright!” I said.
Then the rear part of the van, bumper and all, flew off with a crack and took off over the edge.
I lowered my arm from where I had raised it to cheer, then winced as the front of the van crashed back down. “Fuck.”
INCOMING CALL FROM… BIG BROTHER LONGBOW
I jumped as the words flashed into my vision. It only took a bit for my heart to settle. “Answer,” I said.
My vision split, a box hovering to the side filled with a cackling Longbow who was clutching at his stomach. “You should have seen your face! No, wait, lemme show you.”
His image was replaced by one of me, crouching next to a railing, dark hair plastered to my scalp. My arm was raised in cheer, but my eye was wide in disappointed horror.
“Can I post this on the Samurai subs? I’m posting this on the Samurai subs.”
“I will fucking murder you,” I said.
Longbow laughed even harder. “Nah. Tell you what, I’ll only post it on the private channels. Samurai-only.”
“Don’t you dare,” I said.
“Too late!” he said with a shit eating grin. “My little sister’s first meme! They grow up so fast! Now, think you can blast that thing off? I mean, what you tried was cute. A-plus for trying. But you can just blow it up. My guns can take a bit of a beating.”
I cursed the man’s stupid name, but maybe he had a point.
“Incoming, by the way,” he said.
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